Re:Does divorce from a spouse mean divorce from the family? links9814: I agree with blue ocean goddess, talking to the other family is getting in the way of my healing process. I had to cut them off so I can heal. But every situation is different.
Re:Does divorce from a spouse mean divorce from the family? OldSchool: microtech,
Well this is just my take so hopefully you don't take what I have to say too negatively, k? At first, during the separation I felt like my ex's family took my side and was very pissed at her. It didn't sit with me too well, because the conversation would be centered around her and her actions.
I tried very hard to keep my private life with my ex separate from everything else, but it's so difficult. I also noticed that they slid back to her side after the divorce, which was fine with me. My ex needed the support of her family and it just caused me to totally detach.
I got the signal even though my ex-BIL and ex-FIL tried to do stuff with me. It wasn't the same and started to feel very uncomfortable. My instincts of getting the inside scoop would just take over also.
The only way for me to really start to face my new life was to cut off all contact with my ex's family... it's been 3 years and I still do miss them, but at least I have positive memories. Holidays, esp. Father's Day were very cool with them.... but I don't miss her. If there was a relationship w/ their family then it would just suck her back in. Her aura, spirit, whatever....
The last time I called anyone in her family was last June after I got home from a Cubs game. Being a little inhebriated, I began to just tell my ex-MIL that I forgave my ex. Well, what was the point of that phone call? Absolutley nothing!!! I just felt that it was serving her best interest cause it was possible she was still laden with guilt.
So, looking back now it was the only conclusion that made any sense to me. I had to cut off contact and deal with my own issues, loneliness, and build new friendships and restore relationships within my own family. It's still somewhat a WIP, but right now it is a choice each and every day to make those bonds stronger.
So, to summarize it didn't seem best for my situation, but it could for you. You have to search inside yourself on what type of relationships you want to maintain. It could very well work out for you, but really don't shy away from the reality of whatever comes of it.
take care,
OS
Re:Does divorce from a spouse mean divorce from the family? loshyra: Ok so I had to reply to this. I have been married and divorce twice. I still stay in contact with the first ex husbands family. I don't with the second. The reason I do with the first and not the second is because the first has and will ever make me feel like I am still apart of the family. The seconds, they stopped calling and never return calls. BUT I am ok with that because the second ex husbands family is pure trailor trash. Always have been always will be. They are freaky too... It got to a point that we had to do 2 different parties for everything....one with his family and one with mine, mainly because my family started to refuse to come over when his family is there.
Anyway I think it is great if you can keep it alive. My 1st ex husbands family is always inviting me to everything. I love it and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Infact I think that me and him are such good friends today because his family did this..
Re:Does divorce from a spouse mean divorce from the family? riversandlakes: [quote author=microtech1 link=board=1;threadid=13504;start=0#msg112225 date=1119285164">
So I have a question for everyone. Just because you divorce a spouse does that mean you have to divorce the family as well???
A little background for those who don't know my story. I was married for about four years. My stbxw left me for OM and left a trail of lies about it a mile long. Anyway all throughout this process I have talked to several members of her family and have been told that they would like to continue having me as part of their lives. Due to circumstances I have been busy trying to pick up the pieces and proceed with my life. However, I have made it a point to at least call on those important occassions to let them know I still care about them.
I called my father-in-law yesterday to say happy father's day just to be berated by my stbxw that I should not call her family anymore. I asked why and was told that they are my ex family and they are not apart of my life anymore. I don't agree with this as I still feel that they are family to me as much as they ever were. They didn't do anything to me and I still love them with all my heart.
Is this wrong should I abandon them just because it makes her feel uncomfortable? I ask my father-in-law and all he could say was it was not fair of her to ask that. I just wanted to get opinions from others on this.
Does she have the right to take them from me and me from them? I think by them not hating me the way she does it reminds her that I am not the bad guy she has made me out to be in her mind. I'm just rambling now so I will let you all weigh in on this. ???
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Right she has none. The only she had was to leave after cheating. Period. Done. Finito.
Your ex's family can be your friends. At least these friends have a clear track record of NOT stabbing you where it hurts the most, unlike that one-specific-person-not-even-worth-mentioning.
You are probably hitting the nail on the head; them not hating you probably means her propaganda didn't work, hence pissing her off.
Would you accept ANYONE telling you who to make friends with? Especially from one-specific-person-not-even-worth-mentioning? She is not a friend to you, so why do you care if she's uncomfortable?
Re:Does divorce from a spouse mean divorce from the family? jenn2be: Micro,
As a child of divorce going through a divorce myself I have a lot to say about this. My father tried to keep in contact with my mom's family in a remote way. Showing up at parties for special events etc, but he doesn't call them or anything like that. He isn't there for holidays, but keeps communications open and her family knows they can always call him. This works for us and my mom doesn't mind b/c she says he will always be my dad and a part of the family. She is very secure in herself and does not feel threatened by him.
My aunt just got a divorce and her husband has tried to be a part of the family and it is horrible. They hate each other with a passion and it is just nasty.
If you don't have kids my advice would be to stop the contact. If you do have kids and you want to keep that contact which I would say is important, be the very best person you possibly can and don't talk about your ex at all not even good stuff. Just don't bring her up at all ever. Just my opinion.
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