Re:I am a selfish ba***rd? Suddenly Single: Thank you - for a sec I thought I was going a little nuts! I'm not sure why you removed it because I think that is important information.
First, I'm so happy to hear that you sought out help for yourself. However 6 months - though it seems long - is still a short amount of time comparably to your divorce. I hope that you continue with counseling to deal not only with past issues but what you are going through presently.
It might be too soon yet to determine if you need to "let go" - maybe as hard as it is...go slow with her. 12 years of abuse is a LONG time. It can't be fixed quickly in a few months. Just communicate with her - let her see you how you are now. She needs to build some trust back as well as you need to build back some trust and confidence back in yourself. Maybe try to do things on "neutral" territory. Have a lunch out - walk in a park - go to the zoo or something else you might enjoy that is not at "her"place or "your" place. Continue taking care of yourself - don't push her or the kids. Take it one day at a time. She is telling you she still loves you and that is a good thing. She is probably terrified that you haven't changed and struggling thinking this is just another "honeymoon" period and maybe once youget her back you'll resort to your old ways.
Unfortunately, you have made mistakes, hurt her, scared her - Give her the time she needs to see that you have sought help and have changed. You are also dealing with a lot of emotions right now too - continue with your counseling! Be open with her and don't be afraid to really communicate with her and tell her how you feel and find out from her how she is feeling and what she is going through. Sharing/Communicating is sooo important.
Good Luck to you.
Re:I am a selfish ba***rd? Repentant: Thanks for the advice.
I know it's difficult for her too.
Re:I am a selfish ba***rd? Suddenly Single: This is a very difficult situation and I hope that you are committed to being the man you are now and not going back to the anger. I hope and pray that for you.
Will she talk to you? Maybe write down how you feel - expressing in writing sometimes helps. Of course she is being told to see you less - I would tell her that too if I cared for her and knew the past - that is a normal thing for family and friends to do. That you need to be able to understand and deal with.
First of all - concentrate on being a father. Call them, be on time, make time - listen to them. Don't use them - don't put them in the middle. They are having a hard time too and they need you.
You should be scared because this is going to be a challenging time in your life. Maintain your support - maintain your composure. You may have lost the life you once knew but that doesn't mean that you can't come out of this as a better person and a good father. In the very least you will have peace that you are no longer hurting them and can work past that.
Again, continue with your counseling.
So much easier to say than do - but time does heal and in healing you will gain better perspective.
Re:I am a selfish ba***rd? jillieb44: Repentant,
My ex was only marginally emotionally abusive (mostly passive aggressive stuff, and very controlling though subtle) but it still hurt like he**.
I *wish* he'd get counseling -- he's severely clinically depressed and likely bipolar, though his manic phases he's more normal but tends to take on huge projects that haunt him when he gets depressed again...
If he were to do as you have, seek counseling and medication AND show me that he's changed, it would still take me a while to regain his trust, as he hurt me for the better part of 14.5 years.
If you were physically and verbally abusive it will probably take your wife longer. Don't push. Be supportive, let her see the changes for herself. It's going to take awhile, especially seeing you in situations you would have blown up in in the past and seeing you handle yourself differently. She needs time. And if she's willing to give that to you, then you should be extremely thankful.
Good luck. I hope it works out well for you.
Jillie
Re:I am a selfish ba***rd? Repentant: Thank God I found this site.
Perhaps in time she will trust me. The hard thing for me is to fill the hours, days and weeks with meaningfull activities. I miss them terribly, but at the same time I know that if she didn't get up and leave I never would've learned a damned thing.
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