Damaged justmenow: Since the divorce I have had quite a bit of time to do some self-evaluation on my own and via my therapist. Sometimes I begin to wonder if I will ever be able to repair the emotional damage that has been done to me.
I guess the biggest issue right now is trust. I am suspicious of *EVERYTHING*. I do not take anything at face value, I do not become close to people, etc. It's not to the point of paranoia, don't take me wrong, but its just that wall has been raised again and it's very thick this time. Will time allow me to trust again or will it always be this bad? I guess I lost my innocence with this marriage, thinking that someone I loved so completely was capable of such betrayal, dishonesty, disloyalty, and just general sleaze.
What this has done to me is that now I am very easily threatened by the presence of other people. This is NOT a good trait and I am aware of it, but am not quite sure how to address it. I have found that there are simply people out there who take pleasure in "collecting" other people's friends and/or significant others. Even though they are aware of how important some people might be to me, it's like they are compelled to flirt their way in and steal that person away just for the purpose of doing it. Like "Oh! Look! I got another one because I CAN!" It makes me sick and I usually just end up giving up and moving on. What makes people do that? It's just mean.
I guess to boil it down, maybe I'm just possessive. Maybe I'm selfish. I don't expect to be the ONLY person in someone's life - I'm not that naive. Maybe it's because I used to feel smaller and smaller each time my X would flirt with a waitress or a bartender or the checkout girl at the grocery store. Maybe I started feeling not good enough because of all the internet porn he would sneak off to look at. So now I am reduced to this silly, pathetic, shell of a human being with little worth because my X had an affair - proving that I was not good enough for him. Not attractive enough, not patient enough, not talented enough, not perfect. I don't know. Not like the "woman" he slept with was beautiful - as a matter of fact... ugh. Don't want to go there.
Sorry, this quite a ramble. The bottom line is that I now get this overwhelming urge to just run away and cut myself off from everyone because I'm tired of feeling threatened, not good enough, and hurt. Maybe if I just don't get into relationships with men, and by "relationships" I don't necessarily mean intimate, but friendships too.
See? I warned you this was messed up. Any recommendations? Is there *anyone* out there who is going through this too? Is there anything that helps? :-[ :'(
Re:Damaged TiredandScared: What an interesting time for a comment like this:
[quote"> I guess I lost my innocence with this marriage[/quote">
With it being the 40th Anv. of the death of JFK, a time (well before me) that the whole USA was the end of the onnocence. Just a note on how quickly things changed it was mere months after this horrible act that the Fab Four invaded music here in the US. It's funny how acouple small things changed everything forever, and what a microcosm(sp?) our lives can be.
JMN, I do feel your pain, because this year to me has been so altering to who I am and what I want out of life it scares the heck out of me. I still wake up with night terrors about everything. Like so many things, it's a slow process, and we all wish it to eend when we say so, but it is time that helps us heal, and helps us grow.
In your words I read a longing of a stability that isn't there, but it will be, in time it will be. You are a wonderful person who deserves better than you had, and it'll show up when you least expect it.
I send to you my prayers, and friendship. These are feelings we all have and we're all here for you.
Re:Damaged incoherentlonghorn: I also wonder if my emotional damage has made me unsalvageable. I was just in tears over a similar issue with the same root cause-damage. All I want is to be close to safe male friends; once I’m there I feel completely threatened and compromised. I am unable to function. Now I’m starting to want to avoid them all together in fear of having to face that again. Trust sucks. Your not alone!!!! :-[
Unfortunately, my only idea is instead of trying to trust them, try trusting yourself. Like you said, avoid them for a period…who knows.
Trust yourself, then you will know how to live. Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe 1749-1832
Please take care and let me know if you have a breakthrough. :)
Re:Damaged justmenow: One additional thought, there are "collectors", but there are also those who feel compelled to be collected. This goes along the premise that one person cannot "make" another person do something. Everyone is responsible for his/her own actions. Therefore, I shouldn't waste my time with people who don't respect me and my feelings, or respect themselves enough to realize when they're being used.
I would give anything to just stop thinking about everything for a couple of months. Instead of trying to resolve the unresolvable, just letting life happen. I just wish I had better judgement about people and was more careful about the people I choose as friends. Look where trust got me when my X slept with my best friend? I would never backstab, lie or mislead a friend - especially a friend in pain.
What this means is that I guess you can't really expect loyalty from anyone... survival of the fittest and all that... I guess the sneakiest, the meanest, and the best flirts are considered the "fittest" in the social arena, and if that's the case, then I resign. I will not play that game.
Re:Damaged inebr: Hey Justmenow,
I totally know how you feel. I have a lot of the same feelings about people and men. It's hard for me to let my guard down. And I think I have the right to feel this way, so do you! I mean, look at the type of treatment we went through. Being with a man who womanizes can cause havoc to one's self esteem. ...but I let it happen.
I like to spend time people-watching. This is easy for me to do because I am taking classes and there are countless numbers of interactions I can watch between men and women, teachers and students. And people can really be messed up. If one thing this whole situation with my stbx has given me, it's this new ability to understand social situations better. I used to be terrible at this and now I think I'm average or maybe better than average. Ok, I don't mean to act all-knowing here but really, it's funny to watch people. And I have been watching myself a lot more too, watching why it is that I interact in certain ways, why some women make me feel insecure or bad, why some men make me feel comfortable... How I can control the way people interact with me, this has been a revelation. It's like they say about respecting yourself and getting the respect from others. This never made a lot of sense to me because I always respected other people regardless. But I lacked in self-respect. Today I realize I have a lot of control over how others treat me. It's wonderful..... all this stuff is very interesting to me.
When it comes to men, I think the next time around things will be very different. There will have to be a long period of communication and being in different situations where I can observe his reactions to other people and things before letting myself get too serious. Flirting with other women in front of me is an absolute and complete turn off. Ok, so there's no real way to make sure that a person is for real because we all know too well how it feels when someone we think we know does a complete 180. But, I did a lot of not-too-enlightened things when getting involved with my stbx. I know now how it could've been done better and will get the chance to try it out the next time around. I hope to not turn into dating-natzi woman, but I know I'm going to be quite a bit more demanding! I hope this helps somewhere for you. Anyhoo just my 2 cents.
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