Re:Answer me this one.... SunnyFlower: It's not that I feel that I am not over him, it's just that he knows how to push my buttons to get me mad, sad, upset, etc......
I have thought hard and long about the situation I am in now, and I am being as honest with myself as I am with you guys here on Ojar....I don't want to reconcile with the man that my stbx is today. He has proved to me that he is not the man I married or used to love.
Of corse, I still care about him as a person and want good things for him, but as far as a relationship with him is concerned, I know it's over.
Thank you for all of your replies...they are much appreciated!! ;D
Re:Answer me this one.... Safetykc: You hit the nail on the head Sunny. Our STBX's know our buttons so well and we know theirs because we let each other into the "fortress of solitudes" of our souls...
It seems no matter how well the interactions are going, there is still so much hurt down deep about the situation that it bubbles up even uncontrollably, something they say or you say is taken the wrong way and the cycle continues...
Anyway, I really wish you well in your new relationship and try to go into it knowing thyself as well as possible and being open to both the potential for something really good, but also to be hurt again...Thus is life. To be open to one opens you to the possiblity of the other.
But the rewards are worth the risk.
Keep on the Sunny side, always on the sunny side, keep on the sunny side of life...It will brighten up your days...it will help along the way...to keep on the Sunny side of life. ;)
Take care Sunshine...and remember the "Save Me" song...You will be fine...just stay away "From the ranks of the freaks...Who suspect.. they could never love anyone" ;D
Big Hugs from Kansas City
Safety
Re:Answer me this one.... JimB: [quote">
It's not that I feel that I am not over him, it's just that he knows how to push my buttons to get me mad, sad, upset, etc......
[/quote">
Exactly. And until you've reached a point where he is not able to do that anymore, you are still emotionally tied to him. That is different from wanting to get back together with him, but it's still a powerful thing in some ways.
Him being able to push your buttons is about you, not him. Eventually you'll reach a point where you no longer care what he thinks and what he says. It just takes time. At that point, you'll no longer have these kind of concerns about your current relationship. But in the meantime, you're likely to feel at least somewhat uncomfortable in a relationship with anyone other than him.
I certainly think it's honorable that you want to be completely honest with anyone you get involved with. However, don't overstate things. You are in control of your behavior around your stbx, even if you still have feelings towards him. As long as you are not planning on returning to him, your past with him is not something you should be ashamed of. It's just another part of your past. And in the present, you are simply doing what you have to do.
BTW, as far as hurting this new guy goes, pain is inevitable. If he has strong feelings for you, he'll be hurt eventually no matter what. Sometimes we hurt people as a result of poor judgment, and that makes us feel bad. But sometimes we hurt people just as a result of who we are, and that is not our responsibility. If this guy ends up getting hurt, IMO, it's because of who you are, not because of anything you're doing that you might be able to do differently. And not to be callous, but that's his problem, not yours.
Re:Answer me this one.... SunnyFlower: Thanks, Jim B....your words made ALOT of sense to me and you really hit the nail on the head with your comments and put things in perspective for me. ;D
I have to admit, though, I think it will be a while before I am no longer easily upset by the things he says or does to set me off....if I wait until they don't bother me anymore to date, (I think I said earlier)...I will be OLD AND GRAY, LOL!!
So, I suppose for now, I will just have to be honest with myself and with whoever I get involved with and let them decide for themself....
Re:Answer me this one.... notmyself: the best advice i have to offer is to be honest. when i started dating again i really fell for this guy. on our first time getting together we had drinks and i laid it all out. i know some would think that would be inappropiate but this guy i had known for years and had lost touch with while i was married. the second time we got together he seemed distant, i don't know, like he wasn't into being where we were. i had this whole mini-rant in the driveway about how miserable the last few had been and all i needed/wanted was his honesty. that if he didn't want to do something/ see me then just say so, for him not to worry about hurting my geelings. the point of all this is that we are still fating and still keeping this honesty thing going too. i am honest with him about the stbx situation and he is honest with me about.... everything. something that i am not used to at all. when i am having issues with trusting him not because of something he did but because of something stbx did i talk to him. i think it takes a super understanding guy (girl) to stand by a woman (man) going through a divorce and all the goes along with it and if you can get through it i think that relationship must be pretty special. wishing you all the luck in the world. oh, and good for you not dragging your child through your dates too. my sister did that to her youngest and it used to confuse him terribly.
