Re:Bigger Mistake than my marriage inebr: I'm sorry this is all coming down the pipeline at once. When it rains, it pours, I suppose.
[quote author=18Months link=board=6;threadid=1504;start=0#msg14346 date=1072022020">
All I know is last night I was hurting so badly for somebody to care about me. I thought I was past all of this stuff. I know I'm not healed yet. I hate not calling her. I could but it feels like a weak fix...I've got to tough it out. [/quote">
It sounds like you have a good idea of what is going on inside of you. When a relationship ends, such as the marriage, it's a very common feeling to want to fill that void, sometimes it feels incredibly desperate, I know. And from what you have posted, it sounds like you're trying to do just that. And it just doesn't work and in our efforts to make ourselves feel better things can become more complicated, adding to the pile of stuff that needs to be worked through.
IMO the best thing for you to do right now is to STOP. BREATHE. And know it's going to be ok. Look for a good therapist, it can make a huge difference, it has for me. I don't want to sound like a know-it-all, but it really sounds like the relationships with the women are in large part efforts by you to fill a void, a need to have someone who will love you. But you know what? It's true, what they say, "we have to love ourselves first". This is hard to really internalize, makes sense on the surface but to really feel it is a process, it was for me, I'm 32 and am learning this now. I understand how it truly begins with me.
Try to take one step today towards loving yourself, being with you, taking good care of you today. Be with yourself today and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're feeling. Instead of reaching out for love, reach in because it's there. Geesh, I wish I had the magic answer to all of this. It's a rollercoaster that I have found to even out somewhat over time. Take care.
Re:Bigger Mistake than my marriage 18Months: Thanks...I know the love is supposed to come from within. Just like I knew I was filling a void with the married woman and then another void with the other girl. I can't truly remember more than a month or two by myself since I was sixteen. One female friend in college asked me if I was afraid to be alone because I always had a woman...from somewhere...somehow. I almost called a third woman today but why? I didn't.
I do think I'm trying to fill the void from the married woman. She was such a close friend...that is the hardest part of all. I think I tried to transfer my feelings from her to the second woman...not possible. I can add water, stir, and the poof...instant love. It doesn't work that way. Its funny because I can be with somebody and still feel all alone. That has been the majority of my life. Even my wife...which ultimately lead to my divorce. The only time I've ever felt at peace was while the married woman was in my life. Friend or more...i can't explain it. I know it was wrong...but she lied to me to get us there...but it doesn't change the pain.
Then the second woman's decision...so much emotion around that. How can she say she wants to build a future...but excuse me while I chose not to keep the child? I don't understand that. I feel a wall of hurt going up. I'm leaving for 3 weeks too. So I wont see either of them or a counseling. But there is a 4th and 5th woman at home...do you see a pattern? Wherever I go...there has to be somebody...i feel like I've gone to a lot of meaningless people to pass the time instead of having the courage to be alone. Even if that means not finding that one meaningful person. I don't believe that person is out there for me anymore. I did...but this last 6 weeks destroyed the hope that remained out of my marriage. I don't know what next but 3 weeks from now, I hope to be over these two things. At least to a point where I am happy to get up in the morning again. Right now, i just wonder what pain is coming next. Sigh, it has been a tough 3 years since I moved her...one thing after the other...and everything ends at the holidays...3 years in a row. Wow. :o
Re:Bigger Mistake than my marriage nettie: Oh, honey. Slow down! I had a similar situation. After my first divorce, I dated WAY too soon, and never dealt with the pain of that split. I was involved with someone who wasn't honest about his marital status. It almost completely destroyed my spirit, and instead of slowing down and feeling the hurt and working through it, I partied, dated too much ("dating" being a very polite way of putting it...). I ended up pregnant in a foreign country, and I married someone I didn't feel entirely comfortable with, because I wanted someone to believe in, and wanted a family for my daughter.
It didn't make the old hurts go away, and divorce #2 was just finalized. When we split up, I spent the first 2 weeks crying over Ex #1, which totally blind-sided me. I had never admitted how much that divorce hurt me. It hurts like hell right now, but you have to let yourself feel it and go through it. I have caught myself contacting old "f*** buddies" for an ego boost, and realizing how sad and empty that is, and realizing it doesn't heal the past hurt caused by someone else.
It doesn't sound like much of a pep talk, I know, but just know that there are people who feel the same way you're feeling right now, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There's just no shortcut out of the tunnel, and you have to take care of yourself and not expect anyone else to heal your hurts. We are here to help you endure it, though, as much as possible. I've cried enough tears in the last 2 years to last a good long while, but I am hoping that once they dry, I'll be a much happier, more emotionally grounded person. I hope you will be, too.
Re:Bigger Mistake than my marriage 18Months: Thanks Nettie, at least I don't feel like I am the only person who is a bit lost at times. I feel like I should disappear for a while so that I can think straight. Strangely, I don' t hurt at all right now. I want to cry, scream, or do something to let energy out but I don't feel...anything. I haven't in a few days...maybe shock or something. I'm not happy or sad, just on cruise control.
Yesterday, the married woman tried to contact me, my ex did, plus the second woman spent the day with me. Too confusing. My ex hasn't contacted me in years but that was okay. I'm sending her daughter to Disney World for Xmas and she said thank you. Unexpected but nice. The married woman...just fishing in my mind...to see if the door was still open...no response from me yet. The second woman....I don't know what that is all about. I stil say if we are going to have a future, why not keep the child?
As for me, I've got to believe I'm unhappy on some level...well quite a bit. Mainly because not much makes me happy these days. Not sports, friends, games, or any particular woman. Even the married woman...because I know it can't be...so what's the point. I hope I can find the happiness within myself soon. But tomorrow...starts the ending of the fourth and fifth. I think it is time to clean house and be alone for a bit again. Even though I feel old and like I'm wasting what little time I have left. :-[
Re:Bigger Mistake than my marriage nettie: Well, 18Months, if you need to disappear for a while, disappear for a while. The people who care about you will understand. Nothing anyone says makes you feel better, probably. Light banter to keep your mind off it doesn't keep your mind off it, and takes so much energy it's exhausting. Talking about what's on your mind all the time hurts, and some of it is private, and listening to people tell you what to do is hurtful, even when it's not intended that way.
I went through a serious "hiding out" phase myself. I needed it, and it helped a lot. No advice anyone gives you is going to have 100% of the facts and feelings you have swirling around your head right now but you. Take the time to sort them out, even if it means pushing people away temporarily. The people who genuinely care about you will understand, and be waiting for you on the other side. I'm slowly getting to a point where I want to socialize more and more than I did several months ago, but it didn't happen overnight. Sometimes I still need to withdraw, but I listen to the voice that tells me what I need. It's important.
My thoughts are with you.
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