Re:everyone has something going on jaydee: thanks everyone. i hear ya'll.
i feel things happen for a reason,just hard to imagine being without her..weve been throught so much and id like to believe we will be through so much more,the best is yet to come kinda attitude.
At this time im just hanging in and trying to give time to figure things out.I know what i want and i thought i had it?would be nice if she knew what she wanted.i wanna do the right thing, if we were meant to be we were meant to be if not ...oh well i guess...life goes on...gotta live it :),just hard dealing with emotions and the human mind you can make ya self a bit loopy ..its all i think about..its tough not knowing whats goin on ?
Re:everyone has something going on Chase: Hi Jaydee,
Here's my 2c from someone who has also been through something very similar.
I think you do _need_ to give her more time. It's way too early for an ultimatum. 2 weeks? That's nothing. I've been waiting 6 months... I'm not trying to out-patient you or anything, but you would really be amazed how much you can learn about yourself in 6 months. But in 2 weeks, you're just starting the first stage. So is your wife.
Noone can just wait around forever, that is true. And different people can wait different lengths of time. So I can't tell you how long you should wait. I just feel that 2 weeks is way too short for an ultimatum.
People change during relationships, and sometimes this change ends up being irreconcilable with a marriage. There's nothing you can do to change what your wife is thinking, or how much she lets you in on what she's feeling. But an early ultimatum - particularly if she really is evaluating things - may well lead her to question whether someone who issues ultimatums whenever things aren't going their way - is the sort of person she wants to be married to (I'm not saying she'd be right thinking this, just that she may well think it). If she's really weighing up what she wants, now is not the time to be giving her new hardline positions to include in that evaluation.
This may look at first as an opportunity for your wife to consider what she wants, but you should take it as an opportunity for yourself as well. See how you go living life on your own, re-learn who you are as an individual, and one way or another, what you learn during this period will make your marriage - or your next relationship - that much stronger.
You may discover during this time that _you_ are not happy with the way the marriage was going, and that _you_ want to make changes, or maybe even move on. Doing this is fair and reasonable.
I guess, to sum up, I say don't let your wife make this entirely about her making up her mind. Make it a shared thing. You're _both_ taking time out to assess where you are, who you are, what you want, and how you want to get it.
Chase
Re:everyone has something going on jaydee: yeah just goin with the flow ,my wife is confused and she feels she needs this space for now to figure things out..i dont get it but oh wells ?
We were supposed to meet for dinner to night but she called and said she feels like she really needs real space.I guess just not sleeping at home isnt cutting it ..she really needs not to see me for a bit..since all this we still say we love eachother everyday and have had some kind of contact pretty much everyday..so i guess its not enough space .I know i need to just focus on myself right now and keep goin..just feel like shizzy,she hass appt with a therapist on thursday and i told her im willing to go as well..right now shes going solo..and does say this is all about her but it does have something to do with me im her husband?
Thank you everyone out there <makes me feel better that im not alone in this ...misery does enjoy company ..but im trying to be positive about things..i believe we are stronger than all this and least i hope we are :P
Re:everyone has something going on ChiefWiggum: jay,
I tried the ultimatum and it didn't work. I'm not sure if it ever does work. Good thing she's staying with her parents. Tells me there probably isn't another guy in the picture.
I noticed my stbxw was more "responsive" when I broke contact with her. You mentioned that you're still talking to her, but you might consider giving yourself some "space" too and just stop talking/emailing her for a while. It'll give you time to figure things out and show her what she's missing. It's very difficult to do, though.
I'm in Santa Barbara. If you want to get together to take your mind off things, let me know.
CW
Re:everyone has something going on hudson: yes, ultimatums absolutely work! I know because i gave my ex an ultimatum and it forced her to make a decision that she would've otherwise d!cked me around forever making. Was the outcome what I wanted? no. but at least I got my answer and could thus begin the process of dealing. I knew my ex well enough to know she needed to be pressed for a decision.
jaydee, only you know your wife well enough to know whether she needs an ultimatum or not. If she is anything like my exw, she needs one.
take care.
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