separated and talking? inebr: I’m sorry but I don’t know what to do right now. My stbx left again last week after his last bout of deciding *again* this isn’t going to work. I got an email from him this morning saying he would like to stop by and pick a few things up and asked if we could talk for a while, to keep the lines of communication open. I don’t know what to do because on one hand I WANT to keep lines of communication open and maybe this would be a way towards working towards reconciliation (again) …but then I think, “why is he doing this??” what could have possibly changed since last Thursday? I feel torn… How can we reconcile without talking, but when is the right time? If I say no I'll be pushing him away. ...I know that I have to make these hard decisions on my own but any insight or support I would so appreciate right now.
Re: separated and talking? Bob-Bob: I am sorry for you pain and confusion.
It sounds to me like you should try to figure out which is hurting you more right now, holding on or letting go.
I know this is hard for you, and I wished that my stbx would have kept the lines of communication open. But just talking is not really communicating, are the 2 of you really talking about the problems that both of you have had with the relationship?
Is it worth going to a marriage counselor? They can actually get you talking about the problems.
Bob
If you feel there is progress no matter how small then
Re: separated and talking? atd74: inebr,
I hear ya. I was in this situation many times with my ex and it's emotionally draining and its emotional blackmail. Whether he's doing it intentionally or just because he's confused it's not fair or good for either one of you to be playing tug of war with each others mental health and emotions. And trust your instincts because nothing HAS changed since Thursday except for that he's probably even more confused now than he was then.
This keeps coming up in practically all posts and it's probably redundant and making your ears bleed but you have to think of you. I agree with Bob - figure out which is hurting you more: holding on or letting go. Sounds to me like it's hurting you and doing more damage than good. How many times is he going to leave and come back - where does this leave you but in the lurch?
Maybe you need to tell him that you can communicate but he cannot come back to you. You cannot co-habitat or get physical or anything else but talk via phone and email. Start from there - if this is what you want, to keep the lines of communication open. He just can't keep coming home and leaving. Believe me - I've been there and it doesn't work. He can't keep saying he wants to work on things but not make an effort. Just because he comes home doesn't mean he's making an effort to work on things. Actions speak louder than words... He's obviously confused and in limbo himself and can't make a strong decision here so how can he expect to work as a team when he can't even decide what he wants for himself?
I got to the point finally that I couldn't handle this emotionally roller coaster anymore - it felt like he was playing games with me. He said he wanted to work at things but our lives were the same - he made our one visit to the counselor a hellish experience and then vowed never to go back. He fought me tooth on nail on TOW stating he didn't care what I or others thought that they were just friends and *I* had to be the one to make a choice - him or divorce because he wasn't giving her up. He never compromised yet "he wanted to work on things...".
There's only so much a person can take... Do what's best for you.
Re: separated and talking? achingallover: Hey Darc...
Ugh, more trauma...
I love what Bob said about what hurts more - that's really great.
Also, and you know we've talked about this, if you want to communicate with him, decide the terms. Maybe you decide you will only communicate with him in a couples therapist office. If you all are anything like me and my stbx - that is the ONLY way we could communicate and be heard by each other - because we have a completely BROKEN communication system.
So, you set the terms here sweetie. Just because he wants to doesn't mean you HAVE to, ya know. You have every right to just say "no...you've hurt me too much and I can no longer work on this." You have that right! He has been doing this to you for awhile now and it's just constant trauma. Or you could propose the couples therapy thing, if you think you still want to work on this with him.
It's really your decision. A hard one - and a confusing one to make becuase your so vulnerable and in such a painful spot right now. Go inside and figure out what you want. What you want and what your terms are to get it - then set it. Listen to your wants and needs - not his.
I'm sendin ya good vibes. Let me know how it turns out.
Hugs-
Steph
Re: separated and talking? aisac: inebr -
My heart goes out to you! I have been experiencing the same pain. My X has done this 3 times to me. I really thought that it was different this last time - but no he can't handle us. The decision that we came to was that we are both seeking individual couseling and not speaking to each other for 6 months. Did we or I make the best choice? I don't know. But I do know that at this moment in time it is not going to work between the two of us. Do I want it to? More than anything. It has been horrible - it has only been a couple of weeks. I obsessively think of him. BUT I am working on it in therapy, Anyway enough about me. (There's a ton more to the story)
I just want to say that I am sending you many thoughts of support and compassion. It's painfull isn't it?
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