Fighting the Divorce machine Ilosther: Is it possible? Can someone please tell me it is possible to fight the inevitable? It seems like divorce is happening way more than 50% of the time. And now there's such a thing as a 2 year itch! I'm into 3 years of marriage, but 11 years total together.
My wife and I went to our 3rd therapy session together, and it seems that we have a lot in common personality wise, but my wife still thinks we have nothing in common. But therapist says, even things in common can get on your nerves, apparently we are both givers, and sacrifice ourselves for each other or others, I sacrifice for her, she sacrifices for her career. ( I told her this morning I hope she feels bad when we get divorced and she's goes to her job everyday and knows that that was the reason she destroyed our marriage-I later apologized for making her feel bad, cuz I'm weak like that, but she knows her job is hurting me).
Anyway, therapist says all marriages become annoying, either if you have differences or things too much in common, so I'm like, then how do marriages survive? I guess it's a matter of communicating and actually wanting it to work and working on it.
But, it just seems like, why would anyone get married anymore when divorce is inevitable? Does anyone here who is still with their spouse through this tough time of questioning their marriage, anyone think they can work it out together? I mean, to survive this, it seems like you can survive anything together. I honestly do feel closer to her now than ever, either because I'm trying to save the marriage, or I'm cherishing these last days, or because we are finally being honest to each other. I think that's the key to it all, honesty, say what you mean and feel, if it hurts, it hurts, if not, all the better.
Therapist said there is a light at the end of this tunnel, she said if I didn't see it, she could explain it to me...unfortunately our hour session was up so I couldn't ask for that explanation. She said there would be awkwardness in our marriage due to our situation, but there is a light. I wish I could see it, but I dont know if that light is for me to see she doesn't deserve me and I'm better without her, or if that light is that we belong together. Aren't marriage counselors supposed to save marriages that can be saved?
I'm fighting the Divorce machine, but I think the inevitable will just happen.
Re:Fighting the Divorce machine felixthecat421: I was in the same spot you were in a few months ago. Now, we are separated and on our way to divorce. Remember that it's usually (70-80% of the time) the woman who wants the divorce. Also, they have been thinking about the problems in the relationship far longer than you, so they are much further along in the process. You trying to talk her out of it will only hurt your chances. Having nothing in common sounds like an excuse; it sounds like she is not in love w/ you anymore. That's what happened to me. In my case, my wife was on a feminist equality kick and felt I made too many decisions, etc. I think her self-esteem was hurt. Your wife may be focusing on her career for the same reasons, I don't know. I'm not a therapist so won't try to give you advice, except that I know from experience that when a wife is too far gone its tough to get her back; she has to WANT to come back. Maybe a long-married girlfriend, sister etc can help her get that perspective.
I share your concerns about the "divroce machine". I want to meet a normal, committed woman the next time...but I am closing in on 40 and the young traditional types are all married. I'm AFRAID of marrying someone who waits until 36 to get married just to have a baby and divorce her husband. I am likewise afraid of the divorce machine.
Re:Fighting the Divorce machine Lome: I am sorry for you....my life is a mess, but I am fighting this divorce....i have hope for us.
Don't give up....if there is any love then don't give up.
Maybe, you will not stay married...but, you must stay friends.
Try to develop a new relationship...I am thinking of it as if it were a 2nd marriage...new interests, dates, etc.
Good luck
By the way...I am an educated workaholic who also bakes cookies and spoils her husband.
Re:Fighting the Divorce machine Ilosther: how can 2 giving people not make it work to stay together? there is still love, great love on my part, for her, it's the BS type, love but not in love BS. But I'm fighting for it still. Everyone knows she'll be the loser in this if she leaves. I want to prevent that. She's an incredible woman in the eyes of myself and all around her. She's smart, beautiful, caring. I truly believe she is confused, because I really believe she only started thinking about this divorce machine for maybe 1 week prior to her telling me. If she was feeling it b4, she would've told her friend, but she didn't, and that was a month b4 all this. Maybe she just kept it in, maybe I missed the signs, but it does seem like she cracked. Therapist wonders if she cracked too, wont say anything like that, but she knows all the stress she's been under and tells her she probably wont be happy if she leaves, bc she just isn'thappy with herself.
How can she get help if she doesn't want to go to therapy anymore? I need to force her.
If I'm in denial, which I probably am, shame on me. But there's gotta be a light at the end of this tunnel, whatever that may be.
Thanks for the support, I'll fight till there's nothing left to fight for.
Re:Fighting the Divorce machine sourpuss: the light for you may be a life that is better, without her.
has she opted out of therapy? keep going for yourself. you cannot force her to feel something she doesn't.
you seem to be focusing alot on the "mistake" she is making and how she will be the loser and unhappy if she leaves. it is probably true, but it sounds to me like she is not ready to hear it. she knows she is unhappy and will find out in her own time that you/the marriage probably isn't the cause.
nobody wants to hear that what they think/feel is wrong. focus on yourself, work on your part of the marriage, she may change her mind, she may not. please be open-minded and flexible, no matter how hard it is.
good luck.
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