Re:Damaged barelybreathing: Jimb,
Ironically, I started to put a little Jimb clause in my thread after I wrote the victim statement. I knew for sure that you would counter and rightfully so.
I agree with what you say, but sometimes getting the heart to work with the mind is challenging Jimb.
If I might speak on behalf of justmenow and myself and others who were cheated on, it is a huge hurdle to overcome mentally, physically, spiritually. Our egos were bruised majorly. Our spouses "engaged" with another. We have huge mental hurdles to overcome. We can't help but to feel damaged. The repair work is daunting.....
BB
Re:Damaged Safetykc: BB,
It is a challenge, but not an insurmountable one...I was reading your post just now and the part about being damaged because of our cheating spouses struck me funny.
I know its hard, but try to see them as the damaged ones...Look at what they were capable of doing, not to just an acquaintance or a friend, but to the person they promised to love honor and cherish...
There has to be serious damage to their egos, psyche, and personality's to not take a DEEP BREATH when thouse things get started and go...God...how could I do this to the person I am supposed to love most in the world after myself..my husband or wife....The damage they have and face is that they don't pause and reconsider, but continue own that slippery slope and cause destruction to countless lives, their own, the spouses, any children involved...
I know that doesn't help the hurt inside, But THOSE OF US WHO WERE CHEATED ON DID NOTHING wrong to cause this other person to make these horrible decisions. They had a choice...to work the marital challenges out or to end the marriage prior to starting up a new relationship. They made the "damaged" choices...
The repair work is daunting, but be strong and it will come in time. Next time you think about what was done to you mentally, spiritually, physically, and to your ego, try to think about how pituful all of those things are in this other person. They had the tiny ego's that needed the afirmation of themselves so badly they had to get it by cheating....they are the morally bankrupt ones spiritually because they broke the marital promise...and it is a promise under God, they are the ones who couldn't empahize and mentally live up to the challenge of thinking through their actions...
Sorry, didn't mean to go on a tangent. I have been following this thread about being damaged, by our spouses and thinking alot about it.
Re:Damaged JimB: [quote">
If I might speak on behalf of justmenow and myself and others who were cheated on, it is a huge hurdle to overcome mentally, physically, spiritually. Our egos were bruised majorly. Our spouses "engaged" with another. We have huge mental hurdles to overcome. [/quote">
OK, I'm with ya so far....
[quote"> We can't help but to feel damaged. The repair work is daunting.....
[/quote">
Maybe it's semantics that I'm having such a problem with, but semantics are important here. The victim mentality starts with semantics. The term "damaged" implies that someone has damaged you. That, in turn, implies blame. And IMO, guilt and blame are the two most important things we must move past in order to truly heal.
It's a control thing. If you refer to yourself as "damaged" you are giving your ex power over you that he no longer has otherwise. The implication is that the negative effect his behavior has had on you is something you'll carry with you your whole life. And I'll grant that you might choose to carry it with you, but that is your choice.
"But Jimb, it's different when you were cheated on." Perhaps, but the difference is a matter of degree. The trust was violated just that much more. So perhaps the process of healing the bruises will be longer or more intense. I'm not trying to downplay the amount of pain that's involved, or the fact that everyone needs healing from that pain. I just object to the idea that something that happened to you in your past can prevent you from creating the future that you want. That's simply not true.
Re:Damaged barelybreathing: You know what I love about this sight....is the insight that everyone has to offer. When reading everyone's posts, you are able to look at things in so many different perspectives. It is very helpful.
Safety, right on.....yes, they ARE the damaged ones.
Jimb, yes and right on to you to.
My worth is mine and mine alone. I do not or will not need another to validate my worth. I am in control.
Yup, I got it. Will repeat it over and over when I feel my self pity creeping up on me making me feel damaged...
BB
Re:Damaged justmenow: dam·age
(n.)
Harm or injury to property or a person, resulting in loss of value or the impairment of usefulness.
I never said I felt victimized. I caused as much damage to myself as a result of my marriage than he caused. I have accepted responsibility for my portion of the downfall of my relationship. After all, if we both truly participated in the marriage, then we were both at fault. This doesn't change the fact that I feel damaged - it's really unimportant how the damage was done, be it self-inflicted or allowed, or as the result of someone's actions. The point is that I will never be able to look at another living human being with the innocence that I was able to apply before. Maybe the word "flawed" would have been more applicable? It's all semantics.
