three steps backward clambakesX: Today I had an interview for what had sounded like my dream job. I prepared in all kinds of ways, did almost everything possible to give myself a chance.
But tonight I'm sitting here hurting and thinking that job descriptions have a lot of parallels with internet dating profiles. They write what they're pretty sure you want to hear, and then on top of that you read into them what you so deeply desire. Then you meet, and everyone's on best behavior, hoping the other side is the answer to unmet needs and unfulfilled dreams. Questions are asked, games are played. Despite checklists matching up, maybe there's a feeling that things don't fit. Especially telling can be answers about the last person who filled the position to which you aspire. Or thought you were aspiring.
The official interview was with three directors. I should have done it in English. My local language skills are excellent, but I had a fever and a headache and hadn't slept much, so I was working at about 25% power. Further, the finance director was mean and arrogant and I would bet my last packet of cold medicine that his English is lousy. I gave some excellent answers to a few difficult questions, but undersold myself in some key areas. I couldn't make any connection at all with the scientist (middle-aged, dowdy, apparently no connection to her own body) and I'm pretty sure the marketing guy's apparent openness was just his smooooooooooooothnificence.
And the job sounded more and more like moving in with a set of insecure, passive-aggressive insomniac sky-diving borderline plus-size siamese-twin runway models who aren't speaking to each other. The work for Msr. Marketing would easily fill 70 hours a week, plus travel, and the expectations that Finance Guy started voicing would fit an indentured scullery maid. Ms. Scientist's intimations throughout the interview that I currently have nothing to do became tiring, and unfortunately I didn't shoot her down every time. I'm not opposed to hard work at all, but something seemed very off in their idea of teamwork. Hey, I can't get "dooced" http://www.dooce.com/archives/daily/02_26_2002.html for writing that, because what can they do to me? Make me take the job?
I was handed off to a scientist and shown around the company, a little. During that tour I felt worse than I've felt in a long time. I've been depressed at some level or another ever since I was really small, but over the past years I've managed to keep that at a manageable level. As I left, the atmosphere was not good. The scientist-director walked me to the door, told me to send her some additional documentation, which I'd overheard Finance Guy demanding that she go over with a fine-tooth comb. She wished me a safe drive home. Hello, I had to go to WORK.
I left the technology center feeling horrible, hideous. Driving home through 200 kilometers of bad traffic and nothing on the radio but news of the attacks in London, I contemplated suicide for the first time in a long while. (I don't mean suicide ideation, which I've also managed to mostly eliminate.) I'm not entirely sure what that's about. Maybe it's about being 31 and having lived most of my life in servitude to others' expectations, at the cost of my own interests, just to wake up and find out they didn't really care that much, nor value my contribution, and now I'm way behind in the one area that is pretty consistent about repaying all I have to offer.
In the past week I've attached huge hopes to this job. Forcing myself to take little steps to prepare for the interview kept me going. I know, I know. Move forward. Make new calls, find new potential employers. Just like you don't lose courage after one bad blind date. Except that while I can live very well without a man, a fulfilling job is life-blood for me.
Re: three steps backward amola: oh medusa.....{{{HUGS}}}
i'm sorry it went so crappy for you....and i know that you were looking forward to this so much! just hang in there, don't give up, and maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised. maybe you'll actually get it and it will be your dream job, or you'll find that dream job because you didn't get this one. everything will work out the way that it's supposed to in the end!!!
until then, keep your chin up....we're all here for you!!!
:)
amola
Re: three steps backward timetobefree: I am so sorry to hear what happened. I wish I had some great words of wisdom, some sage advice, but I really don't. I know how it feels...to attach lots of hopes and dreams to a job, to make it into something it isn't.
I know that some stranger from a message board telling you how brave and awesome you are for sticking it out in some strange country probably doesn't count for much, but even it if doesn't, I am going to do it anyway. ;D WOW, I think the world of you. You are making it in a foreign country, without family, in a foreign language, without the one person who should be supporting you. From your writing, it seems that you have it together, even when things seem to be falling apart around you. I hope you can see in yourself the strength we all see in you. It is there, I promise. I really admire and respect you.
So there! And by the way, I LOVE dooce.com. She is fabulous! And isn't Leta the cutest? Oh, and Chuck, too! Ever read tomatonation.com? She is fabulous as well!
PM if you want...I'll be around!
Amy ;D
Re: three steps backward Lome: Hi,
I am sorry that it did not work out the way you wanted....and i am sorry you are down.
Be proud of yourself! You are special and are doing a great job just making it!
Good luck....
pm if you need to chat....
I am here between remodeling stuff ;D
Re: three steps backward Smiley17: I wish you the best of luck with this, Medusa!!
((((( HUGS )))))
-KB
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