me. alone. depressed. ok with that? whatnext: Well right now I'm going through a bit of slump guys. I'm feeling downright low...
Here is what I know: I like myself. I deserve and want to be happy.
I'm feeling so depressed though... I must say, I would really like to get laid quite badly. I swear to god if I posted my photo (which I will not), you would definitely think I'm average at worst and probably much better. I dress well and have a good job, smile a lot... in great shape (swimmers have the best builds, ya know) and I can say without any boast that women check me out daily. It actually is a drag because of my emotional hang-ups... a reminder...
I married so young... too too young... I didn't date much before I met my stbx, and frankly she was my one and only... plus I was sexually molested as a child, and I think I married to feel safe, partly. funny, eh? how unsafe it really was...
And to boot, I'm just not ready... just not. I can meet women left and right but I just can't make myself take it further than conversation. and even that is difficult (I can converse all day, but when you are depressed, who wants to be around you?).
Oh yeah, and I'm quitting pot, which is really throwing me for a loop... and my children are out of town for 2 weeks (I have joint) so I'm alone alone alone.
Last night I woke up at 4:00 after a nightmare I had. My stbx was living with an a##hole in my childhood home. I paniced because in the dream my children were there. I didn't care about the ex, but the thought of my children living dangerously was enough to keep me awake and to make me even consider going back to the ex (for them alone). effed up...
I guess this might be a vent, I don't know... it's my story. Thanks for reading. Now I'll go swim and then go home and draw, at least I can do that, and give myself something to enjoy. I feel like crying all day...
Re: me. alone. depressed. ok with that? gulfcoast: man, just try to do your best to keep your head up....
you are going through a rough time to say the least...
swim and draw and whatever gives you sanity...
Re: me. alone. depressed. ok with that? AfterMath: whatnext,
gulfcoast said it right. I'll just add that the bizzaro nightmares still plague me sometimes too, after a year! ??? Things will get better with time. Make sure you put the kids first!
Re: me. alone. depressed. ok with that? SoccerGirl: I know how you feel. I can't force myself to get involved with anyone either.
This runs so much deeper than we can even understand.
Re: me. alone. depressed. ok with that? Ilosther: Man, the dreams kill dont they. For a while after my wife told me it's basically over, I had no dreams. Now, the past few days, bad dreams. I even dreamt last night about what someone posted yesterday about his wife shaving some private parts, then leading to some paranoia about cheating. I had that dream last night that my wife did the same. Too weird, too scary. Mind plays tricks with you.
But I definitely hear you on the sexual tension part and not knowing if I'd ever be ready to let myself go with another person, or worse, picturing my wife with another person-see, mind is playing tricks.
I joke with my wife that she can always call me up for "booty calls". Hey, that's what friends are for, right? ;D She said she'll keep that in mind, laughingly.
My only hope is that once I get my gym membership, I can relieve some sexual tension by putting it into pain through working out. Of course, then I hope there aren't a lot of beautiful women working out there too, cuz that will be counterproductive if you know what I mean.
Hang in there, my wife too was my one and only in all aspects of it.
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