Re:Stunned!! Lome: Trust jillieb44 here...
right on the money
Re:Stunned!! sadaboutdad: again jillie is right.... midlife crissis, my dad went through the same thing only it was after 25yrs of marriage, He all the sudden was like, I don't love my wife and want to be gone, it too was because of an affair... he had been having for four years. After he left us he started to lie and I am pretty sure started doing hard drugs (with her) He stopped helping me or really speaking to me. He wanted to be 18 again (no kids at 18) and live like that at 56. Now 2 yrs later his girlfriend left to go back to her home state (across the country) and he is desperate to try and get back the life he thought he didn't want, but it is too late, my mom won't speak to him or his family (they not only knew about the the affair, but helped him carry it out) I won't trust him after he lied and lied to me about everything and didn't call me and broke promises to me.... all because he wanted to be with her and now that she is gone I am not going to be a "the next best thing" He had a chance to be my father and being with her was soooo much more important to him, I will be his friend, but it will never be like it was before. He regrets this I know and so will your ex when he realizes what he truly lost and will never have again. Your boys are percous and they would only emulate their father if he was around so it might be better for them that he isn't present much. It will hurt him so much more than it will them.
Re:Stunned!! ukchap: Hi Mathilda68
When Men or Women suddenly want out it's 99% due to an other influence ..
Don't beat yourself up too much about this ... It's hard not to though ...
Those that honestly love somebody don't leave ...
That is the ultimate truth ...
Regards UK Chap
Re:Stunned!! mozart101: Sometimes people get married because they think they love another person when in fact they only "think" they do. They will meet a person who they enjoy being with, who has qualities they value, who has a similar sex drive, and on and on. They say to themselves - hey I should love this person because they have all of these great traits. However, they may not really "love" this person. So as time passes the two people have fun - the love appears to be there but in fact it is just a super friendship for one person and love for the other. As time goes on it becomes clearer to the person that he is not in love - but he still loves being around. He has fun - smiles - does all of the expected things but all the while his non-love grows. Meanwhile his SO's love is growing. Eventually the person may grow desperate to feel emotional love as opposed to rational love. Emotional love can not be faked though infatutation is often mistaken for true emotional love. So the person gets pushed out to someone new or decides there is a need to go find the emotional love.
Now here is where it happens. The person leaves for a new life and he tries out new things. Their appeal is wonderful - it gives him energy and makes him feel alive. There is a potential that he may actually find a true love. If he does then it is over for sure. However I think most people do not find true love anytime soon (either they have it waiting in the wings when they seperate or they probably won't find it out in the field). The best thing to do in this situation is to completely let him go. Do not try to get him back but instead try to imagine he is an old school buddy. If you still love him and want him back your best bet is to be strong - show him you do not need him to function but that you do enjoy his company. Get in tune to the activities he does now that he is single. Keep the communications light and happy. It takes time. Sometimes years. If he wants to come back right away - delay - show him your strength and that it's not just about what he wants. I have no scientific proof but I swear that the time spent courting (i.e. not living together and no sexual contact but actively laughing and touching) is directly proportional to the emotional love bond that you will form. Do not let feelings force you into sex. Hopefully, if you still love him then you will get him back. If not then you will need to find someone new - in which case follow these rules with the new man to make sure he truly loves you. Most men - if it is infatuation or just lust will give up after a 4-5 months. True love knows not time.
How do you get strength? Exercise and diet and meditation. Read books also - not romances but rather read up on hobbies or read fiction that challenges your mind. It takes a lot of conviction and I suggest you find something to remind you such are your children - everytime you look at them make a conscious effort to tell yourself to keep going every time you look at them.
Good luck with your future - life is what you make of it - don't be a spectator.
Re:Stunned!! Ilosther: Wow Mozart, great first post!
I agree with letting them go, and I have turned to the just friends, great friends though, approach. My feeling is that love is just a BS word that no one understands what it is. It's a feeling, different for everyone. I love my wife, I love cotton candy. It's just a word. To me, marriage is more about wanting to spend the rest of your lives with someone else. Just knowing that you can trust that they will always be there for you through the crappoloa and the good times. You should never forget who you are as a person, but it's always better to share that with someone, that happiness.
Love just confuses things, it's more about commitment and trust that you can have these kids together and stay together as a family, not split up and leave one to raise the kids on their own, or even to raise 50/50.
If you haven't divorced yet, yeah, give him time. But take the time to get over him, and better yourself. I am going to take that approach. If she betters herself too while "finding herself" (another BS term if you ask me), and you are both better in the end, then great, you guys are both better people. At that point you can see if its worth it to give it another shot together, or just go on your separate ways and thank each other for making each other better people.
It sucks, it hurts, you wanna die sometimes, but if you become a better person on your own, then happy you.
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