Slow Torture narca: Here's my story from hell - I've been married 14yrs to my wife and have 2 great kids (daughter 10 and son 6). Things were going great, or so I thought, until last year. My wife came home, told me she was in love with someone else (someone she's only known for two weeks), and that she wanted to leave. After convincing her to stay and work it out, she stopped contact with the other man, until last month (she stayed out of contact for about a year). The entire year she was out of contact she seemed distant and cold, but would give me flashes of hope (example-two weeks before she reestablished contact with the other man, she gave me a ring engraved "here's to a new beginning"-made me think we were finally headed in the right direction, but that was not the case). After she reestablished contact, she didn't hide it but confessed to me that same day. Then she left me and spent the night at his house (he's single). She came home and said nothing happenned and that she wanted to give us another shot. I love her to death, so said yes, even though inside my guts felt like they have been ripped out and trampled on. We started marriage counseling and she again agreed to stop seeing him. Things started to look like we were on the road to recovery, but then three weeks into it she destroyed my trust again and made contact. She says she can't overcome her feelings by counseling. She told me she wants to work things out with me and doesn't want to leave me or the kids, but the only way she'll get over her feelings is if she sees this other guy and try to find things that bother her about him. So for the past few days she has left to go see him. She doesn't spend the night but comes home around 1 or 2am. Each time she comes home she tells me nothing happenned and that she is making progress in getting over him. I don't really know what to think or do. It kills me to see her do this, I feel like a sucker, but I'm not sure what else to do to save my marriage. She says what she's doing is helping, comes homes to me and even is intimate with me at times. But everytime she leaves it makes me crazy. I can't eat, sleep, work, or function. My kids feel the tension and its starting to affect them, but I can't concentrate on them cause I'm going nuts. She knows all this but continues seeing him saying she'll be over him soon, but can't put a time limit on it. I don't know how much longer I can take it or if she really is getting over him. I want to stay with her, but I have no more trust in her and my hurt is turning to hate. I've told her how I feel but she says she can't help it and that she is sorry. As long as this goes on my life is on hold and in a state of anxiety and chaos. I'm not sure what to do. Thanks for this great site. It does feel a little bit better to be able to write about this stuff.
Re: Slow Torture WhiskeyGirl: Wow! That is a story from hell! I have no idea how you have the patience and strength to not go over there and kick both there a$$es! I am so sorry your going through this, its terrible. What she says does not make any sense ??? She needs to spend time with him in order to get over him? Thats ridiculas! Mabey I'm a little cynical but it sounds to me like she needs to spend more time with him in order to make sure he DOESN"T have things that bother her and that he is worth leaving you for. In the meantime she'd like you to hang around just in case it doesn't work out with him. This is not what you wanted to hear, Im sure, but I would get out and get out now.....she IS torturing you! That is so unfair. And "nothing happens"? Just what are they doing until 2 in the morning? I'm sorry I dont have anything more positive to say :-\ mabey some other's are less jaded and can give you more encouragment but i think what she is doing is completely selfish and inexcusable. Welcome to OJAR, you will find many here who understand the pain you are going through. Take care of yourself
Whiskey
Re: Slow Torture ajw: you say you feel like a sucker....well sorry,but if you allow her to treat you like this you are a sucker.I suggest next time she does this,to lock all your doors so she cant get back in and leave a suitcase of her clothes on your doorstep.Do you want to know why she treats you this way,because YOU let her...she knows she can go out,pull an alnight gangbang,come home and tell you nothings happened(which i'm sorry but you can't truly believe that) and you let her back in.This is only going to get worse unless you do something about it now.You have to stop allowing her to treat you this way today!
Sorry if i'm being rough mate
good luck
Andy
Re: Slow Torture Isabella: I sympathize. It tore me to pieces to discover that my stbx had developed an interest in someone else. I felt like I'd do or say anything to save our marriage, even take the blame if that's what was needed. But I've since realized that I was perpetuating the problem. As Andy points out, I *allowed* him to get away with this. And now I feel like a complete ass. I wanted to see the best in him; I wanted to believe his words. But in the end I've realized that, however cliche it is, actions do in fact speak louder than words. I suggest that you look more closely at her actions and disregard her words. That may lend you come clarity.
Re: Slow Torture megmad: Well, I have a similar situation, except my spouse is not living in the home. He uses the time he visits our children to torture me and try to be intimate, even proclaiming his love for me after five months away from the home.
It is quite easy for others to say dead bolt and chain the front door, or run away as fast as you can. I am currently in therapy and learning that I've become co dependent on my husband, dedicated all of myself to him for 11 years, and in the process lost my self esteem and individuality. This is why I have succumb to the torture several times.
I've learned that the torture WILL NOT stop until you put your foot down, and stop clinging to the tiny little signs of what seem to be hope for your marriage. There is no hope until your spouse decides to help herself. As long as she has you accepting this behavior and treatment, she is satisfied. The small signs of affection that you see as hope and potential are simply self satisfying for her. My spouse and yours are both living in an illusion, and there is no reason for them to wake up when they can have their cake and eat it too.
When I found myself crying after he walked out the door for the upteenth time, I finally realized I was the one torturing myself. I could not blame him for the torture or manipulation anymore, because simply stated...I was the one allowing it. It is difficult, but until my spouse stops his attempts at manipulating me, I've had to stand my ground and insist upon no contact, unless it is a weekly scheduled visit with the kids. Of course I fight the feelings of wanting to talk to him, but those feelings only last for a short period of time. Everytime I put my foot down I feel stronger and stronger. I actually can look at him and laugh at times, because he thinks he can still control me, and continues to make attempts to do that after five months! In the meantime, he is still seeing the woman he left our home for. It is clear that his world will come crashing some day, but I don't plan on waiting to watch the show.
It is all easier said than done, thats for sure. My suggestion to you is to at least try to set boundaries, and stick to them. Be the adult in this situation, and the parent that your children need, because your spouse definitely is not. I encourage you to seek a therapist. Write in a journal and look back at it a little while later. Its amazing to see what you consume yourself with, and the dysfunction that you are allowing to occur in your life.
Focus on your children, and ask yourself what would you feel if this were happening to them. I 've done that several times, and it definitely put things into perspective for me.
Take care of yourself. Feel free to email to vent any time.
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