Re: She still loves me but just needs here space? Samarra: My point exactly....stereotypes and jumping to conclusions is dangerous.
Trust her for now...but keep your eyes and ears open. Good Luck.
Re: She still loves me but just needs here space? flamingo13: STDs and unwanted pregnancy are also dangerous.
But, it is better to err on the side of caution. I wouldn't leave too many loose ends to wonder about though.
BTW: When my wife wants to go out and drink, I drive. If I am not with her (rarely) she calls me... no matter how far away to come pick her up.
Re: She still loves me but just needs here space? Older Guy: The voice of reason. Well said Whiskey Girl !
Bob
[quote author=WhiskeyGirl link=topic=15037.msg126258#msg126258 date=1121320351">
Woah you guys!! Geez, lets get a little more info before freaking this poor guy out! First off, the shaving thing....did she ask you if you would like it before she did it? If so she probebly did do it just for you, and it seems you are enjoying it....what the heck is wrong with a wife doing something to spice things up a bit? And as far as her spending the night out...my god! She called you and told you where she would be, she didnt want to drive drunk, thats a good thing. Its only happened once! I didnt go out with me girlfriends alot when I was married mabey once every few months to really have a girls night out but I'm pretty sure I never made it home any of those times. My husband knew where I was staying he pretty much insisted on my staying in town so I wouldnt drive drunk....mind you I live about 40 minutes from town but whatever.....While I was married I shaved, I went to the gym, I did all that and it WAS for my husband! I also stayed out occasionally and never once thought of cheating. The only thing that worries me a bit is the fact that she sometimes says she feels smothered...thats not good but it also doesnt neccessarily mean she's cheating. Is it possible that your having a hard time adjusting to the "new" her the one who wants to have a life outside the relationship and mabey you are acting a bit insecure about it? She would feel that and that would cause her to feel smothered especially if she is not used to you acting this way. How often does she go out....is it once a week or so or every night? I mean if she is spending every bit of free time away from you its not good but if she is just going out once in a while let her be. You say she invites you to come out with her....do it! I dont think she would invite you out if she was having an affair now would she? I may be way off here but I think you should stop worrying....it may be just making matters worse, if she feels you dont trust her its going to drive a wedge between you. This is an excellent site full of supportive people but do remember that alot of us have been cheated on and may be a bit quick to jump the gun on the cheating thing. I hope it all works out for you!
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Re: She still loves me but just needs here space? Slash: WhiskeyGirl, thank you. I knew that it was going to be a tough crowd here. In fact while reading some of the posts I really started to get anxious but I think your comments hit home the most for me. The reality is that I've always been a loving husband but have never been excessively affectionate. I enjoy the simple things like brushing against her when we pass each other and that's always been received and still is being received. If I push my cloud of suspicion far enough to the side I see that she really hasn't changed that much but I have. Even though I think she looks great she's been wanting to lose a few pounds for a while now. The scale has been her nemesis for a while and she just hasn't been losing much by just watching her diet. She was a gym member a long time ago and maybe the more realistic view is that she finally is doing it. As for the shaving, she was never been much for grooming but before our vacation this year she trimmed it up for the beach and I did comment on how nice it looked and may have mentioned shaving it all off at that time but I'm not sure. It's not something that she just did and was something I noticed. It's something she did and we have talked about affectionately. At the risk of being banned I think it's necessary to say that she knows how much I enjoy that area and she commented that would all me to have more fun there. The other item I kind of skipped over is our 2 kids. Currently, they are 5 and 2. It's summer time now, schools out and both are home with her all day. Before school let out she said it was going to be tough. Our 5 year old has his moments but our 2 year old is so difficult that at times we jokingly say that if he had come first we would have only had one. Mind you, we love them both dearly. Lately, I have been more affectionate than I traditionally have been. This may be a result of being suspicious or maybe just the fact that our lives have become so busy as of late and I just miss her. Our sex frequency hasn't changed other than me wanting it more and it's rare that she isn't up for it if I suggest it. The other night she went out and came home, woke me up and the sheets flew. My experience with her has taught me that it would be highly unlikely that she would have done this if she was having an affair. As for her frequency of going out, she used to go out periodically with a girlfriend to see her husbands band play. That probably never amounted to much more than once a month or so but at times was more frequent. That never bothered me and I would go when I could. Over the past couple of weeks she has been going out both Friday and Saturday night. Some of this new activity is just based on us finding some new mutual friends that have similar time and interests. This Friday we are going out as a couple and it sounds as if Saturday she will be going out with my friends wife which I'm completely comfortable with. Next weekend we already have plans to go out together Friday night and on Saturday she will be going with friends to a concert. I had the option to go with her on Saturday too but due to the costs and the fact that it was early in the day and would take time away from my kids I decided it would be best for me to pass on that one.
