Lots of reading... some questions doctorcue: Hello all, my name is Danny. Obviously I'm here in the worst of circumstances, so I'm looking for some additional insight. Let me give you some background on my issue.
My wife (26) and I (27) just celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary in May & have been together for about 6.5 years. Throughout our relationship, she has had office romances (or lapses of the heart as she calls it) that are essentially emotional affairs. This has involved the usual pattern: distance, general un-hapiness, cell phone call & text messages to others, questioning of marriage. Each time we have dealt with these issues but now we are at an inpass.
There has been incidents at just about each position she has held in the past couple of years. There have been a total of 4 times that she has flirted with guys and made it outside of work contact. I know that human nature is to enjoy the flirt & the accompaning (sp?) ego boost that ensues. Yet, to take it a step further is crossing the line in my opinion. Start of the pattern though was that we were an office romance. I was her boss, but we only worked together for about 4 months total in two periods.
The latest incident involved a co-worker that had interest in her. For Cinco De Mayo, she went out with her friends and this guy was there. Other co-workers were trying to set this guy up with my sister in law. Yet, he really wanted my wife. So he made an effort to make it known. Basically my wife couldn't resist his charms and started talking to him & text messaging him. I found out and she denied anything other than a friendship. I asked her stop and she said she would. This was the Friday before Memorial day weekend.
The weekend started and she was ok, but I could tell she was upset. Nothing really interested her, she was just in a so-so mood. So come Tuesday, I checked the cell phone bill online at work(used this before to check when suspisions were up). Low & behold, she had continued to text this guy the whole time. So I basically told her that I saw no point in coming home because she lied to me. I was going to stay at a friends house. I couldn't take the continued lying and dishonesty. She said fine because we haven't be right in a while.
***We decided to keep most of the conversations to email & text messages. In verbal conversations, my wife tends to clam up & I tend to interupt her too often. We felt it best to get out our entire feelings.***
So the week progresses and she starts to open up. Such as she questions herself, she thinks we don't have enough in common, we lost the spark, etc. She said she needed time to think about us and what to do. So I continue to stay at my friends house. So on Saturday morning (the 4th morning of me not being home), I contact her just to ask her some questions. I felt that I'm better than a four-day debate. So her is a synopsis of the conversation:
Me: Who do you think of when you get up in the morning?
Her: Sometimes you, sometimes this guy.
Me: Do you miss me being there?
Her: Yes, but I don't know if that is enough for me to want you back.
Me: Do you still love me?
Her: Yes, but I don't know if I'm "IN" love with you.
Me: What did you do last night?
Her: Went out with some people from work.
Me: Was he there?
Her: Yes
Me: Have you kissed him yet?
Her: Yes
Me: Did you do anything else?
Her: No... just kiss
Re:Lots of reading... some questions doctorcue: *** Second Part ***
So at this point, I'm like the experiment has failed. I told her, "You took the time apart to go connect with this other guy. I think it is obvious from past & present events that you can't commit to me." So she started to cry and asked if that is what I really wanted... a divorce? I said I didn't before, but I felt I had no choice. So we left it at that for the evening.
Sunday... she calls me and asks me if I'm still set on my choice. I say yes and I'm sorry. So she says that she is leaving the house (we are living with our in-laws, saving for a house in the pricey Bay Area, CA) because she needs to get out. While at the mall, she gets a call from the guy asking if she wants to go to a movie. She goes to see that newest Russel Crowe flick.
After the movie, she calls me crying about how she needs me home. She realizes that she is making a mistake and starts admiting to her past indiscretions. We talk for about 3.5 hours ranging in all aspects of our relationship. She says she is willing to work and do what ever it takes to repair it. Including not contacting this guy again. We both are tired and have to sleep, so I let her go.
Monday we talk a little and she still seems commited to trying. Tuesday we talk and she seems a bit irritable. Wednesday, we meet for the first time in 9 days. Definately akward and she says that she is still somewhat confused but wants to try. We have dinner & catch a movie. At the end of the night, I could tell that she wasn't sure about me staying so I leave. Leaving was akward but we hugged and traded pecks on the lips.
