Re:No dating during separation flamingo13: *Ahem*
This is not directed at anyone, but maybe it will help.
The question is, during our seperation should we not date? What constructive purpose would dating serve during a seperation regardless of if the marriage was over or not? Individuals need to stand on their own the best they can to be themselves. Dating during a seperation is a bad idea regardless of the circumstance. What is the rush with people? What, of any substance, could anyone have with someone during a seperation when they themselves are unable to face the world for such a short time as an unattached individual. We are supposed to remain chaste for our spouse during marriage, right? If we can not remain celebate during a seperation, how then can we ever expect ourselves not to cheat on our spouses under any circumstances? On the flipside, if they can not handle a seperation without dating, how can we rely on them to remain faithful throughout a marriage? Do we really need the company of others in that manner during a seperation? If the answer is yes, then I submit that there is no such thing as an emotional affair (EA) or a physical affair as it is all just relative to what the person having the affair thinks they need given certain circumstances. I say hogwash! If someone can't keep it in their pants (emotionally or physically), they have no business standing beside another and taking the vow of marriage.
Dating during a seperation just complicates things. Those of us that have been/are married took a vow. We can not control, nor would we want to control, another person, but we ourselves can control what we do.
Between my first and second (current) marriages, I did not date nor do anything that might even remotely seem like dating during the seperation. I did not care for the marriage to continue (she cheated on me a lot), but I took a vow and figured if I could not keep the vow for such a short time, what business did I ever have being married again? I am happy to say that I had no problems not dating during the seperation. When the divorce was finalized, that week or the following, I went on a date. If we would have had children together, I would have taken much, much more time before dating.
During my current marriage, we agree to seperation without dating. We have four children. Ironic, my wife has cheated on me, but has stuck to the seperation agreement on the occasions that we have seperated, pending divorce. I have never cheated on my wife and we will have been married 15 years this September.
(Why do I post here? Well, I never know if there will be a 16 year, 17 year, etc. We take it one day at a time, sometimes for the children and sometimes for ourselves.)
If it were me, I would explain that dating will only complicate things. Even if a divorce is absolutely inevitable, it will only mess things up more for both as individuals and for any children involved.
I hope this helps at least someone out there.
Re:No dating during separation Lumpy: Dear Havehope,
While it sounds like a good idea on paper I fear that it will probably just create more resentment between the two of you. I agree with flamingos' assertion that couples should not date during seperation. Unfortunately I feel that it is an ideal which is rarely achieved. Chances are she's going to find your proposition controlling and maybe a bit insecure. What happens if she agrees just to appease you but then finds she can't live up to the agreement? You're going to feel betrayed. Honestly I think you should try to adopt a "let's see what happens" attitude. A verbal agreement between the two of you is not going to insure that she'll not go down that road.
Re:No dating during separation flamingo13: To clarify, the decision not to date during seperation is really up to the individual to choose and stick with. It is a good idea to state your intentions and ask the same, but please do not expect it to happen with the other person. We simply can not, nor would we want to control anyone else. We can only control ourselves, which is where the decision rests. So, if she were to decide to date whilst you are seperated, even if she said she would not, you should not feel betrayed. However, it should raise some clear red flags as to her ability to be a person in her own right and ultimately a good spouse to you. It is not really an agreement but a choice you must each make.
The actual agreement not to cheat was in the marriage vow. You really need no other. It is the resolve not the cheat, even during seperation, is that which seperates the 'men from the boys' so to speak.
BTW: My first wife did date and sleep with whomever she wished during our seperation. I was more focused on me keeping my own choice not get entangled in any sort of emotional or physical relationship with another until the current one was resolved. She made her choices, I made mine. I am 10000% glad I chose the way I did and would choose the same way again today.
Re:No dating during separation buyrbware: Hate to tell you this but we have all heard the I have to find myself bullshit! and the rest of the scripted crap from the one who initiates leaving! The fact of the matter is if you truely love someone you dont put them through pain. i wouldnt treat a dog the way my ex wife you claimed she loved me treated me!
If you can pull this no dating durring seperation off more power to you, but to save you the ultimate heatache remember this! You can't control your wife! You cant control the situation. She can tell you anything and do another, in the end you get hurt! Be careful and take care! Goodluck
Re:No dating during separation Repentant: [quote author=Havehope link=board=1;threadid=14013;start=0#msg117037 date=1120047149">
But I asked her if we can agree to no dating during this separation
[/quote">
So it was your idea?
I doubt she is seeing anyone.
Fact is, if you put restrictions on it (and it was your idea) it just shows your insecurity.
I believe since you are the one being 'dumped' you should be able to 'date' whoever you want. You need to make her want you (even through jealousy) and dating others is a way to let her see that you are an attractive, healthy person.
The fears you have about her seeing someon else is normal- but I bet she isn't seeing anyone.
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