Re: Calling all Guys - Identity Crises atd74: Hurting,
My ex WOULD NOT got to therapy/counseling either. We did it once, count it, 1 time and he got so defensive and pissed off at the counselor because the counselor wanted to know more about this sick relationship he had with TOW (which was the root cause of our problems), and he never would go back. He yelled at the poor guy - how embarrasing!!!
Then when he was having more issues of his own and we just couldn't get things working he finally agreed to go see a psychologist. We moved from us going to counseling together to him seeing his own. I was proud of him for all of 1 month when he decided that, nope - dont need her anymore because she's bringing up hurtful things and the truth is painful. Stopped going and then decided to go on Paxil... said he'd try it. We got him into a PSYCHIATRIST and I will never know what the deal really was. This was just a few months before the final ending of our marriage.
He saw the doctor 1 time - just to get the prescription and I think he was doing it for others, not because he really wanted to try and help himself or us. He just wanted to "get people off his back". I was disgusted and now perplexed at the doctor though. He saw my ex 1 time, prescribed him meds because he said he was depressed (HE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER - HELLO!) and never saw him again. I realize the person has to want to continue treatement however, I sent a letter to this doctor with all the details of what had been going on and the symptoms he was showing of borderline personality disorder and my phone number. I followed up and the doctor never got back to me.
Anyway, my ex never wanted to try for himself. Never could accept counseling or therapy. If they want to to try no one is going to make them do it... they have to want to for themselves in the first place.
Very frustrating.
Re: Calling all Guys - Identity Crises inebr: I believe my stbx is going through a major identity crisis but I think in his case it's more of the stereotypical midlife crisis. He was 40 when we married and I think getting married for him was grasping for something. He sees his future lying out there in front of him and is afraid to commit but is afraid not to. It's his deal and mostly just stuff in his mind. Who says you can't have it all. A marriage doesn't have to be one way or the highway. Negotiations can be made, people can be flexible.
Re: Calling all Guys - Identity Crises INCT: I wasn't scared, I was excited, to be married, to build a life together, not buy one from a catalog. I didn't loose me I thought I gained a partner, one who's thoughts and values would compliment mine and together we would build from there.
In reality, if it wasn't about instant gratification, see and be seen, keeping up with her friends doing what she wanted, then it was boaring. I found that the day to day reality of life, work, cleaning house, yard work, not having a lot of money to start, get in the way of fairy tale relationships.
I have found that if both partners aren't willing to totally shed their old carefree days and aren't willing to embrace doing the little things then the marriage is headed for difficult ride.
I was told I lost my identity, I no longer wanted to go out bar hopping until 3 am, I felt I had more important things to do on weekends, I couldn't just pack a bag and run off for a long weekend anymore. So, I lost the identity that my ex-wife knew.
So, was it a really an identity crisis..or did I just grow up?
I agree with every single word billsfan wrote on this thread. In my case, it wasn't me who had the identity crisis.. it was my ex-wife.
INCT
Re: Calling all Guys - Identity Crises achingallover: Thanks INCT! I fear it will be hard to get some really good insight on "identity crises" from either sex here because I think this site if full of the "non-runners" in the relationship. I think, for the most part, we are the one's sitting here going "huh? What the heck happened?" while our x mates are the ones who I'd really like to understand!
But thank you for sharing your story. I do know many of the guys on the site have shared a similar one with you - in that their wife had an identity crises. I would love to shed some light on that, but I havn't had one myself. If anything, this past year of intensive counseling and school, I have grown up as well - and I have come to recognize what a pearl I have in my stbx. When we got together, it was truly "my psychosis fell in love with you psychosis" and vice versa - but now I "rechoose" him. I've told him this time and time again. But for some reason - that he won't tell me other than "we've grown apart" or "I love you like my sister!" - he doesn't "rechoose" me. Very sad. Not even interested in trying.
This identity thing - it sure does go both ways. If there are any girlies out there that have been through the identity thing - can you help these guys have some understanding??? Anything you can share....
Have a good Monday everyone.
Big hugs-
Steph
Re: Calling all Guys - Identity Crises Brian75034: Well, it looks like more females answering than males, so I will put some testosterone input here. :P
I am 32 and personally never had a 'midlife' crisis but here is my input on it.
I think it starts with men getting married too young- 22,23, or younger. They get a job, fall in love, have a kid or two, never really travelled or experience 'life'.
So, fast forward 10,20 years, and sure they have a great life, wife, kids, house with the picket fence, good job. BUT, grass is always greener. They look around and go 'cr*p, what just happened to me? I used to be a carefree, crazy, single guy, and now Ive got a mortgage, a wife that nags me the minute I get home,two screaming kids, and im driving the minivan instead of my cool mustang I had in school." So, they bail. Thinking their unhappiness is solved by leaving the 'situation'.
It comes down to knowing that the other 'option' is never better than what they have- just different. There are trade offs to each one.
Its too bad though that it takes a divorce for many men to see that though. And some never do fully 'learn'.
Hope this helps.
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