Stunned!! Mathilda68: I have been happily married to my husband for 7 years - together for nearly 10 years (de facto) and we have two beautiful children together - 4 & 2 years old, when one day - out of the blue, he calmly takes me out to lunch and publicly (and oh so gently) tells me that he is very depressed, very confused and needs to have a break to work out what he wants and whether he wants to continue living this life - ie marriage, mortgage, living in the burbs, routine w/kids, etc.
I sit there stunned and try not to burst into tears and just tell him that I understand and if he needs time out to think, then that is fine.
Fast forward 4 months and the story is now this;
1. He isn't really suffering depression (which is what I tell my work colleagues - we work at the same place; and my family & friends)
2. He doesn't really want to try to "fix" our relationship, he just wants out...
3. He just happens to have feelings for a girl who works on his team (and who I have to see every day at work) and they have "confessed their feelings to eachother and need to be together"
4. He has found that being married has suppressed who he is as a person - he needs to find that person again... "I am a wonderful person who doesn't deserve this";
5. He finds the "routine involved with having kids, very boring"
Now I am suddenly a single mother with 2 little children, whose ex husband manages to separate himself from his fatherly responsibilities - although he does see the kids every 2nd weekend.
I'm still in shock.
We laughed, talked constantly, had a great & very regular sex life, and rarely fought. There were no signs at all and he never communicated any of his concerns.
How could this change so suddenly??
Re:Stunned!! Lome: Welcome
I wish you never found us.....
RIght now is one of the most troubled times you will every face. In many ways, your story is much like my own.
He is being selfish. You and your family deserve so much more....Hugs! We are all here to offer support.
Here are some of the general coping mechanisms....
focus on the positives in your life....your children, friends/family, your religion, all of your good traits...
take care of your sleeping/eating . set a routine and try to keep it....
try to have as little contact with him as you can....no phone, letters, no family time....but, if you must keep it very positive
journal and express your feelings
and if possible, read all the entries at ojar that you can...this allows you to see patterns, to meet the different people, and to see what questions have been answered prior to you even thinking to ask.
I am sorry. But prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
Consult a lawyer. Get a firm grasp of your finances. Understand your needs now and predict what they will be in the future.
Emotional Affairs do not necessarily end a marriage.... but, do not hold out hope. His behaviors show he no longer is the man that you fell in love with. It helped me to think of my husband as two different people: my lover and that evil man.
Good luck....
Pm if you need to talk, Just click on the name on the left....
Re:Stunned!! Mathilda68: Thanks Lorne,
Sometimes you do wonder how on earth you got it so wrong...how could I have chosen the wrong person and how did he manage to be such a loving father and husband for so long and then suddenly disappear in a second??
I am working very hard at separating the two and also thinking that this part of my life is over.
Another thing I keep thinking over and over is that before I knew him, I was okay, happy and comfortable with my life which means I can be at that place again!!!!!!
Re:Stunned!! Lome: Hugs!
You will be ok again....just give it time.
He is not the same man you married...you have better sense than that
he has been abducted by aliens and this is his robo replacement...boy did they make a few errors...the man you loved was better looking, did not make so many "sounds" or "smells", and was sane
This robot thinks only with his pride :o
He is just not being very nice right now....
Take care of you! You must be able to do that inorder to help your little ones....
You will find many compassionate souls here....they really do get it and will help.
By the way, I am putting on a pot of coffee...care for any?
Re:Stunned!! Ilosther: Wait, are you now divorced? Broke the news and 4 months later, divorced? No separation first?
I'm kinda in a similar place, wife, out of the blue (well, after 1 week of being distant), told me she wasn't happy, with herself, with the marriage, with her life. Can't be a good mother to our 2 yr old if she wasn't happy with herself-complete BS to me!
So, she says she wanted out. No affairs, no other man, just wants to find herself. This after 11 yrs together, 4 married. Like a bomb dropped on me!
This was a month ago, and after some counselling together and individual, she has decided the best thing for her is to move out. So we have to split finances, and custody of our son. We're still friendly, although she is still so distant, and I'm the one trying to keep the happy face going until she leaves. Turning the other cheek every time she spits in my face with hurtful words.
Marriage was good, everyone saw that, communication could have used work, on both parts. She devoted her life to her job, and in the back of my mind I always think there is someone at her work she is interested in, although she denies it.
But separation is where we are heading, and no dating others was agreed to. Although, what can I believe, she was able to take my whole life and dreams of being together FOREVER and destroyed that in 1 months time.
I guess FOREVER is a short time. She says we've both changed, and she needs to find herself and what she really wants to do in life. Hmmm, she has her career locked down, has a great son, has a husband....what more does she want from life? It sickens me still, but I can't fight for her to stay any longer. Her mind is made up to leave, and maybe she'll figure things out that way, away from me, although still with me since we have to raise our son jointly (50/50).
So, yeah, just keep posting and reading on these forums. Seems like a lot of people have similar experiences, hence, the 60% divorce rate, aint that something to be proud of. I can't say anything about affairs and such, bc I still believe there is no affair going on-maybe I'm blind.
But we had it all, good money, great son, great just being together, probably great sex too, who knows, maybe she found someone else and found better sex. But we had so many great things going for us, and when one person wants more than that and can't see what they have is so great, something is not clicking in the sense of their reality.
Grass ain't greener on the other side!
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