Friggin Yahoo! Reminders!!! gumby55555: I was chugging along quite well (as well as can be expected, I suppose) and had gone out with some buddies last night when, exactly at midnight, I get a fucking Yahoo! reminder text msg announcing my ex's birthday today. Just what I needed...
I felt a twinge of "downness" but got back into the upbeat, social atmosphere. Came home... thought about it fleetingly before sleeping. Woke up feeling quite okay... started clearing up some stuff on my computer and found some old files of "ours"... BIG FRIGGING MISTAKE!
I found some old videos we'd shot online when things were at their happiest... I was able to watch it fine... felt a few tears welling up but no dams burst. Then a feeling of resolve... as if it's relegated to the past and it's okay. Followed very quickly by my current mood of almost an outright depression...
The thing that pushed me over the edge was that she sounded SO sweet... we were SO incredibly loving and sweet to each other. There were videos of just the two of us... we were SO lovey-dovey... and she was so sweet and considerate (as was I). And she looked so pretty.
It seemed so perfect... SHE seemed so perfect! Pretty, sweet, nice, in love, and... just... perfect. But what happened near the end (the things she did), just a year and a half after that, makes me wonder how I can think such thoughts about her. A part of me thinks I should send her some acknowledgement for her birthday... that I should start looking her up, finding out things about her now (it's been about 5-6 months, depending on when you start counting).
But the smarter part kicks in and refuses. And I'm gonna go work out and work off some of this sadness and frustration... but the thing that really bothers me now is wondering how I'm going to decide if any new relationship will last.
Seeing those old videos... we were so incredibly happy and in love. I thought it would last forever... that she was the perfect complement for me. And she IS sweet and nice... but she also runs away, lies, and cheats (but not in her mind, perhaps, because it was a "time apart"). So what does that mean for my current/future relationships? How do I know that they might not do the same thing again. This REALLY is a HUGE issue with me now... how to tell whether a future partner might not degenerate in the same way when things get rough.
I hide who I am to some extent in my relationship now... I'm unsure of whether it will or should last. I know that *I* didn't do any of that stuff (cheating, lying, etc.) even when things got tough... but was it just because things didn't get tough enough for me or would I just never do them? Are there people that, no matter what, would always stay committed and be loyal? Am I one of these people? Or is it unrealistic to expect that from anyone unless you can ensure things don't get so bad for them (according to their definition) that they resort to such actions. I don't know... I'm feeling too confused and sad and frustrated... been a while since I've been in this place...
I'm gonna go work out and come back later to catch up on Ojar... I know I've been remiss in keeping up with others' stories but isn't it amazing how your first instinct when something bad happens is to come on here and just post, not knowing if it will help you solve the problem or help others or if there's even a point to posting... I guess that really is the definition of a support system or, even more, of a friend... thanks Michael and all the wonderful people that make me think of Ojar as a friend and for allowing such a forum to just vent when things aren't as good or happy as you'd hoped... it really does help...
Re:Friggin Yahoo! Reminders!!! Samarra: Oh Christ...am I in this place right now! I hate this place.
Are there people who can love you and stay committed no matter what?
I haven't found that special person yet and on my darkest days question if there is such a thing?
A love that can withstand? I'm not an idiot and of course I know that passion fades over time....unrealistic to think or hope otherwise.
But what about caring, friendship...that deeper level love takes after the fires have burned down?
Too many people run from this. They only want the excitement They only crave the giddiness, the intoxication...that "falling in love" can bring.
Well I want someone who can deal with the rest...the everyday, mundane grittiness of real life. The problems..dirty dishes...financial bulls**t..the arguements...and yes...work..that a true partnership needs. Does it exist? I don't know...but I hope to hell it does.
That felt great...good vent...now I need a beer and a cigarette!
Re:Friggin Yahoo! Reminders!!! gumby55555: [quote author=Samarra link=board=20;threadid=14052;start=0#msg117370 date=1120085276">
on my darkest days question if there is such a thing?
A love that can withstand? I'm not an idiot and of course I know that passion fades over time....unrealistic to think or hope otherwise.
But what about caring, friendship...that deeper level love takes after the fires have burned down?
Too many people run from this. They only want the excitement They only crave the giddiness, the intoxication...that "falling in love" can bring.
Well I want someone who can deal with the rest...the everyday, mundane grittiness of real life. The problems..dirty dishes...financial bulls**t..the arguements...and yes...work..that a true partnership needs. Does it exist? I don't know...but I hope to hell it does.
[/quote">
Ahh, I am *completely* with you on this one, Samarra! And, like you, I find myself questioning it on the dark days... luckily, the sun shines again on a new day and I find hope for finding such a person... such a love... yet again. I think the fundamental requirement of such a person would be honesty... if they're dissatisfied or unhappy, to communicate that dissatisfaction honestly and straight-forwardly. It's only the deception that accompanies the avoidance of pain and discomfort that leads people to such dark places, I think... anyway, that's the answer I've come up with so far. So I look for honesty... not a turets-syndrome-esque honesty but an intrinsich honour and dignity that gives them the strength to say the truth in the important matters, no matter how difficult or painful. I hope I have that, as well... I'm not sure if I'd withstand all tests but I believe I would... I suppose being honest about my own uncertainty is a start on that path... okay, nuff rambling... best go workout yet again! :) I hope you're having a better day today!
Re:Friggin Yahoo! Reminders!!! Samarra: :)Hey Gumby,
Thankfully...yes...today is better. Your post inspired me to vent...and as you can see vent is what I did! Doesn't happen too often...but there ya go!
I also agree with you...honesty is key. Sometimes in the beginning of a relationship we have the best of intentions...but for some reason unbeknownst to me...the other person changes...you know the deal...you date Ms. Jekyl and end up with Hyde. WTF?! Where does that person come from?
OK..before I go into another full-blown tirade (somebody smack me!!) let's just say...I'm a hopeless romantic and will never give up my search for that special person Iknow is out there for each of us.
Re:Friggin Yahoo! Reminders!!! Chey: I'm so sorry this got you so down honey....sometimes you really need to practice tough love on yourself (that sounded weird)...and erase all those kinds of things. Put the movie's away, put the pictures away and eventually the memories will go away on their own.
I know it's not easy, but that pedestal you have her on, of remembering how perfect the good times were, is making it hard in this new relationship because you keep wanting those perfect sweet moments...and this is a new girl, a new relationship. I know you don't have her on that pedestal now, because of what she did, but you have those moments up there.
Not an easy act to follow for you, or any girl you choose darling.
You know where I am ok :)
Big hug
Chey
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