Is he insane? dgiirl: I think my stbxh is insane. I've read marriagebuilders and divorcebusting, and they talk about the "fog" of wayward spouses. Is this what they're talking about?
The first two months after the d-bomb he was adamant about me settling. He didnt want me to go to a lawyer before we talked. I went to see a lawyer, and he freaked out on me. He wouldnt go see a lawyer until I told him too.
After the first two months, I saw my lawyer and told my stbxh that he has to give me some numbers. He went to see a lawyer and came back the next two days saying he saw a lawyer and told me how the process goes. (Everything my lawyer already told me). I said great, i'm happy we're on the same page, now give me some numbers. He told me to give him a few days, his lawyer will write up a draft. A month later he comes back saying the same thing he originally did about dividing things up, but still no numbers. I told him listen, you want this divorce, you're going to have to give the numbers first. He said ok, give me a week, then another week, then another, then another, so a month after that he says his lawyer's mother is sick and dying in the hospital. So another two weeks pass, then my lawyer calls me up and asks what's going on, then tells me to come in and sign the initial divorce papers. One of us has to file. My lawyer believes my stbxh doesnt have a lawyer, and this draft thing sounds ridiculous. Plus, no lawyer would write up a draft and send it to the other lawyer until the initial divorce papers are signed (where the papers have to be hand delievered to one of the spouses). So i filed for the divorce, and the bailiff hand delievered the papers to the stbxh. I was nice and emailed my ex telling him to expect the papers. He emailed me back disregarding the comment and just said he wanted to come over and pick up some stuff. I was really busy and I didnt respond to the email right away. A few days later he emailed me saying he got the papers, and wanted to come over to pick up his stuff. That night I happened to have an emergency in the house, and I called him. He offered to come over right then and there. I accepted. He came over, looked at the problem, and basically didnt know what he was doing anyways, so it was pointless to ask him over. Anyways, I told him to take his crap. I had packed up a lot of his stuff and instead of taking it, he picks through it and says he'll come back another day for it. WTF, it's his crap and he wanted it, now he wants it another day? Now he emails me saying he wants to come over for his Tea and herbs? I dont drink tea, but he's going to drive all the way out here for TEA?!?!
Anyways, on top of this, the last month he's wanting to cancel the phone/tv/internet and move it to his new appartment. All the bills have been in his name, and so I asked him for the account numbers so I can call the companies to make sure I dont have any interupted service. All i asked was for the account numbers, and he goes off saying I want him to move the accounts into my name. I didnt ask him to do anything but to give me the account numbers. So after that tiff, I successfully got the account numbers, and got the tv into my name. Now with the phone, I asked him to just call them up and authorize the transfer. He responds saying he doesnt want to give me the account because he's had it for a very long time and doesnt want to get rid of it because it shows his credit history? All I want is the phone number in my name. Am I missing something? How does that make him lose his credit history? So he calls up the phone company and changes the address to his new appartment but STILL does not authroize the phone to my name. He tells me dont worry, he'll keep it active for as long as I want. (We'll be selling the house eventually, so until then he'll keep the line open for me).
On a side note, his birthday passed and I did nothing for it. The next day he IM me at work for something really really stupid. I told him to email me these things and to not bother me at work anymore. About a few weeks later, I called him for the emergency, and that was the first time he answered then asked how I was! Then a few days later he asked for the tea, and actually addressed the email with my name, instead of just hi. I'm at the stage where I look for these little pathetic clues to see if he cares and start to analyze them.
On the bright side, when he came over to pick up his stuff, I actually saw him and was thinking to myself WTF is wrong with me for crying over this guy? So the fog in me is starting to lift a little. Unfortunately, when i have no contact with him, I start to relapse.
Thanks for letting me rant :)
Re:Is he insane? enganada: sorry :-\. I guess its all we want to hear sometimes and prob. wont get. RANT on !! it sure helps me.
Re:Is he insane? Suddenly Single: Why are you getting the divorce? Who originally wanted it? Sometimes I think that they don't really want it - if you want it - you'll pursue it. Mine cheated on me for months and I had to do everything - get the lawyer, do the numbers first, put the house up, take inventory of everything - if I left it up to him it would have never gotten done. I also struck while the possible guilt factor was high....the more time that passes....shock wears off - guilt dies down and then they are not as apt to be as agreeable.
If I were you and want to get divorced - get the ball moving yourself. It will make you feel better to take that control. Ok...I'm saying it will - what I should say is that it made me feel great to know I did it and I was able to do everything on my own.
Best Wishes. SS
Re:Is he insane? dgiirl: Sorry, I should have put some background information too.
My stbxh came home on valentines day and told me he wants a divorce. I was totally blindsighted and I never expected that to happen. He told me how a horrible person I was, all I did was take from him, all he's done is give to me, and this is the universes way of balancing things out. That I need to start giving back to the world. He offered to stay for a week to help me learn to live on my own, and I told him if he wants a divorce then get out. He left the next day. A few days later he confessed there was another woman. He told me he never loved me, never wanted to get married, but didnt want to hurt my feelings.
During our marriage I tried to communicate with him. I told him I felt like we were living as roomates, and he either got offended that I suggested such a thing, or reassured me everything was fine. When I asked him why he didnt tell me, he said I didnt want to hurt your feelings, and that I should have done more than just to ask him. I did everything he wanted me to do, and then he used it against me when he left. He wanted this divorce, not me. But I realize that I was suffering from depression and anxiety for pretty much our whole marriage. He claims he's been depressed for the last 3 years and has been crying himself to sleep every night. He never once told me that was happening. We have different sleeping schedules because he likes to stay up at night and sit on the computer. I allowed him to isolate himself in his room and thought I was being a good wife. I never realized the effect it had on me until now. Everything makes so much sense in hindsight.
So he wanted this divorce in the beginning, and still says he wants it, but when it comes to results, nothings getting done. That's why my lawyer suggested that I file because I'm sitting in limbo and it's taking it's emotional toll on me. Now that the shock is wearing off, I realize that he wasnt the best husband to me, and that if this is how he handles problems and I _ALWAYS_ feel really bad about myself around him, that I should get a divorce. This is definitely no way to live the rest of my life. I'm not a bad person, but I felt like I was most of our marriage. And I only feel that way around HIM. And I dont know why. He doesnt say anything specific, but that's how I always felt around him. I always felt I never measured up. I put him on a pedestal, and worshipped him and it makes me sick.
As for him, I dont know what I want. I want to be happily married with children. I dont want to be scared to voice my opinions anymore. I dont want to feel bad because I get angry. I dont want to feel like i'm selfish because I ask for something.
Re: Is he insane? dgiirl: Ok, I think I'm going insane.
D-bomb dropped Feb 14, 2005
2 months of him nagging me to settle
I finally see a lawyer and come back to him
2 more months of him saying his lawyer is drawing up some papers and I'll get them next week
I see my lawyer and sign the initial divorce request and bailiff hand delivers them to my stbxh
1 month of no news from stbxh or my own lawyer. (I was away for this last week, but will be calling my lawyer on monday to ask what's up)
I think I'm going insane. It was my stbxh who asked for the divorce wasnt it? 5 months and not a damn thing has been done by my stbxh towards this divorce. What the hell am I suppose to do? Is he just selfish and doesnt give a damn if I want to go on with my life, or is he second guessing what he wants? Is this normal divorce proceedings? Or does something sound off? Mind you, I'm biased and probably looking into things deeper then they really mean. But WTF, 5 months and I've done all the work for a divorce he requested because he has a new gf!
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