Feeling selfish SunnyFlower: I am going to rant a bit...not because I am mad....just because I have all these thoughts floating around in my head right now and they NEED to get out....I feel selfish because I was the leave "er" in my situation and sometimes feel like I don't deserve support because my stbx wasn't abusive or a drunk...he was responsible and went to work everyday and was a good husband and father.....so I should have been happy, I guess, right?? Maybe, maybe not...i don't know. He was all I ever knew....I met him when I was still in high school...he is almost 7 years older than me. I was living in an abusive environment at the time....my fatehr was an abusive alcoholic and took almost ALL of his aggressions out on me...I would fight back, but I am a tiny little thing and never won...this went on for years and years and I HAD to get out. I truly loved my husband, but know now that it was a youthful infatuation...I stayed with him for 10 years, nmarried 7, and we had one child. I kept thinking it was all in my head...I was unhappy in the marriage after the first year...i never talked about it, or told anyone. I thought they would think I was crazy...my husband loved me and was good to me...."It will get better when I am done school.....It will get better after we buy a house...It will get better after we have a baby..." I kept telling myself, keeping it all inside.
One day I couldn't take it anymore...I was so confused and lost...I felt like I missed out (see?? SELFISH AGAIN....)...I wanted a break...i told him i needed some time...that I loved him but wanted to sort things out in my head...we went to counseling a few times, but he was pressuring me....I HAD to give him an answer....STAY or LEAVE...NOW. i didn't know what to do...i knew I was unhappy for a long time, so if I was to be backed up into a wall like that, i thought the logical thing to do at the time was to go...so, I left.....(cont.)
Re:Feeling selfish SunnyFlower: He went nuts......kidnapped my son and got restraining orders against me throguh false allegations that i was abusive....he snapped and hasn't been the same since then. We have been seperated for a year. A few months after we split, I came to him on my knees and asked him to talk to me since we had next to no communication for the entire time we were apart....all he could do was tell me that i was sh*t, that i was a horrible mother, etc, etc....every bad thing you can imagine that would cut into your heart. I guess I deserved it for hurting a good man. I just wanted to think....he filed for the divorce. It's been a year.
He has changed alot and so have I. He went from wanting full custody to barely seeing his son...he doesn't even want to see him on Thanksgiving. he moved an hour away from us.....he has so much bitterness and resentment towards me still. I have let it go...i don't want to be with the person he is now and have made peace with that...i have made peace with myself, knowing that I did what i thoguht was the best thing to do with the knowledge I had at the time. It just still hurts so bad sometimes because i still care about what he thinks about me and he cuts me down every chance he gets...i don't know what i want to say anymore....this isn't making any more sense....
Thaks for listening.
Re:Feeling selfish inebr: Hey SF,
I just wanted to send you some encouragement, to tell you to keep moving ahead. Life is full of decisions and sometimes we make bad ones, sometimes good ones, sometimes bad ones that turn out good in the end ...I guess what I'm saying is, just like you said, you did what you did with the information you had at the time....
I have to tell you, sometimes I think about my stbx, also the leaver, and I think about him down the road. I think there will be a time that he too feels a lot of pain and remorse for his decision to leave the relationship. And ya know, deep down, I don't want him to ruin his life over it. Yes, it makes me happy to know that he feels sad and pain, but ultimately I want him to live his life and move on. Because I know I will have. And sometimes I even think, if we meet up someday way down the road from now maybe I will see something different in his eyes ....not that will change anything about where either of us are in our lives at that point in time, it sure would be nice to see it.
Re:Feeling selfish Safetykc: :'(
Oh Sunny, I am sooo sorry. Thank you for sharing with us. It is a big step and everyone here WILL be nice, even if you are the one who left the situation. Divorce and it's reasons are never easy and all of us...leftee's and leaver's deserve support and consideration.
I know we have talked before about your situation, but I want to say again it always amazes me how you remain so positive and energetic even in the face of adversity.
It's okay to hurt honey....we all do and share in the pain and try to offer comfort where we can.
I know it hurts you that he won't spend time with his son...I hope he wakes up and realizes whatever his feelings are towards you that this is his son who did nothing wrong and deserves all the love and support he can get. My parent's were divorced when I was at a young age and my mother remarried. My father became distant when I was young and regretted it very deeply that we did not have a close relationship when I was an adult. He passed away a year ago and when I was at his funeral the rabbi said one of the final joys he had in life was that his relationship with me was starting to be rebuilt, even though it was at the very end of his life.... :'( Time is fleeting and runs past us when we aren't even looking...
As my signature quote says, "Life is what happens while we're busy making other plans." and so does death....
I hope your Ex-husband realizes this before it is too late...
All you can do Sunny is talk to him about this and hope he realizes it. You can't change him or make him do anything. He is a grown man and has to live with his choices as do we all. All you can do is love that little boy double to make up for it...
Take care SunFlower....
Big Hugs from Kansas City....
Safety
Re:Feeling selfish SunnyFlower: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME TODAY?? :'(
Thanks, guys.....there are many days where I feel so rotten because i hurt a man that loved me a lot...but I didn't do it vindictively or on purpose. It's a shame that he was caught up in the situation and that we wound up where we are today......
It's easy to get down on myself many days...but I really have to rememebr to stop and think about who I TRULY am as a person.....I have a big heart and I am a good person who just happened to make some wrong decisions....not that leaving him was wrong...or maybe it was?? Maybe it marrying to begin with that was wrong?? I guess it's all how you look at it...the important thing is to rememebr that we all do out best and go from there...there are consequences to every action....everything happens for a reason....in the grand scheme of things we are all exactly where we should be...it's not knowing WHY we are here that is so frustrating and hurts so much.....
Anyone have any idea on how to get these voices in my head to SHUT UP?? It's amazing how you can go from being so up, up, up to CRASHING down all in a day or two....I just can't wait to get my feet on solid ground....to have the dust settle.....to calm the voices.....maybe I will go take a bubble bath. ;D
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