Thursday I talk to her and she is definately leaning backward to last week. She is talking that last night felt like two friends catching up on old times and not an "in-love" relationship. She doesn't know what she wants but wants to continue to try. We talk a little bit and call it a night.
Yesterday, we had agreed to catch dinner & a movie. Before we leave, I do ask her some more questions about us. Essentially, she admitted to the following:
*She wakes up with out me each morning, with less & less missing me
*She likes that she can do whatever she wants
*She doesn't know if the marriage can be repaired
*She doesn't think she can be a wife right now, and needs time to think about it
So I ask her why should I still continue to contact her? She says that she doesn't want to make a mistake and loose me if we do end it. Yet, she doesn't want to have me back ASAP if after 2, 4, 16 weeks she feels the same way as she does now. Also, she said she doesn't know if she is ready to have me out of her life right now.
So at that point, I was just dumb-founded. She said that she still wanted dinner and wanted to try. I brought up the fact that she hasn't discussed this with anyone (no family, friends, etc) and that possibly therapy could help her sort out her feelings. She said that was probably a good idea and will follow-up on it. We go to dinner anyway and just try to make the best of the evening. We rent a movie and watch it at the inlaws (no one home). Evening goes normal... but definately odd as two married people just watching a movie together. She did exhibit some of the tenderness signs that used to be there prior (caressing of my arm, laying next to me, etc) to the latest problem. Yet, at the end of the evening, I return to my friends house. Same hugs & kisses when I leave the house.
So tomorrow I am supposed to see her again. Yet, I'm wondering if I should. So coming up on two weeks and to have her tell me that she may not love me, may not be able to be a wife to me, and that she doesn't want me out of her life yet. Am I just being weened off to help her in this breakup? Should I just totally cut off contact? I don't know what to do next. For those that have had seperations, has there been any success from past or current members? I feel that I am losing her. At the very least she is being honest with me.
Also... I did find that addiional text messages have gone out to the guy in question. So... another broken promise. So there goes the honesty. Can tell me she is not sure, but forgets to mention continual coversation. I asked her that in this seperation, I don't want either of us dating. She hessitantly agreed to this. So I'm lost. :-\
Thank you for reading this far, but hopefully someone can help me. I know each situation is different, but any outside insight is much appreciated. Thank you in advance.
Re:Lots of reading... some questions mydarkdreams: *big hug* it feels awful when they have another.. I understand that all too well.
To me it sounds like she wants you to hang around so that she can date and figure things out with this guy and still have you to fall back on. Which is, of course, completely unfair to you - however, it suits her needs - she won't be alone somehow or another.
If you don't have children and whatnot, I would say the no contact would be best. Her heart just doesn't sound in it, I am so sorry this is happening for you.. she is obviously not trying though.
*hug* hang in there, and keep posting. I wish you the best of luck!
Re:Lots of reading... some questions doctorcue: Thank you for your reply. Yes, there is no children or house. Funny, that is what she wanted so bad not too long ago.
Crazy, I'm still in love with her. I guess that is why I am having a hard time saying no. So should I not even hang out tomorrow? I think I want to tell her this in person, but I don't want to bow under the pressure of my heart. I guess, we need a no-contact break, but do I tell her in person?
Once again, thank you for the support. Please, other posters, respond to me. I'm really looking for input from many people.
Re:Lots of reading... some questions sheydp: I have to agree with mydarkdreams... If she is trying to decide if she wants to be married or not, let her DECIDE... don't sit there and let her have both. Why should she choose to commit to you, when she can have both of you! You are worth so much more than she is giving you. I would have to agree with no contact - give it, say, a week. Spend that week learning about yourself, finding things that keep you happy and interested... Deciding what you will do if she is still non-committal... You will be ok, with or without her. Come back often - we are a good place to cry... I am so sorry... and I know this all seems harsh, but in the end it will be better. Hugs!
Shey
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