Re:I am a selfish ba***rd? JimB: [quote author=Repentant link=board=1;threadid=14016;start=0#msg117048 date=1120050277">
I suppose I'm asking if I deserve a chance. I'm disgusted at myself for ever being hurtful- any measure of abuse is intolerable.
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Nobody "deserves" anything. Good and bad stuff happens in about equal measure to good and bad people. Life goes on.
Based on what you've written, I'd say your biggest challenge is forgiving yourself for your past actions. It's all very well to ask someone else for forgiveness, but if you haven't forgiven yourself, it'll feel like asking for charity. It sounds like you're taking the steps you need to take in order to understand and break out of your patterns of behavior, but that's only half the battle. You'll really move on when you internalize the idea that the "real you" is not the one who did all those horrible things. I would suggest working with your counselor to achieve this end.
Good luck, and kudos for your progress thus far.
Re:I am a selfish ba***rd? in_search_of: I have to say, that normally, I am the first person, to say, well you f'ed yourself, and made your bed now lie in it. And while I don't know you, thereby, making that the right answer still. You have a tone of sincerity to your posts that many who come here asking us if they deserve a second chance do not have.
[quote"> I miss them terribly, but at the same time I know that if she didn't get up and leave I never would've learned a d**ned thing.[/quote">
You have learned a lot, in being able to admit that you needed to hit "rock bottom" so to speak before you could truly learn anything. I think that sometimes that has to happen.
She has a lot, lot lot lot lot of trust to rebuild, not only her, but your kids, because they witnessed what was going on, and her family, because they have now had to pick up the shattered pieces that you left behind. I truly hope that this is not a honeymoon period that you are still in, aided by the counselling. I would recommend that you continue to go to conselling, continue to seek anger management, etc. Because right now, you may be doing well, but things are going to be stressful, eventually, either with your ex or with someone new. And if you have not really really learned and ingrained new and effective BETTER coping skills, when those times come around, I can almost guarantee that you will slip into your old habits, only because those are the ones that you know.
Good luck!
Re:I am a selfish ba***rd? Repentant: [quote author=ISO link=board=1;threadid=14016;start=0#msg117439 date=1120096797">
And if you have not really really learned and ingrained new and effective BETTER coping skills, when those times come around, I can almost guarantee that you will slip into your old habits, only because those are the ones that you know.
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I couldn't agree more. My abusive behaviour was learned, firstly through my own father and then through the high school system (where I had to fist-fight through 6 years of hell) and then through an all-male work history since school.
I've never really had any female friends, buddies, and I never had exposure to girls growing up. All that resentment built up and after about the 5th year of marriage I started to bring it out in arguements. It got worse and worse...and i remember the day she took the kids and left, I actually thanked her.
I honestly need to forgive myself, true. Some days i wake up in a sweat at what I've lost. I'm working on that through counselling and other methods, like keeping physically fit (which seems to help me cope better).
I haven't lost my temper in many many months but I still know that more time must pass- lots of time.
Hard to have 'fun' in the midst of all this, but there have been moments where I've actually cracked a laugh or three.
Thanks so much for the responses by the way- they really help.
EDIT: Did someone bless this site or something? Because today she rang me and said she'll go to counselling with me.
Maybe the talking about it here made me relax more or something, but it was the last thing i expected.
Re:I am a selfish ba***rd? Suddenly Single: I had the same reaction as ISO....but there is something to your posts - the sincerity she talked about that made me respond to you.
I am very happy for you to hear about the phone call. That is progress.
Just wanted to check back in - best wishes. SS
Re: I am a selfish ba***rd? Repentant: Well, it's been nearly a week...
She came over on Saturday to give me the kids, gave me a nice kiss and everything was fine.
Today I rang to talk to our kids and I made the mistake of asking if she still wants to take counceling. She responded with "I dunno". I asked her why she's not sure and she let me have it- big time. How I hurt her..I listened to it all and then she said she had to go..click.
I shouldn't have mentioned it. Back to square one?
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