wife leaves to stay with her folks....bulimia exhaulted: Hello all,
Well, my story might be slightly different than others but who knows.
My wife of 4 years ( 10 years together) decided that she needed some space because of various reasons that are all easily solvable. She has been away for 5 weeks, no longer wears her ring, and goes out. She has told me repeatedly she loves me prior to all this and that she cannot imagine being with anyone but me. Prior to leaving she said she loves me and that she wants to save our marriage. However, her actions speak differently. Not wearing your ring is not a healthy sign but again it can mean anything if we are not communicating.
Moreover, we were scheduled for a marraige counseling but she freaked out, threw up, and had a panic attack a week after our seperation.
Yes, if you are thinking mental instability. She has an eating disorder, is OCD and has depression. Also, she is on Lexapro, and has been in and out of therapy for years. Mind you, I would go to her OA meetings with her.
Anyways, we agreed to no contact for a while for her to sort her stuff out. In any event, i began emailing her and she emailed me back telling me she misses me but needs to work on herself. Nothing appears to point to infidelity ( past or present)....and her bulemia may point to getting attention from men....but she has never cheated on me. I am certain of that. I can not speculate now.
Am i on a rollercoaster? You bet. Do i speculate like crazy? yep. Is my family yelling divorce? Yep. I have alot of stress on me. I just want to give it some time and then move into marriage counseling together.
Here are even wierder things: She took all my baby pictures and even more so still calls me by my pet name in emails.
Some good news: She is starting personal counseling and wants to enter couple counseling ASAP. However she says she needs to help herself first; thus the joint counseling may take a while. Moreover, she told me leaving our home was the hardest thing she has ever done in her life.
She just wants to be sure that we can handle having children together and that me being overtly critical of her was one of the main reasons she left.
Qoute: "I want to make sure that my life is enriched by being married or if it was all about just taking caring of you and ignoring myself. This is what i struggle with."
Some advice would be nice here. I know that anything is probable but at least we are emailing one another.
Right now, I am just taking care of myself and just communicating with her via email. Its is very tough....we were about to walk into another chapter in our lives and she brought all these issues up. So its a pivotal moment between us. I know I love her but i have to move forward and, if i have to, end things myself.
I ask how do i know if she will do this again? Does she have the skills/tools to solve things? IS she looking for a single life?
Alot of confusion here.
thoughts?
Re:wife leaves to stay with her folks....bulimia loshyra: Crush....
Don't feel naked. I told you about this post because I thought that you could help more then I with everything that you have been through with it and everything. :) You are an awesome lady, and you help people....no matter what you think!
Exhaulted.....
I totally agree with everything that Crush said. Although I have never done this myself. I know Crush very very well, she is my best friend. And I can tell you she knows what she is talking about concerning this stuff. She has been through it, and still battles it. I agree that it is probably not something that you can link to your marital issues. Although you not liking it could be related to some of the issues. Just stand by her. Let her know that you love her and when she is ready you will go with her to see the therapist.
That is my 2 cents worth...
L ;D
Re:wife leaves to stay with her folks....bulimia loshyra: Nope....he hasn't gotten back to me since he came back. Hope he made it ok....with all the accidents on I-80 this last week.. I kinda worry.
Re:wife leaves to stay with her folks....bulimia sourpuss: yes - don't give up just yet.
she does sound like she's working on issues and not just pretending not to be married (do ask about the ring, though, i find that a bit odd).
one spouse's mental/emotional issues can't help but affect the marriage. give her a little time. you can always leave, but you can't always come back once you do.
as long as there's communication, and you believe she's honestly working on herself so that she can work on the marriage, then maybe take this opportunity to work on yourself. perhaps a trip to a counsellor on your own to sort through the emotions you're having over this would help you to understand what going on within yourself and better prepare you for the couple therapy. and help you understand what goes on the complicated minds of those with ocd/bulimia.
you don't want to accidentally sabotage your marriage.
and crush is right, there are no guarantees. of anything, ever.
Re:wife leaves to stay with her folks....bulimia JimB: Two thoughts:
One, it's excellent that she seems to recognize her own issues and is willing to work on them. She seems to genuinely desire improvement.
But it doesn't happen in a vacuum. It sounds like you would be a willing participant in her efforts to deal with her issues. And quite frankly, as her life partner, it's unfortunate that she would try to deny you the opportunity to help. The struggle to overcome difficulties such as hers can be a tremendous uniting force in a relationship, and it's too bad she doesn't recognize it. However, issues such as these tend to isolate oneself inside one's own head - she probably feels she's doing the noble thing, "sparing" you from her pain.
You have to let her work through things in her own way, but make sure you communicate your support for her at every opportunity. Tell her how glad you are she is working so hard on her issues, and how much you appreciate her attitude. And let her know you're there for her if she should ever need anything. That's all you can really do.
(I see Lo has posted the same thing in much fewer words. So listen to her advice....)
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