Swim Suit Season slowlearner: Yeppers, Ladies.. it's "that" time of the year! I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing suit.
When I was a child in the 1950s the bathing costume for a woman with a mature figure was designed for women with a mature figures, boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a darn good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure chipped from marble. The mature woman has a choice, she can either slither front up at the maternity department and try on a floral costume with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus escaped from, "Disney's Fantasia" - or she can wander around every run of the mill clothing stores trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of floral rubber bands.
What choice did I have?
I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was then developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason for this is that a shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing costume, but as I twanged the shoulder strap into place I gasped in horror-my bosom had disappeared. Eventually I found one of my bosoms cowering under my left armpit. It took awhile to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across the chest like a speed hump. I realigned my speed hump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing costume fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersize cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent salesgirl popped her head through the curtains "Oh, they are YOU!" she said, admiring the bathers. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversize napkin stuffed into a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with a ragged frill and then came out looking like Tartan's Jane on a bad day. I tried a black number with a midriff and looked more like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally I found a costume that fitted. A two piece affair with shorts-style bottoms and a halter top. It was cheap, very comfortable and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.
When I got home I read the label which said "Material may become transparent in water," but I'm determined to wear it anyway.
Re:Swim Suit Season Shanna: oh do I hate going to the pool. I am so pale that all those tanned skinny people that never had kids (meaning no stretch marks) freak out when they see me. EEEKKK.
I plan to go again next week.
Re:Swim Suit Season slowlearner: Wear your sunnies so they don't know it's you 8)
Re:Swim Suit Season Shanna: I wear my sunglasses so I don't hurt my eyes when the sun glares off my legs
Re:Swim Suit Season Cowboy12: this thread is just too funny.... I guess it must be tough buying practical / sexy / swimwear . LOL.
My ex had a body like a 15yr. old boy ..more two asprin on an ironing board chest ....
she let me take the kids to the pool .even though she was a great swimmer. anyway Sully sorry to hear about those whiter than white legs... at least your Irish genes gave you a great sense of humour.
BTW does Sully stand for Sullivan ?
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