I'm not going to ignore the signs but I know this also could be just like diagnosing an illness. You can have symptions and not have the illness. In some ways I fear I'm projecting my distrust of one of my wife's friends who's going through a divorce now onto her which I know isn't right. I do plan on trusting my wife because I really don't have any reason not to other than some atypical behaviour. I want her to have the time she needs to do the things she enjoys. I know that I can't force her not to do something. It didn't work on me and I know it wouldn't work on her. I'm going to try and express how I feel but not over do it. My struggle right now is just quieting my fears so that I don't become overbearing or controlling and project. Perhaps I'm hoping for the best but I know that's better than fearing the worst.
Re: She still loves me but just needs here space? Lome: Ok....I have given this advice before....and am trying to live it too....somehow it has come unconnected..
Dude, have an affair with your wife.....she is unhappy right now...and the thought proceeds the deed. She may be innocent. I NEVER knew my husband was having a fling. But, there are just too questions coming up. Your wife wants to go out drinking.....Hire a babysiter. Your wife wants to listen to music.....then go someplace new to the both of you...new sound and location
Go back to what did you do when you first started dating....! what do you do now that is for the both of you only....I once had a conversation that I said we go out to eat and to the movies alot....I was told...he has to eat...and movies/tv are passive....it is really like 2 strangers just hanging out at the theater....
You are starting to seperate and unless something is done....you will move so far apart that it will be over.
What would you do if you found out that she was having an affair? Is it the trust or the sex that would get you mad the most?
Are you a fight for your own or go f#ck her type of guy?
when you saw your therapist, did you learn strategies or just talked? You may want to consider more counselling .
I found this on MSN an am posting it all over the place....it may help.
Fall in love all over again. Make a conscious decision to be in love. The more you act as if you are in love, the more you will feel like you are.
2. Remember the good times. Treat your partner like you did at the beginning of your relationship. Make a list of all the things you used to enjoy doing together and add any new fantasies to the list. Plan for them and make them happen.
3. Help your partner feel more loved and secure in your love so that he or she can open up to you and express feelings and ideas without fear of being attacked or judged. Compliment, praise, give a hug. Small gestures make the grandest statements.
4. Don't make unilateral decisions. You're a team in many ways, so act like one. Check in and make decisions together about things large and small. Be willing to compromise.
5. Be present. Train your mind to stay in the moment -- not at work, thinking about the new color you want to paint your kitchen, or how it's time to take the dog to the vet.
6. Pay attention to your physical appearance. Take the time to stay in shape and look good for each other. It does matter.
7. Boost your compatibility. Couples in crisis focus on all the ways they are different, whereas those who are in love zero in on their similarities and think their differences are cute. Build compatibility by taking turns planning activities to do together. If you don't like your partner's choice, don't complain; it's your turn next.
8. Do not place blame. Replace blame and criticism with solutions and tenderness. Problem-solve together -- sit close, hold hands, touch each other's face or hair. Be playful. When was the last time you laughed together? Rent a comedy movie to tickle your funny bone.
9. Plan for sex. Spontaneity is great but smart couples know that good sex doesn't just happen. Like everything else, it takes time and planning.
10. Fact-find -- don't mind-read. You may think you know but you can't assume. You may believe he should know, but that's not fair, either. Always clear up misinterpretations and misunderstandings to make sure they don't throw you both off course.
11. Fight fair -- and by appointment only. Schedule a limited time to discuss a problem and confine your comments to that issue only. It's easier to relax and feel free to enjoy each other when you know you won't be ambushed by a litany of complaints and criticisms.
12. Prepare for checkouts. Even in the closest marriage, everyone needs time alone. Don't take it personally and don't make each other feel guilty if you need to spiritually and emotionally regroup. Just be sure to tell each other when you are checking out (max, one day) -- and when you're checking back in.
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