Re: pseudo cheating -- intent but no action -- now what?? pushedout: Having been accused of doing this myself and it leading down the road to my own divorce I have to agree with Isabella. Consider counseling. Open and honest communication are essential. I was with my wife, but she couldn't get past the "you thought about it" and didn't matter that when I really thought about it didn't want to do anything with anyone else and realized what I really wanted was her. We get along ok now for the kids and we even help each other out from time to time with errands/projects. Good luck and my thoughts are with you no matter which road/s the two of you travel from here on. Keep in touch, there are so many here willing to listen and offer advise, it will be very helpful as you travel those roads.
Re: pseudo cheating -- intent but no action -- now what?? JimB: Hm.
So this was an isolated incident, years ago, you say? And your conclusion now is that your guilt over this incident (which you had shelved as unimportant) was so obvious that your wife saw it plainly and just stewed about it for years?
I dunno. Something is fishy. I would suggest that your wife reached a place where she was unhappy enough to leave you, but needed a solid reason to do so. So she asked you for one, and you gave it to her. Now she can leave, and her conscience can rest easy knowing you "cheated" on her.
I doubt it's pleasant for her to hear that her life partner had intent to cheat at some point in his life, but I also doubt that's really at the core of what is bothering her. Don't beat yourself up over it, and don't give her any more ammo to tear down your self esteem (perhaps that isn't her intent, but that is probably the effect). In the meantime, it's out there now, and you have to give her the time and space to decide whether she can forgive this mild, ancient misjudgment of yours. You've put the ball squarely in her court - all you can do is wait for it to come back.
Re: pseudo cheating -- intent but no action -- now what?? ChiefWiggum: warned,
It might not be much to go on, but read the posts here. We're filled with stories about people who have been cheated on but are begging the cheaters to come back. I was one of them.
Anyhow, that's supposed to give you hope. I suggest you do not in any way try to downplay the incident. In particular, don't state the obvious anymore ("we didn't actually do it"). Do not blame it on your wife ("if you hadn't...."). Accept responsibility, apologize, *show* her how it's not going to happen again, and give her time to think.
Good luck,
CW
Re: pseudo cheating -- intent but no action -- now what?? warned: It is definitely a rollercoaster ride. I try not to beat myself up too much but I do know that what I have done is unacceptable in a cherished relationship. I don't downplay things any and don't blame her for it.
A few drinks on one night and a bad decision. The woman does live in the same small town and works at the same job as I do. We have never even had a plutonic friendship/relation before the event nor after. Our only contact is stricltly work related.
I do try to stay as upbeat and even keeled as I can when I am around my wife and kids. It hurts like h%^* the fact that I will be losing my family as I know it. I also wonder if my wife thinks that I am just okay with all of this from my actions. It's a tap dance and who knows if I'm even hearing the beat!!
We will talk about a way forward in time but I will definitely leave it to her to make the first move as far as when that conversation starts. Until then it will be cordials only. I did let her know in our last conversation if I am doing something in our interaction that she is not comfortable with to let me know.
Thanks for the comments and opinions....
Re: pseudo cheating -- intent but no action -- now what?? Isabella: There are two things in what you wrote that seem a bit problematic to me. 1) "I also wonder if my wife thinks that I am just okay with all of this from my actions." If your wife may not know that you're not okay with this, then you certainly need to tell her. In the narrative world, a tragedy is in part defined by lost or miscommunication. No matter how difficult it may be to talk about these things, it's important to let her know where you're at, what you're thinking, and what you're feeling. Don't assume anything.
2) "We will talk about a way forward ... leave it to her to make the first move .... Until then it will be cordials only." While this stance at first glance seems admirable to me, I have to also wonder how much of it stems from a place of guilt and maybe fear. It just seems like you're taking an overly passive role in order to atone for things? Well, if she's on the defense, your somewhat blase attitude might suggest to her that you're not particularly invested in the relationship. I don't think you seem blase, but I think you may perhaps come across that way to your wife. In short, I recommend that you be as open and honest as possible. She has a right to make a decision based on all of the information, and not just the censored info.
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