Post #1000 (omg - sheesh) teacherwriterguy: Well, hello there!
First of all, let me just say - JimB.. starting a poll on my 1000th post? I feel like a quasi-celebrity which is just incredibly ridiculous on so many levels. But, in any case, it made me smile HUGE to come back home and see that people were thinking about me. So, thank you for that! :D
What do I say...?
A fair few of you know that I recently went to North Carolina to visit TWGFB (TWG's Flaming Butterfly) for the very first time - that's where I've been at for the last four days. And I really wanted to save my 1000th post until I came back from the trip (which I just did - just walked in the door!) because I knew that, one way or another, it was going to be four days that really made me take stock of where I was at.
I'm sure I'll post other things about the wonderful time that TWGFB, her daughter, and I had - and how amazing it was... but here's what it REALLY made me think about, overall.
When I did post #1.. near six months ago, I wrote about wanting a magic remote - a fast forward button so that I could skip forward in time. I knew that my divorce happened for a reason, and I understood a lot of the why's and wherefore's - but I didn't like the idea of having to go through the pain of facing it. Right or not - inevitable or not - important or not - at the time, I just wished I could "move on"...
Standing here, six months later, feeling genuine happiness... I'm glad that I took my time. Every good feeling I have right now - I earned them. I had my highs and my lows - my days where I did not want to go into work, my days where I felt so good that I was "sure" that the other shoe was not going to drop. I rode the roller coaster (and I'm sure I'm still on it) with all of its ups and downs.
In that time, I've sold the house where my stbx and I planned to start our family. I moved into my very own space for the first time in my life. I wrote endless poetry and journaling. I started therapy... joined a gym... bought a new wardrobe and shaved my beard. :P Did the things I thought I was "supposed" to do - but more importantly, things that I wanted to do.
I also kept putting one foot in front of the other. I made it to work every day even when the smile on my face wasn't a real one.
I gulped and took a risk and headed into the city to meet 20-some strangers from a weird Internet site who might have all turned out to be some strange cult... and laughed and hugged with all of them.
And I backslid too - I had moments of all of those "stages" of grieving. The "remote control" idea was "denial".... I was "angry" when my stbx who walked out asked me to pack HER boxes for her... "depressed" when I looked at my house for the last time... "bargained" when I went back and forth trying to establish an amicable relationship with her... and "acceptance" as I'm looking at our final court date in just four short days.
Somewhere in there, TWGFB and I began to talk - and even though our opening conversations were about divorce, we so quickly branched into so many things... what we wrote, what we thought, what we dreamed of, hoped about.
I bought a phone plan with free long distance. :P
As I stepped off the plane into NC, I did think to myself, "Am I ready for this?" And it was (and is) a thought that sets my heart beating fast. And I know it does the same for her.
But I know the road I walked to get to this point, and I know that these moments of happiness, wherever they will lead me, have been earned. I deserve them, and I'm cherishing them.
I'm so glad you guys have all been along on the journey with me.
*HUG*
I'll be posting more soon :D
twg
Re:Post #1000 (omg - sheesh) twobeautifulkids: Congratulations to you TWG! You obviously have come so far!
Will we get to hear details of your trip? ;)
Re:Post #1000 (omg - sheesh) CoryL: Welcome to the club. Feels good to be here, doesn't it?
:)
Re:Post #1000 (omg - sheesh) Shanna: YAY, TWG!! Missed you....so do we get pictures from this trip?
Re:Post #1000 (omg - sheesh) Samarra: Congratulations on your post and on coming so far. I always believed it is the mistakes and pain we all go through that makes us learn to appreciate even the smallest things in life...and your post proves it again. Thanks for giving us all hope.
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