Re:Lots of reading... some questions Spectrum: DrCue,
First of all, big hugs and I'm sorry you're going to go through this. And as much as I hate to say it, one way or another things are going to get worse before they get better.
The thing to really think about here is that this isn't just a bauble in your relationship. You stated in your posts that this has been an ongoing pattern of behavior for your wife for a long time, and now you're finally calling her on it. I can't say how disturbing I find this.
I also find it disturbing that your wife is using the emotional issues with respect to the separation to distract you from the fact that she is behaving consistently in an INCREDIBLY inappropriate manner. The pain you're feeling over this impending separation (let's face it, you guys haven't really separated yourselves yet) is clouding the fact that your wife has repeatedly violated your relationship and has conditioned you to it to the point where you're giving her complete control over your life and relationship.
You've given your wife multiple opportunities to rectify the situation and change her behavior. She hasn't, and you've really done nothing about it. You moved out, leaving her with nice comfortable access to all the things she wants on a day-to-day basis while you're camped out with a friend.
You're still seeing her, so when she's not out with her coworker she isn't sitting at home alone contemplating the consequences of her actions. In short, she has it made.
If your wife had problems with your relationship, she should have talked it out with YOU or with a therapist. Mr. Cinco de Mayo has no place in it, nor should he.
At this point, you need to know that your wife's behavior is just going to continue to escalate. This isn't a one-time incident... It has happened before, it will happen again, and in my opinion it is only a matter of time before your wife actually physically cheats on you, assuming she hasn't already (and let's face it.... given the facts, that's an awfully big assumption to be making).
The only thing to consider at this point is how long you're willing to put up with her cheating on you (and yes, it is cheating, even if its just kissing and emotional contact). Are you going to let her continue to string you along?
The thing is, your wife is going to feel pangs over this separation. If you leave her, she isn't going to feel great about it. That's just a given. If you let her, she'll string you along forever to avoid having to deal with the end of your relationship.... At least until she is ready to cement things with someone else, which will cushion the blow for her.
I'm really sorry.... I had to deal with something similar to this myself last year, and I just hope I can give you the benefit of my unfortunate education.
Spectrum.
Re:Lots of reading... some questions ChristyM: DC-
I wish I had something profound to say, but the others pretty much summed it up. The arrogance of our spouses sometimes astounds me. She just assumes if she were to choose you behind Door #1 you would be ready and willing to take her back and if she chose CincoDeMayoguy behind Door #2 then you would just bow out gracefully. That attitude pisses me off. Where do your thoughts, wants, opinions and feelings come into this? I know you love her, but you do deserve better than that from the woman that vowed to love, cherish and honor you forever.
Set boundaries; specifically a no-contact rule and give her the opportunity to realize what a good thing she had. Let her miss you -- if that's truly what you want. Some time away to gain perspective might show you you differently.
Christy
Re:Lots of reading... some questions ti-poux: Danny
Sorry for what you are going through.
I think everyone on this board covered all angles.
I too think you should have no contact at all.
As hard as it may seem, then you will know for sure if she wants you and wants to reconcile or if she was just keeping you around as option B (in case the OM does not want her.) She should go to councelling but then again, that is her choice.
Best of luck Danny, we are here for you
Chantal
Re:Lots of reading... some questions doctorcue: Well, someone tell me if I am wrong, but I'm going to have at least lunch with her, then tell her I need a complete break. Would that be bad? I want to do this in person, but would it create more harm than good. Yes, I realize that she is going along doing her own thing without a regard for me. So I do need to do this. Yet, do I do lunch then tell her?
Re:Lots of reading... some questions Spectrum: DC-
It depends on whether you think you're going to fold if you see her in person, or if she cries about it to get her way, etc.
This is just me grumbling and being finicky, but.... Is there some particular reason that *you* are the one sleeping on a friend's couch rather than her?
After all, she is the one that decided to cheat.
Spectrum.
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