What did YOU do wrong? justmenow: Just curious. Marriage is a 2-way street and no one is perfect in a marriage or a relationship. I see a lot about what was wrong with our exes out here (and rightfully so, they're a shady lot), but I'm curious as to what you think you might have done wrong to contribute to things in the marriage?
To be fair, I'll start:
1. I could have been more attentive to my X and listened more. He was just so BORING and would tell these stories that would literally last for hours.
2. I could have been more affectionate, but after being rejected over and over again, one gives up trying after a while.
3. I could have been more supportive of his hobbies. They just really bored me. I seriously tried to learn some of them, but he was always so critical of me that after a while I gave up.
4. IMPORTANT: I could have addressed issues when they came up rather then burying them deep inside until they piled up over the years and eventually filled me from head to toe with anger and resentment. Mostly resentment.
5. I could have informed him that I wasn't happy in the marriage a long time before he informed me that he wasn't happy in the marriage. We could have saved ourselves about 13 years of misery.
There's more, but those are the major points. Live and learn.
Re: What did YOU do wrong? getting_rough: I agree it is a 2 way street.
1. My biggest fault was that I did not put my foot down when he started doing drugs.
2. Once depression set in I stoped doing all the wifely duties that I used to do.
3. I started ignoring him because I couldnt stand to be around him when he was high.
4. I became very confrontational. No matter what the situation was I started big fights.
I was definately not a saint in that marriage.
Re: What did YOU do wrong? wowee: Hmmm… what did I do wrong?
1. I didn’t know enough about the real world before I got married. I lived life looking through rose colored glasses & to be honest I liked it – so I made no attempts to see the world ( or my husband ) for what they really are.
2. I didn’t have anywhere NEAR enough experience with men – heck I met my husband in high school, as my experience ( limited as it was ) was only with boys in the first place. Still, I should have dated more before getting married. I was pretty stupid in my thinking back then. I think #1 & #2 together helped me to blind myself to the point I didn’t understand think his cheating was even a possibility. I honesty thought those things were mostly for movies & Jerry Springer guests – not really a part of the real world.
3. I could have been willing to try more things – within reason that is. His idea of a good time & mine were quite different. I suppose in some ways I really did just believe mine were better & I shouldn’t have to try the other things. I just wasn’t comfortable in the same places as he was – bars, clubs... etc so I pretty much just didn’t go & didn’t want him going very much either. I suppose that isn’t fair, if this is what someone likes to do, they should be able to, I just don’t have to be a part of it & thankfully I don’t have to be anymore.
4. In the last years, I know I wasn’t the same in how I looked at him, I know that I was colder because of all the hurt I had already experienced. I know that even though we are suppose to forgive & move on, I didn’t always do that. I was hurt & I continued to be hurt. And everything he did that hurt me again – no matter how small, just brought to the surface all the pain he had caused from the past since I never really forgave him. So when he would do something only slightly wrong – I would be over the top hurt & upset about it. I would say this was mainly the last year or two of the 13 year relationship.
Re: What did YOU do wrong? acidflask: I've been thinking about asking this question for a few weeks. I've thought about it alot over the last few months.
1. I didn't pick fights OFTEN ENOUGH. I'd let him hurt me a little bit then, instead of confronting him about it, I wait to see how far he'd bury himself. How far would he take this if I let him? Then, I get hurt that much more, and it'd take that much longer for me to heal.
2. I let things get to the point that we were "going through the motions" of a happy marriage because I was unhappy (usually as a result of #1). His mood would feed off of mine and he'd get bored with "the motions." That's when he'd start looking for attention elsewhere.
3. Silly as it sounds, I strong believe finances were a major role in our marriage falling apart. Even his affairs can be linked back to financial hardship and our mood towards each other because of these financial problems. It's not that we were greedy, but we both expected a certain standard of living from our money. When things went bad financially, I'd blame him (the spender of the family) for our problems, but then I'd never do anything to help. I'd talk about helping him with the responsibility of paying the bills. I'd want to help him work thimgs out, but my follow through was seriously lacking. He'd be too proud to ask for help, and I was too ignorant to find out we were even in trouble until it was too late. Then he'd feel guilty or neglected and I'd feel anger and worry. If you add it all up, we probably spent a third of our marriage in this state of various degrees of hurt.
4. I'M BORING. No, not all the time, but I don't deny I have my moments. I go in phases. Sometimes I'm up for anything and I don't even care what. Other times, I DO just want to come home from work, relax, and go to bed. Honestly, I think I'm kind of normal in this respect. He needed excitement, attention, and entertainment 24/7 and I just couldn't do that for him. I can only imagine if we'd had children. What a nightmare that would have been. He would have had to share what attention I gave with someone else!!
5. I let him manipulate me. (Again not enough fight. Back to #1) I'd do anything for him. He'd have consumed every moment of my time if we hadn't had slightly different work schedules. That was exactly how he wanted it, and I eventually came to resent it. Then when I fell into a role that was more like his mother than his lover, I felt he'd manipulated me into that as well. Who knows? Maybe that was my very own defect brought out by the dramatic events of his design. I just know, I'm never going to bend my will like that again. I will not let a person mold me into what they want. When I get back on my feet, it's going to be a here I am, take it or leave it situation.
Re: What did YOU do wrong? izult: I didn't pay attention to the fact that he was severly depressed.
I became so wrapped up in being the bread winner, buying my home, and encouraging him to find a job that i just didn't see where he was at emotionally.
still doesn't justify his cheating.
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