It's almost over...I think leem03: Interrogatories were supposed to be done...neither one of us completed them. We were supposed to go to mediation Wednesday, neither one of us wanted to go, so it was cancelled. We are have a tentative court date set for December 1st....as in that is it the final day of my marriage. But we have nothing done. We haven't talked about asset splitting, we haven't talked about custody, we just keep going on with our crazy lives and this just seems to be a part of our daily routing.
My lawyer is getting upset with me. I don't know what to do. If any of you have read my previous posts you know that my life like many of yours is a continuous roller coaster. And I think that maybe I should be sharing my feelings at an alanon site as opposed to this one. I know he has a drinking problem. He can quit for a week or so & is right back to it again. He is bipolar, but does nothing about that. He was on depression medicine, but why bother when he still drinks like a fish. The alcohol makes the medicine worthless. He still talks to the OW and maintains that they are just friends. One day he wants to be with me and work this marriage out & the next he hates me because I ruined his life and the next he hates himself because I deserve so much better than him. Where is the truth in all of this? I try so hard everyday to figure it all out, but I can't. He lies all the time. I hear stories he tells other people. To one group he tells them the house is up for sale (which it isn't) and that we will be legally done very soon. To others he says I still love her and want to be with her. No pattern. He doesn't say the things to anyone in particular, I guess it just must be whatever his mood is for the day.
I want so badly for this marriage to work. I see him on the good days, that he's not drinking & is operating with a level head. I believe we can do this, but he has to want to change his life for himself and let's face it, he's still leading a self destructive path, so I highly doubt that will happen. So I continue to sit by and watch my life go by. Waiting and hoping that one day soon it will all be over. I mean how bad is it when neither of you want to really follow through with the divorce with your attorneys?
A letter from my attorney, "Since you and your husband both seem to be at odds with concluding this matter, I would strongly suggest that you and he decide whether ending is really what you both want to do. I would again urge both of you to get into some type of marriage counseling that would either help your relationship and stop this legal process or come to grips that your marriage is over. Even at this late date a judge will be sympathetic to put your case on hold for several months if you are in good faith to try and reconcile. If you try that approach and it still does not work out, then perhaps you will be stronger emotionally to be ending your marriage in the proper legal way. ......... I understand that today is your wedding anniversary (3 years) and you really don't want this divorce and this is an extremely difficult time for you. Please give marriage counseling some thought. If he will not go then you have to decide what you are going to do for yourself and your child. I know this hurts very much, but pretending the situation does not exist will not solve it. Please try to find some emotional peace."
We are pretending. We go on each day like usual and when something comes up that we're supposed to do legally we seem to shut down & both shy away. I don't know what's going to happen next week. Will we be able to walk into the court room & sign papers and leave without anything being decided? I am still so hurt & so confused. I am just trying to keep my head above the water.
Re:It's almost over...I think justmenow: Oh leem, I have no experience with alcoholics, but would highly recommend you visit the AA website or local meeting. This does not sound like a good situation at all. He needs to realize his problem and help himself and as much as I am an advocate for doing anything to save your marriage, it sounds like you need to get away from him.
This must be so hard for you. I can feel the pain in your post, but sometimes to help the ones you love, you have to let them feel the full impact of the consequences to their choices. Do what is best for you right now and let him worry about what's best for him. I hope you can find the peace you seek. Good luck.
Re:It's almost over...I think leem03: Thank you for the reply. I have talked about going to Alanon for a while now, but just can't seem to get myself to go. It's hard for me to open up and let other people see my hurt. I have always been such a strong person & I am no where near the person I used to be. I am constantly wallowing in self pity and guilt, denial, and complete worthlessness. I'm on here at 4am because I can't sleep. I don't want to do anything for Thanksgiving I just want to sit around the house & cry. I keep looking for someone to tell me why all of this is happening. I want a reason. I want something concrete that I can grasp onto & I can't get it from my stbx. Like I said, one day he loves me & wants to be with me & the next he's at the OW's. He has been home with me for the last 3 weeks. Now all of a sudden again Friday nite, he is back at her place. I know he ends up over there after he spends the entire day up at the bar, but still he's there none-the-less. It hurts! And I can't stop the hurting or the pain or the misery. All the while I keep trying to pretend to the outside world that my life is ok. I have a circle of friends & family that I let in because I honestly can't believe what my life has become.
I know I'm rambling here, but I guess that is the inconsistent rambling that's going on inside my head. I was invited to my sister-in-law's parents for Thanksgiving dinner, but told her today that I don't think I'll go because I don't want to be around happy people. I don't want people to feel sorry for me & I don't want people to ask me questions. I just want all the pain to stop. I can't make it stop. Will someone please tell me how to make it stop????????????? Where the heck is that light at the end of the tunnel?
