Bad day...blah.... dominowin: So it's rainy and gloomy here in NYC today, and of course I am sitting in my home office trying to work with very little success. It just occurred to me this very moment that today is exactly nine months since I left my s2bx. And it's scary to feel all the anger I still feel towards him. For how he swore he loved me but withheld physical intimacy. How he said I was his soulmate but he was so selfish and manipulative and took me for granted. Yes, if I am angry at him then I have to be angry at myself, too, which takes me off in all sorts of uncomfortable directions.
Plus: Not to be blatantly gross, but I had a one-night stand a few days ago with a guy...thought it would make me feel good to be told I was sexy and pretty and desirable...thought it would be great to get laid...and it was, in the moment. But now even a total NSA encounter makes me feel bad -- I knew it was a one-night stand but it stings that he hasn't contacted me. Blech.
I feel like I'm in a Catch-22 -- I know I'm not ready for a relationship but I'm not handling casual dating that well, either. I don't miss my s2bx or regret leaving but my anger towards him is permeating my life.
Yes, I'm in therapy again...I hope it'll help. I know so much has gotten better I guess I just denied the fact that there is so much farther to go...
:(
Re:Bad day...blah.... ostia: At least the sun is supposed to come out later today, and the weekend will be sunny and 60 degrees, apparently....
And I know what you mean about not being about to concentrate. I feel like my productivity at work has suffered drastically since my STBX left at the beginning of the summer...fortunately, things weren't very busy for a while, but now they are picking up, and although I'm doing so much better these days I'm still really prreoccupied. It must be that much worse for you since you're self-employed... :(
I have certain days where I feel crappy because it seems that NOTHING in my life is going the way I want it to...I feel frustrated by my job, my personal life is completely chaotic, and I don't even like my apartment very much (other New Yorkers will understand how important this is!). Ugh. I know that all these things can and will change eventually, but it seems so daunting it deal with it all.
And as far the dating/relationship thing goes, I've developed a new, very simple plan: if it makes me feel happy and comfortable, I'll do it; if it causes trauma or stress, I won't. It sounds overly simplistic, but it actually seems to help...I feel like I've been in much better touch with how things effect me emotionally these days, which is good.
I don't know if any of that helps at all, but I just though I'd express some sympathy/empathy....
Re:Bad day...blah.... JDorn: That sounds just the opposite of how it is here in Omaha, its 65 today and was yesterday as well, but by Sunday we are supposed to have white out snow conditions and about 25 degrees. Just my idea of fun, if i'm depressed when its nice out what's gonna happen when it gets crappy :o
Re:Bad day...blah.... Safetykc: There is for all of us Marjie....It's the rollercoaster we would all like to get off and just can't yet...but we will someday...
And on that day we will ride the Ferris Wheel...Round and round without all these UP, Down, Up, Downs....
Maybe kinda boring...but I can handle that for a little while at this point... :P
Wanting to date or feeling like you do, but still not being over the STBX is understandable...
Don't say it was "gross" you had a one night stand. There is nothing gross with it...It just sounds like you weren't ready for something like that at this stage. I am glad you are in Therapy...It and OJAR have helped me immensely...Good luck girl and we are all here rooting you on.
Take care,
Safety
