vendictive ex wife making threats and demands momof5fl: I am engaged to a man whose ex wife is constantly making threats, demands and turning small things that happen into major problems. My fiance has residential custody of their son and she has the same custody of their daughter with liberal visitation. The bio-mother lives approx. 75 miles from us and visitation is usually every other weekend and split holidays and summers. The bio-mother rarely visits the son, but my fiance sees his daughter at least once a month. Our financial situation keeps us from more frequent visits.
Here's the problem. The son is 11 and misses his mother. The father and I have been together for 6 years and the bio-mother hates me. She constantly tells the son he doesn't have to listen to me and that she hates me. The son, not wanting to hurt his mom's feelings says he hates me when ever he goes there or whenever he is in trouble at our home. He says he wants to live with her. When he's with her, he calls us and says he hates her new husband and wants to come back home.
He has begun to be violent. He has punched me in the face, cut my knee with his fingernails, tried to stab me with a screwdriver and flat refuses to listen to me. The bio-mom has called Department of Children and Families (DCF) and told then I am abusive to her son. We were all investigated and the DCF woman told my fiance and I her recommendation was for everyone in our home to go to counseling. ( I have 2 kids living with us that are mine, we have none in common)The son and the bio-mom swear the son is not coming back to his home with his dad if I am there. The bio-mom has said she will get my kids taken away, fight for custody of both her kids and suck my fiance dry of any money he ever has or gets.( He is disabled and on SSD) She has gone to court in the past and lied to get her way and it worked for a while. I am scared she will get me into some trouble I won't be able to get out of. People can make awful accusations and it is so hard to prove you are innocent.
I love my family and I want to fight this. I just need to know what we can to to get this woman to leave us be. The bio-parents will have to talk and such, I understand that, but she is constantly taking the boy and keeping him, using him as a pawn to get what she wants and destroying lives as she goes. I have a restraining order, but it's the calls to DCF and the police I'm having trouble with. Her son lies too and everyone the bio-mom knows except the dad and I believe him. What happens when he tells DCF I beat him up and he has a bruise from soccer or tripping at school? Will counseling help this child? How can I stay out of trouble with the DCF and law?
His dad is spanking him from now on, but lies will still happen when the boy gets mad. I'm desperate for help!! I don't want to let an 11 year old and an immature ex break up my family.
Re:vendictive ex wife making threats and demands sourpuss: i would take the advice of going to counselling. all of you. brace yourself for all kinds of resistance and resentment.
quite honestly, and you will not want to hear this, it may be necessary to have the son removed from your home. if he is violent, you and your other children are in SERIOUS danger. what's his father doing about this?
i don't know what to tell you beyond that, but i would encourage the counselling for YOU especially. i am concerned that you have "refuses to listen to me" and "tried to stab me with a screwdriver" in the same sentence. lots of kids don't listen, not many need to have tools taken away from them.
you do him no favour by allowing this to continue.
i think you have a problem here that is too big for you to solve alone .
good luck.
Re:vendictive ex wife making threats and demands aint_mis_bhavin: Step parents have no rights when it comes to step children..which means..you cannot punish your step children, and whatever you do...NEVER lay a hand on a child that is NOT yours!!!!
Discipling is up to the natural parent (your hubby) for his kids, and up to you for your kids...yes, this causes divison in families, one set of rules for your kids, and a set for his kids...best way to deal with it is to have a talk with hubby, setting clear ground rules for all kids, agree on what punishments are acceptable, so that when one kid does something and they get punished, the next kid that does the same damn thing, gets the same punishment from the appropriate parent....courts do not want to hear that a step-parent is punishing someone elses child..its the biggest mistake blended families make...you will always be a target with this natural mom...so stop that before it gets out of control...
Dad needs to step up and tell Mom that he is the one who punishes his kids, not you....as for spanking, you better make sure your state is a state that allows this, not all states do...its abuse in many states and even the dad can lose custody over something like this...
Re:vendictive ex wife making threats and demands dreamerpoet: I work for a law firm so I know the rules....but really what are we teaching the next generation? That they do not have to have any respect for authority because they can call the cops on their parents when they tick them off. I am so sorry M that you are going through this. And I am sorry aint_mis_bhavin but I have to disagree with you. Thoes kids ARE hers!!!! When you blend a family you have to above all make sure there are no lines of demarcation between the different families but make it absolutely clear that you are all ONE family now.
[quote"> Dad needs to step up and tell Mom that he is the one who punishes his kids, not you....[/quote"> If the dad were to do this it would further encourage the child to continue in his disrespect of his step-mom.
I would encourage counseling and above all approach this as a team effort, that is so important right now to not let loony ex and a naughty child put a rift between you. I hope this is at least a little helpful and I will be thinking of you.
Re:vendictive ex wife making threats and demands aint_mis_bhavin: If you work for a law firm, and you KNOW the rules, then you know what I said to be true...punishing a step child is NOT the step-parents responsibility...its the natural parents job...I never said they couldnt work together as a family unit..I am sorry if you misunderstood what I said...I believe I said that step mom and dad should have a talk and set clear ground rules, thus both agreeing on how to parent both of their children so that when it comes to punishment, all kids are treated equal..
Those kids ARE NOT HERS, the belong to dad and mom, not dad and step mom....she has no biological ties to HIS kids in any way whatsoever, her only job is to be a step parent, which means she has no legal rights to those kids, dad has custody/visitation, not step mom..the courts make decisions with mom and dad, not dad and step mom....
Dad is the only one (or natural mom) that punishes his kids, that doesnt mean his kids can continue to disrespect step mom, dad needs to set a punishment for that and the kids need to understand if they choose to be disrespectful, there are consequences...this will not cause seperation, but will cause unity as a whole and the kids will learn that step mom is part of the family...step mom punishing kids is what causes seperation..they will grow up to hate step mom..and will side with real mom and cause probs for step mom...
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