pseudo cheating -- intent but no action -- now what?? warned: My wife and I are at a stage of the last few weeks of trouble on the homefront. After much arguing, hurting, stress and even a few rational conversations we have crossed another bridge that there may be no return.
After the session I came back and talked to my wife who was still very angry/frustrated about our whole situation. During the conversation with my wife she indicated to me that there is one thing that I could admit to that would relieve the tension and anger that she has about our situation. I searched the archives of my mind and came up with one event that happened a couple of years ago that I had never discussed with her. I had consciously blocked this out and coined it up as not that big of a deal. An occasion when she was out of town I made phone contact with another woman in attempt to meet up with this woman. The encounter didn't happen. After the contact I was ashamed and aggravated with myself about the poor decision I made and also knew what my wifes reaction would be if she found out about my attempt. In my infinite wisdom I decided not to say anything figuring it wasn't going to cause a problem. As I should have known, she knew.(woman's intuition?) She didn't know any details or who but she knew something was up. My wife, as well as I, have carried the burden since then. Our recent deterioration of our relationship promtped her to find out what went on and she did. She was waiting for me to tell her about it. I did, in detail. Of course she is hurt by all of this and rightfully so, but the issue is on the table.
With all of this said, we had a lengthy conversation about us and our children. My wife was glad that I was finally honest with her but said she could not longer be married to a man that would violate the trust of marriage for the length of time that I did. I know I made a mistake. I have never physically cheated on my wife but the intent was there. For many this could be a hurdle that could be gotten over but for her this is unacceptable. At least now we are talking. Of course we are talking about the best way forward toward an amicable divorce and peaceful relationship afterward. I have asked her to take a couple of days away before we discuss any details and a way forward.
I have seriously apologized. I also told her that if she can find it in her heart to offer forgiveness that I do want to work things out. She has declined but I won't give up hope. The lines of communication are open and I will keep them that way. I refuse to beg (I know she doesn't want that) but I do let her know I love her and respect her stance on the issue and will continue to do so. I also know that she loves me so I will give her time and distance to sort this out but will be there for her.
Any thoughts on the approach I should take??
Re: pseudo cheating -- intent but no action -- now what?? sourpuss: the approach that you are currently taking is the best one. amicable, honest & open to all possibilities.
giev her a few days to digest before beginning to discuss the terms of your separation/divorce.
hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
Re: pseudo cheating -- intent but no action -- now what?? jaydee: i personally dont think ya did anything wrong..but thats just me...you almost ,but ya didnt and thats about it ..i do understand how your wife must feel, but hey ..you came clean about it...forgive and forget..
wish it was that easy..
good luck ...
Re: pseudo cheating -- intent but no action -- now what?? sourpuss: to an extent i agree, jaydee, but i think one of the problems we all underestimate is the weight of certain actions to our spouses.
warned's wife "knew" something was up at the time and he lied thinking it was no big deal. she probably spent a lot of time believing the worst. if he'd come clean at the time, maybe things would've turned out differently.
also, there's the whole "if nothing happened, why would he lie about it" aspect of this. it makes it very hard to trust someone again when you're thinking maybe they're lying again.
and i'm afraid it is a big deal. if i read the post correctly, warned was trying to hook up with someone else. wouldn't it bother you to know your gal was on the make, even if nothing came of it? maybe it's just a girl thing, but i don't think so.
warned - i still don't think you should give up hope just yet....
Re: pseudo cheating -- intent but no action -- now what?? Isabella: I've been on the other end of a similar situation. Did you sever ties with this other woman afterwards? My stbx said he did, but he had not done so. I think that matters a lot. If you have severed ties, I think your intention probably has shifted and what once was an inclination has turned into a recognized mistake--one that can be worked through. Perhaps I'm naive, but I think that an inclination to cheat indicates that there's something wrong in the relationship. Such an inclination can turn out to be a good thing, particularly if counseling is involved. That would enable you both to address what was wrong in the first place. If I were you, I'd suggest to my wife that we seek counseling; if nothing else, it could give you both the relief of knowing that you tried everything you could.
Click More for the next page.
