Need Advice BAD! Wife wants to move out-TOGETHER Ilosther: HI Ojarians!
I need your advice badly.
Those who dont know me, I'll give a quick recap of my past hellish month. Wife not happy, with herself, with marriage. We have 2 year old son. We live with her parents. She's heavily devoted to her career. Hasn't really taken the time to fulfill her own needs outside of work, even though I try to take care of her as much as possible, not baby her, just be a good husband and father.
She wanted to move out to figure things out, needed to get away from everyone. We even went as far as wrote out "trial separation" agreements (money, custody, etc.) She started calling around apts, and its seems nothing is available for another 2 months.
So, 2 days ago, she became distant, I figured bc she felt stuck cuz she couldn't move out. But we live in a densely populated area outside of NYC so it can be hard to find housing so quickly.
Anyway, last night was the first time she was actually crying thru this whole mess, she was usually emotionless to me and the whole situation. I told her I really dont know how much longer I can go thru this, either way she decides, divorce or work it out. She said, if she says we'd work it out, she would just be faking it. I said, I dont care about us anymore, I only care that our son has his parents together.
She was just tearing and angry, and said, FINE, we'll move out together, it doesn't matter about her anymore. She just wont be happy! She said, how do I get my space, I said, well, we can get a 3 bedroom apt, and she said FINE! Crying, and angry, she looked up apts online. I said, but this is not what you want, what's the matter, she said, it's not important, I dont want to talk about it! She said, what kind of marriage is this if we live under 1 roof but sleep in separate rooms. I said, I've always said we need to get out of her parents house and give our marriage a chance first.
So, she doesnt even want to see the therapist anymore, doesnt want to take up her cousins offer of a weekend in the city just to get away. She just wants to be done with this and move out TOGETHER. Even though it's tearing her up.
I never prevented her from getting her own place, I was even going to help her move. But I can't control availability. I was bracing myself for her to leave, we were friendly and cherishing the last days. But I honestly felt, once she moved out on her own, she only needed her job to fulfill her life. I know it's not ideal, but she is so stubborn and so devoted, she will marry her job.
So, what's your opinion on moving out together and getting separate bedrooms? We'd still have to figure out how to give each other space. I know how I can get space since I have friends to hang out with, she doesnt'. But I'll do my best to save this marriage, if it means just taking care of our son together, then her going off into her own room.
It's bittersweet, she angrily and cryingly said fine, we'll move out together, something I wanted to try first before we just end this thing. I know she needs her space, but she is so lost right now. I am the only one in this world that somewhat understands her, but I'm the one in this world that truly loves her and cares for her.
Help!
Re: Need Advice BAD! Wife wants to move out-TOGETHER penguin: I say, no harm in giving it a try. She will at least have her own space in her own room. Who knows, maybe she won't like being alone at night, and she'll come around. I think the consept is a good one for the child. Both of his parents are there, hopefully not fighting, but there.
Re: Need Advice BAD! Wife wants to move out-TOGETHER MaraJade: I’m not sure exactly what kind of advice you want here, but to go with how your wife is feeling – I’ve felt that exact same way before my divorce. You’re saying she can’t afford to find a nice place on her own right? So she says you guys should move out together and it doesn’t matter what SHE wants? I know exactly how she’s feeling (well, nearly). She’s angry and frustrated that she can’t do things on her own. In the long run I don’t know how that will affect her resentment-wise if you all live together. I’m not telling you not to do it. And I’m not saying that it’s your fault by any means. But we all see the world as we want to see it and she may BELIEVE it’s your fault and resent you for it. She obviously already does a bit with how angry that conversation sounded.
Living with her parents must be really rough. Relationships cannot thrive that way. I had to do that for a time (not with my parents, but with his) and it was horrid. Great people, but I’m a bit too old to be living with someone’s parents. Once we moved out money was a stressor (still is), but we didn’t have the same type of relationship stress that came from living with his parents. So who knows what may come of it?
Either way it sounds like you’re in a very tough situation, but just hang in there because eventually one way or another it will get better. If you want to try it, go for it. The only thing it might do is drag out the situation, but if there's a chance it might help then what can it hurt? Good luck.
Re: Need Advice BAD! Wife wants to move out-TOGETHER Older Guy: I don't know about this one - i find it hard to believe that this will be enough space for her.
Re: Need Advice BAD! Wife wants to move out-TOGETHER JimB: Actions speak louder than words. If she's willing to take this step with you, regardless of what she says about it, it means something.
If you truly want to be with her, go with it. Something obviously had to change - why not this? Things ain't gonna get any better if you are afraid to take a risk. The two of you can figure out the space thing in the process of getting established on your own.
IMO, she doesn't know what she wants - she only knows she's not happy. It's an opportunity for you to take charge a bit, and follow the path of what you want.
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