A loan for the real cost of an affair? sf7: Yeah okay, so I’ve been viewing these posts for a while a finally got the gumption to drop my situation out there. I’m flinching for the response, but need to hear it. This is really the only way to truly air the dirty laundry and get real and valuable advice (both biased and unbiased). First and foremost, I appreciate your willingness to read and drop your take on this:
I’ve been married for 11 years to a great woman. That’s 11 years of life on the same path folks, and two sweet little girls (8 and 3) coming along in the process. Nothing has ever interrupted our marriage and everything has been really positive and progressive throughout the life of our marriage, until…
A while ago I started working with this girl (well, that just gave away the plot), who was married and in my perception didn’t pose a risk to my marriage. I felt no risk factors in the making. As this girl and I began to be together more and more, we, of course, began to discover this connection; a commonality that just seemed unreal. Now, I have to insert that I resisted this intensely; by “this” I mean the enormous commonality and any emotional pull towards her. Turns out I could only resist for so long.
Fast forward 8 months. I ended up with her on a business trip. See, that sounds so point blank and typical that of course the knee-jerk advice spins out as “you play with fire you get burned”, “take your medicine” and “loser”. What they don’t tell you in these things is that it’s not just a dive into the deep waters of sex and you get back out of the pool, it’s a culmination of a built relationship that you didn’t even realize was being constructed and the degrading summation of the word “affair” doesn’t justify the force of the pull. As pathetic as it sounds, we accidentally fell in love, in my own estimation.
(Now I do realize that by allowing myself to get to this point was a selfish move and that no amount of rationalization will remove the fact that I turned my back on my wife and girls.)
A couple of months later, I found out that this girl that I had given so much to, was pulled toward someone else and putting a lot of effort into it. When I confronted her, she abandoned him and I abandoned her. I was hurt, and relieved. It was a sharp slap in the face as to who she really was and any possibility of us being together really faded at that point. As embarrassing as it is to admit (taking full advantage of the anonymity of this forum), I then realized with stark clarity what I really had in my wife. Trust. The irony was that I was about to lose hers.
For the longest time I believed that I would not be able to tell her. It wasn’t that I feared the loss of my life that I built as much as I just didn’t think she deserved the pain that I was about to unload on her. I realized quickly that this is really an impossible load to carry around in your marriage. I spoke to a friend who had been through similar who encouraged me to have more trust in my wife by telling her (and this was a unique point of view). Yadda, yadda…I ended up telling her, which of course introduced a new pain into our lives, but amazingly, she was remarkably forgiving and accepting.
And they lived happily every after. That would be a somewhat nice ending, right?
(I appreciate your patience up to this point, and staying with me on this)
The sideline story: The girl ended up leaving her husband and put a newfound strength behind her commitment to be with me. I, however, cannot see a future without trust, no matter how much “commitment, love, friendship, connection, sacrifice” she throws at me (and this is all other factors aside…my wife, my girls). Again, can you see the irony in that statement?
Psychoanalysis: I’m fighting an inner demon daily. So much so that it’s a compelling sell at times that I should just leave it all and start fresh with this girl. The real cost of an affair is the fact that I am in constant unintentional comparison; coupled by things sweetening with time. The girl that I left with for that short time becomes more and more addictive in my memory. The sell being: she is in every way more “compatible” and represents a life of happiness that I simply cannot have in my current state. The real risk: it’s a phone call away. But the realist in me knows.
In short, ignorance is bliss, I wish I had never known this other path and I need help to forget that it exists and that it looks “greener”. This real cost is overwhelming. At times, everything points to this girl, but it always comes back to trust: she lost mine and when I thought I lost my wife’s, I didn’t. I’m pulled in both directions constantly and I really don’t know the answer.
I appreciate your expertise and this forum to vent. Don’t pull any punches but keep in mind that this is a process…not just a simple decision. Thanks.
Re: A loan for the real cost of an affair? lemondrop: Can you change jobs?
It sounds like you've made the decision to stay with your wife. If you can, I'd say get away from the girl/temptation as fast as you can.
Don't be a dirtbag - run, run, run. Honor your wife and children by getting the other woman out of your life if you can.
Just my 2 cents.
Re: A loan for the real cost of an affair? lemondrop: P.S. You said "The sell being: she is in every way more “compatible” and represents a life of happiness that I simply cannot have in my current state."
So let's just say that you ditch your wife for this girl... it will be amazing - the best sex you've had in a long time, new adventures, less responsibility - it will be unbelievably wonderful... almost [font=Verdana"> perfect[/font"> even... but what happens when she cheats on you with that other guy and you get left with nothing? Your wife will be long gone, you'll be paying child support and unable to see your kids very often, while your wife bangs her new boyfriend who will probably be way hotter than you anyway... and you'll be alone and miserable, right? That doesn't sound like a life of happiness to me... it just sounds foolish...
Hope it doesn't sound too harsh... just trying to help...
Lemondrop
Re: A loan for the real cost of an affair? sourpuss: i will say to you the same thing i would say to your WIFE:
once a cheater, always a cheater.
Re: A loan for the real cost of an affair? little_sparrow: You seem like a fairly self-aware guy.
You realize this other girl is just a distraction and you are just a distraction for her. It is a complete fantasy. It becomes addictive because it is exciting to you. she looks more and more attractive because of the danger, thrill, and chance of being caught. It is easier to chase after *this* than deal with the real root of the problem.
What is it you are running from?
My guess is you are tired of the day to day monotany, the pressures and the familiar, compassionate love you share with your wife and family. All of a sudden, there is something exciting, passionate, new staring you in the face. You have a chance to escape into something exciting. You can start over and be the man you want to be. The only problem is that the exciting, crazy, romantic love you feel right now will change to compassionate love eventually as well. And like you and the new girl is also a romantic love chaser, she won't stick it out like your wife has.
There is something very beautiful about compassionate familiar love. *That* is true love. After 11 yrs, there is no way your wife can compete with someone new. Why expect her to? But there is no guarantee this new romantic love will blossom into the type of true loving relationship you have with your wife. It might. But chances are it won't.
Your wife will not forgive you again.
You have to decide. Safe, familiar, stable, and comfortable or something new, exciting and unpredictable. Only you can decide what you value more, who you are, and who you want to be.
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