Re: separated and talking? RJM: I think that you teach people how to treat you...if you have an open door policy (which I have learned the hard way) he/she feels there is a safety net, and they can always come back if they start having regrets later (or if they start getting lonely or in a funk or whatever the case may be).
There has to be some order to the chaos. If your spouse is telling you he/she needs some space, that may be reasonable...but there has to be some plan to how you will work yourself towards each other again or conclude that it is over. Otherwise time just goes by, and time doesn't do much, it's what you do in that time that matters.
Re: separated and talking? inebr: You're right, bob, I have to make some decisions here. Maybe I'm not ready. The hurt of letting go is still outweighing the pain of holding on to it. Thanks RGM, I needed to hear that about the saftey net idea. I realize that's what's going on for us ...he is moving out completely. Last evening he came to pick some things up and questioned me about what I thought about his ideas for either buying a house or renting an apt (he said that we still had a link between us since we were still married). I'll figure out what's best for me here, it takes me maybe longer than most.
Re: separated and talking? inebr: Did anyone out there experience ambiguity from their stbx before, after and/or during separation? I don't really understnad the idea behind this and is my stbx doing this consciously? He seems to want to keep a connection between the two of us, but if there were REALLY the case, if that was what he REALLY wanted, wouldn’t he have NOT moved out and stuck around?
I can see that this is about control on some level. He’s trying to control the relationship. But why does he choose to leave when he can stay? The mixed signals make me really confused because I’m hearing two different things. And I know to some degree they are both true! On one hand he is telling me he WANTS the relationship but then why isn’t he around? I really want to listen to the signal that he WANTS the relationship.
Re: separated and talking? atd74: inebr,
I had the exact same issue of ambiguity you talk about. My ex said he wanted things to work. He would beg and plead but do nothing about it. All he did the whole time was give me mixed signals and all it did was confuse me even more until I felt had no choice but to end it myself.
It's almost as if he wanted ME to be the "bad guy" and initiate the divorce - like it was a game or contest. He was contradicting himself all of the time. He would profess his love for me and say he would try but he just ended up treating me like sh** instead and pushing me so far over the edge that I had no other alternative but to divorce him. I tried everything and kept going because of his supposed devotion. I kept believing in his b.s.
With people like my ex and your s2bx I think they want no responsibility for anything. They want us to handle the details and take charge so they, to them in their delusions of grandeur, cannot be held accountable for anything.
Re: separated and talking? grober: Lots of people who leave relationships are ambigious about it. My X certainly was. While she was unreceptive to my attempts to work things out, she did do things that gave me a false sense of hope.
During the divorce she wanted to hang out, have dinner, etc. The whole time she was living with TOM. Every time I saw her she would give me a big long hug (and would pout when I didn't return it). Everyone told me she wanted the best of both worlds. I don't think she did all of it intentionally. I think she was confused about a lot of stuff and as a result she would jerk me around. AFRAID = call me, CONFUSED = visit me, GUILT = ask me to dinner. It was very confusing and heart breaking.
I think all people who leave don't necessarily have their sh!t together. Some are just as confused as those who are left. It doesn't make it OK. In fact, if he was serious and just left with no futher contact, you could heal much faster.
Limiting contact with him, while it is the best thing for you, is really hard to do when you're wanting a reconciliation. Limbo is the worst place to be.
:-/
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