I Wrote This Wjile in Therapy - Gave Wife A Copy - Please Share Your Thoughts rjack0612: We all have seen those television commercials touting the dangers of hypertension, the silent killer. I stand before you today warning of an even greater nemesis. Depression.
For the past few years, I just did not feel right. I could not describe what the feeling was at the time, but it was there, all day, every day. It slowly changed me from a kind, loving, caring, fun-loving individual into a “joyless man.” My wife warned me that something was wrong. I needed to get help but her pleas fell upon my deaf ears.
In retrospect, I felt like the Eddie Mush character from A Bronx Tale. Remember him? He was called that because everything he touches turns to mush. No matter what he did, he lost. That was how I viewed my life and circumstances. Even during those rare, momentary instances when things did go right, I somehow managed to only see a black cloud engulfing every silver lining.
My wife and I had been trying to cope with too many issues for far too long, both individually and as a couple. There were numerous health problems, financial problems, family problems, you name it, it happened to us. We were living, breathing examples of the old axiom, “bad things happen to good people.” The constant calamities slowly ate away at us bit by bit until only burned out husks remained.
The trials and tribulations occurring in our life became insurmountable. It would have been easier to shovel smoke with a pitchfork in the wind than to come up with viable solutions to the daily dilemmas we were faced with. As a result, my self-esteem evaporated at an alarming rate because I mistakenly believed that it was my job as a man to “fix” everything. When I came to the realization that I couldn’t, my shattered confidence fell to the ground like confetti on New Year’s Eve while everything and everyone I had known and loved crashed and burned around me.
I was physically exhausted all of the time. My mind raced at the speed of light 24/7 in search of solutions that always seemed to just slip through my fingertips. My family doctor prescribed Ambien in a futile attempt to help me sleep at night. However, nothing worked long term. Many a night, I would lie awake silently praying that I would somehow be put out of my misery. As the sunlight slowly crept through the curtains in the morning I would curse God for allowing me to see what was sure to be another miserable day.
