Re:Feeling selfish considering: Sunny -- I'm having many of the same feelings you are. My H is great, really. He's handsome, sweet, kind, good to me, etc. And yet, something just hasn't been working for me for a few years.
I told my therapist about how I feel so guilty sometimes because I think about divorcing him (we're currently separated) and she says you can't beat yourself up over it. You want what you want. She said she's going to write a book someday called "He's great. I just don't want him." because of how many times she's heard these same words from women.
Re:Feeling selfish lostinspace: Sunny and Considering I know these down days can be hard. At least you feel. At least you care enough to be confronted with your feelings. Take hope in that. There are some out there that are so numb that they can't feel the pain they inflicted. There is no easy way around the pain but we are here to hold your hand through it. You give me hope in people ability to feel. I use music a great deal to calm my spirits and refocus my mind. It helps with the voices.
Re:Feeling selfish justmenow: Sunny, I don't know if this will help, but ....
I was in my church support group a couple of weeks ago. The leader of the group is a man who divorced his wife after 25 years of marriage. He said the last 10 years of it were dead and he was waiting for the "it will get better when...." imaginary day too. He said divorcing was so hard, and it was especially hard to be single at the age of fifty. However, two and a half years later he met a woman whom he later married. They have been married for five years now, and let me tell you that you can literally see his face light up when he talks about that woman. The love and respect in his voice is unmistakable. Don't you feel you deserve that from a marriage? Sometimes the love just isn't there. The chemistry isn't there. It is what it is and sometimes it is just not right.
I don't think you're selfish, and I absolutely know that you deserve support just as much as any of the rest of us to. Take care of yourself and someday things may just start to look up for you, ok?
Re:Feeling selfish JDorn: Sunny, i don't know if my words will mean anything or not, but you shouldn't feel bad. I'm currently 26 and have been with my wife for 5 years (3 dating, 2 married) and I'm also giving serious thought to leaving. Not because she has ever wronged me or because I don't think she loves me, but because I think I fell out of love with her a long time ago. I've been struggling for the longest time now with how that makes me feel like a terrible person. I take no pleasure in hurting someone who I know loves me a great deal. But at the same time, in my opinion anyway, love needs to be a two way street. I look at our desires in life and they are so different from one another I don't know believe that we can ever work out compromises on all of them. And while I think I deserve to find the happiness I want in life, I honestly believe that she does too. Perhaps I'm not the man to provide those things.
It has made me feel aweful to look into her face and tell her how I have been feeling, and to tell her that I'm unhappy and to walk out of the house leaving her behind during our separation.
Keep in mind that you aren't alone, alot of the people on this board here have been through situations like that. People make mistakes, all you can do is learn from them an move on. Instead of shunning your mistakes you should embrace them, our collective pasts make each and every one of us who we are in the world today. I've decided that no one is truly good or bad (or very few are). Most people are in the grey area somewhere in between. I know I've made alot of mistakes in my marriage but i don't think that it makes me a terrible person for feeling how I do.
Always keep that in mind.
