Re: A loan for the real cost of an affair? barelybreathing: You cannot be serious?
What you need to be doing is dropping to your knees and begging for forgiveness.
Your poor wife and two daughters. They desever better. They deserve honor and integrity. Which clearly you cannot offer.
You ended a relationship with that woman because you could not trust her? That is a laugh! More like karmic justice.
I am sorry, you will get no empathy from me UNLESS, you repent and truly atone.
Marriage is a covenant. Love is not a feeling but a covenant. HONOR your covenant.
Most importantly honor yourself.
Re: A loan for the real cost of an affair? justmenow: Actually, sf, as the recipient of my ex-husband's affair(s), I can really appreciate the courage it took for you to so eloquently lay that out there. Believe it or not, it actually helped to see where this all came from and how it played out.
I don't agree with, nor condone the actions, but it sounds to me like you already realize and are fully aware of your actions and resulting consequences. I have nothing more to add to this at this time, but thank you for an interesting post. It was insightful.
JMN
Re: A loan for the real cost of an affair? PiscesGoddess: hmm..this is a sticky situation to put it mildly..
While I have to admire you for coming here and laying it all out..If you have lurked on ojar awhile you will know that most cheaters get strung up tarred and feathered here..not that theres anything wrong with that in some cases...but..I want to make sure that you are not choosing your wife because "you no longer trust this other girl".. Make sure you are not making your wife your second choice b/c the other one didnt work out.. If there is a snowballs chance in hell this girl is going to walk back into your mind or your thoughts..Let your wife go and have a chance at happiness. If you are TRULY committed to your marriage then do whatever you have to do to make it up to your wife..which it sounds like you are trying to do. And perhaps a little therapy thrown in wouldnt hurt either.. I am wishing you and your family the best on this long road to recovery.
Pisces
Re: A loan for the real cost of an affair? JerniganReturns: *sigh*
This man came here for advice, not to be judged. I realize that this is a sore spot for many people on the board---and I empathize with you!---but if we can't put our feelings aside for a moment, then perhaps we should forgo posting if we're unable to lend some constructive insight.
First of all, I admire your candor and, as another poster pointed out, you seem fairly self-aware. Temptation presented itself, and you couldn't resist. Now it's led to some considerable repercussions.
This whole "once a cheater, always a cheater" business is so much horsemuck (I provided my own euphemism here---like it?). This implies that people can't change, that they don't learn from their mistakes, and every situation in which cheating is involved is more or less the same. If this were the case---if we're not here to improve ourselves and shed some light on our condition---then why are we here again? To weep on one another's shoulders, and that's it?
I do believe, however, that often a relationship ends how it started; that is to say, if it started poorly, there's a stronger possibility that it will END poorly. If you're starting a new relationship without trust, then it's going to be long, uphill slog, brother, let me tell you. Think about it. Are you going to trust this woman---ever? Will you always be worried that she's looking over your shoulder?
I too was in a similar situation at one time; unlike you, however, I waited until my wife and I were seperated and the divorce papers drawn. I spurned this young woman's advances, though it was and though I knew my marriage was basically over. Actually, I felt guilty just TALKING with her. When I still lived with my wife, this girl made all kinds of declarations and promises; in my mind and heart, I knew they had to be real, right? Wrong. What started quickly ended quickly, so there you go: case in point.
My only consolation is that she was never a factor in the demise of my marriage. No, I have other things to thank for that.
I understand your desire to start with a clean slate. The guilt you must feel is surely a considerable burden to bear. Seeing your wife and kids every day only fuels this guilt and anxiety, I imagine. Did you ruin your marriage? Hard to say. The only place to go now is forward. You must tell your wife----perhaps do so in counselling, or in a conrolled context. But you have to tell her to move forward. That's what I *believe*.
I once read that hiding an affair is like hiding an alligator under a bed; sooner or later, some part is going to stick out and show itself. Tell your wife about the alligator before it catches her off guard.
Re: A loan for the real cost of an affair? Lumpy: Dear sf7,
I think you need to paint your fantasy with a few strokes of reality here. How compatible are the two of you going to be while you're dealing with a bitter (and rightfully so) ex-wife? How much fun is it going to be for her to split time with or participate in the raising of two daughters who aren't hers? Is she going to hold your hand when you are wracked with guilt for having broken up your family? Your income is not going to be what it is now. You don't really know how compatible the two of you are until you have to deal with day-to-day life together. Eventually you're going to make comparisons that aren't favorable to her. How much "fun" is that going to be for her? I admire the fact that you were honest with your wife. The thing is if you're still considering the OW then your confession doesn't really mean anything....
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