Married 9 Months... Ready to leave.. Update breeze: Thanks for all the replies and PMs to my previous thread:
http://www.ojar.com/boards/index.php?topic=14403.15
(Im not sure if I should keep posting to that one, or start a new one... Let me know teh proper etiquitte)
A quick update. After our couple talks with her mostly crying and asking what's wrong, things got "better" for a few days. During this time I also "tried", addressing her issues of feeling alone, and unloved. Things seemed to improve, although it was a relatively stress free time, and this has happened beofre many times. In fact, looking back, this seems rather cyclical - even when we were dating. A good week, a couple bad weeks, a horrible week, a good week.... etc.
Anyway, as expected everything has gone back to the way it was. I've made an attempt to point out the things that are bothering me, but instead of being concerned as she was for a few days, shes back to invalidating my feelings and treating me like before. And thus I have too regressed, and internalized/repressed a bunch more resentment. Whatever feelings I was trying to "rediscover" have again been beaten down. I just cant take it.
My wife is a "perfectionist" - in the psychological/pathological sense. Oh, I dont mean shes just a neatnick, if you know nothing about perfectionism as a personality disorder, look it up. Sadly, she has all the classic problems, and likely the classic reasons for having this problem. Back when we were just dating we even talked about it and she even tried dealing with some of it, but that all ended in pretty much a "this is the way I am, and IM not changing" statement. Thats one of the problems with a perfectionist - they are so afraid of themselves being IMperfect that to even begin to heal means admitting the whole problem and their whole world begins to crumble - or so Im told.
Anyway, Im contemplating leaving. At least temproraily, possibly permanenetly. Yes, Im sure Ill catch some flak for this - since the majority here have been the leav-ees not the leav-ers, but most of you were pretty understanding in my first post. I really look for advice as to how to handle this.
We have three kids - all hers by prior marriage. Ranging from 5-12. We just bought a new house, requiring an across-town move to a new area. The kids seem to have adapted pretty well and really like the new area. They start new schools (same district, different physical schools) in the fall. None of the three have any contact with their biological dad - completely and totally out of the picture. She has been a totally single mom since before the birth of the youngest. (And the other two had only VERY limited contact before as things were always rocky with seperations etc being the norm)
I have a place to go if I need to. I own an apartment house in a nearby town with space available. I just dont really know how to approach it, and how to handle it with the kids, or how to handle myself once/if I do leave. How has anyone on here handled things? What would I expect? What do I take? I know in my state I have rights to whatever I had prior to marriage, whcih is pretty much all Id want anyway... Im mostly concerned about how to help the kids deal with it, and what they will all think of me, and the situation. I dont suspect she'd have the money to stay in that house long term, although I would be more than willing to help keep them in it short term.
I feel like a total failure, but I really am just at the end of my rope. Our personalities clash on virtually every level. We disagree on many basic things. I cannot compromise any more than I have. Ive gone from single-guy, living alone, to family man and changed nearly everything - I cant do any more. I take off my shoes, I pick up my clothes and put them away. I dont take food out of the kitchen. I put the towels away in color order, folder just so. I help with laundry, groceries, cooking. I do the "man stuff". But as I have now realized there is no way she would ever be totally pleased anyway - the definition of "perfect" just keeps changing.
Im sorry, Im rambling again... But please dont let that stop anyone from replying...
Thanks-
Re: Married 9 Months... Ready to leave.. Update mydarkdreams: Wow.. what a tough place for you to be in. I remember your last post and I really feel for you - and even though I am a leave-ee as you put it, I still understand your points, and reasons for wanting to leave. Maybe a trial seperation could be good. It may turn permanent, who knows it may not, but obviously things aren't getting worked out.
As for the kids; ideally what do YOU want. Do you still want to see them? *personally* if I were in a situation with a husband/boyfriend long term and that person had bonded with my kids - and we split, if he was good to them and they loved him I certainly wouldn't stop them from seeing said guy. But there are others who use the kids as leverage, which is just sad IMO.
Best of luck to you, whatever you do.
Re: Married 9 Months... Ready to leave.. Update mozart101: Very sorry to hear your situation. If your wife won't change/get help there is really nothing else you can do. I would recommend talking to a lawyer to get the information you need regarding your state's laws on divorce and what the impact would be. If you can sit down and have a reasonable conversation with your wife and plan how to handle to the divorce that would be best. If not than I would recommend doing a lot of pre planning yourself. The worst thing you could do is simply file for divorce blindly and see what happens. While divorce is a hard process the amount of pre planning you do will have a great impact on how smoothly it goes. Make sure you check on insurance, programs that you or her might qualify for after the divorce, taxes, support, schooling, seperating joint accounts/loans/titles, finacial outlook for the next 12 months, anything else you can think of financially and also look at visitation and emotional support. Divorce is not a bad thing - it's how it is handled that makes it so bad. To many people are vindictive and think with emotions and the here and now rather than the long term picture. And of course some people cheat or are just plain bad and make others around them suffer. Hopefully yours will be smooth and don't let her emotions or outbursts send you into making emotional decisions or rash remarks.
Also I think you are doing right to try and get help - perhaps she has a good friend who could help persuade her to get some counselling. Amazingly friends or relatives can have a lot more sway on a person than a spouse (perhaps because people tend to take spouses for granted and actually listen to friends). Do what you think is best and try to keep the kids world as stable as possible.
Best of luck!
Re: Married 9 Months... Ready to leave.. Update toughgirl1029: I was in a similar situation...no matter what I did, I couldn't please my STBX. I made the decision to walk out...I had 3 kids of my own, he had 2 kids of his own. I talked to the step-kids, told them what was happening. and assured them that I loved their dad and this had nothing to do with them. I told them I'd be there for them and to call me anytime. The kids were old enough to understand (11 & 14) and they made the decision to not speak to me anymore. (They had outside forces pushing them on that issue!).
You need to do what you feel is best for you. I don't know if counseling would be an option--by the way you describe her--I doubt she'd admit to a problem and would be willing to do anything about it.
I think that since you have a place to go if necessary, seriously consider a trial seperation. See what happens. It may be what is needed...it would give you both time to think things thru and make a decision as to whether you want to save your marriage or just end it now.
Hang in there-I know it's a very difficult decision!
