Re: Calling all Guys - Identity Crises achingallover: Thanks so much for the post, jdawg2!
Yeh, this is all happening after he has been in therapy for a year (and me too - and I'm in school studying to be a therapist..ironic, huh?!). It sounds like there were alot of stressors happening to you - like lots and lots of changes in your life. Three questions:
1) were you scared and if so, of what?
2) what were the emotions involved in what you were going through?
3) What do you think you needed from your spouse at the time?
I hope you don't mind me getting so personal. I think we gals can all really learn from your experience and I'm so pleased that you shared what you've shared thus far!
Thanks again!
Steph
Re: Calling all Guys - Identity Crises hurtingverymuch: jdawg,
As achy said, thanks for sharing your experience. I also have a question, (hope you don't mind).
You mentioned you saw a therapist, do you think that this is something you could have worked out on your own? I've suggested therapy but my s2bx doesn't want to get counselling and thinks that he can work out his issues on his own. Won't even discuss what he's going through with me.
If it is an identity or other type of crisis, do you think that it can be worked out without therapy?
Again, thanks so much for sharing.
Hugs, - Hurt
Re: Calling all Guys - Identity Crises Billsfan709: You can take this to the bank..I've never had an identity crisis..I was married at 27..I'd sown my wild oats..had my fun, and was ready for a wife, a house, a dog, and 2.5 kids..Unfortunately..ex had her own identity crisis..decided she missed being single, and had really been in love with an old boyfriend from 10 years ago..so here I am at 30, but with the house and the dog..hoping I can someday get that wife and kids..I've kept my sanity..although the depression ebbs and flows..I feel like I have a lot to offer..I'm not one of those, "woulda, coulda, shoulda" types..during my marriage, I never thought, "what else is out there", I was a, "look what I've got" kind of guy. Probably always will be.
Chris
Re: Calling all Guys - Identity Crises jdawg2: No prob.
yes, scared of money, future, and some memories of a very bad experience when a young kid.
anger, fear, frustration, resentment, when I knew she had interest in someone else, despair and depression
unconditional support yet time to heal without constant badgering, " I'm not happy, your not the man I married" etc. just needed a break. When a guy feels like he's not good enough, above does not help.
to her defense, she tried the best she could, and I thank her for that.
Good therapists are always in need, mine was female and she's made a huge impact on my life. and yup...lots of stresses, like many have. good luck with the new profession!
-------------
in my case no, I never dealt with it until then, everyones different. The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know. I did that with her too, not talking about it, it's tough to open up to people for me at least, not any more though.
my fav saying..shi% happens.
Re: Calling all Guys - Identity Crises achingallover: Thanks again, jdawg2. I really appreciate the insight.
And Billsfan, yah, I know. SHE had the identity crises in your situation, didn't she. That's right. Wow. I wish I could give some insight on that. The only thing is, I can tell you that it took a year of therapy and a year of therapy school to realize what a wonderful guy I had. LIke, I always loved him deeply and I never had any plans to go anywhere or be with anyone else, but I can tell you I was restless in the relationship. Now, looking back on it, I think it was because I really wanted my stbx to stand up and be a person in the relationship. I think I might have shared with you in the past, that he sort of hid in my identity the time we were together. He went from one strong woman - his mom- to another - me. He never, sort of, figured himself out. I can actually remember saying to him at some point "look, sometimes you HAVE to have a DIFFERENT opinion than mine!" He never did. And now I think he does, and he doesn't know how to tell me - or is afriad to learn. The sad part is, I WELCOME that! I've been so desiring that he be present in the relationship - that he figure out who he is and share it with me- for a very long time. Now, where we are at is from his point of view, he has been sharing "the new him" and I haven't been getting it - a total communication problem. In light of my not getting it, he thinks I don't like the new him at all - which is the furthest thing from the truth. Major communication problems in the past year - to the point where he is hopeless and bolted.
Perhaps that gives you a little insight into girl stuff, Billsfan. Or maybe not girl stuff in general, but my stuff. If this info helps give insight, I'm happy to give it.
Thanks again guys!
Hugs-
Steph
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