Painful situation. saddayin the bay: OK, here we go. My wife and I have been married for 4 1/2 years. Everything was fine. We were both in the military at the beggining, then i got out to finish college. (which i finished recently). During my last year, I still loved my wife deeply (still do) but I didnt have time to be her friend or do things with like we used to, due to my hectic school schedule. So, she would go out with friends and what not, while I stayed at home with my studies. She would constantly try to communicate that she was getting tired of this, and I didnt listen, I wanted to finish my BA in 2 years.
So last November I learned that she cheated on me, while she was away for a few weeks at an Army school. I was shocked, being how this was by no means the way she was. I said I would leave, but I didnt, I gave her a second chance. Anyhow, I went home for a week or so to visit my folks, and came back to find out she had done it again with a co-worker, after a night of drinking. I was done at this point and I really hated her, but knew she was going to be deployed to the middle east soon, so I thought I would stick it out. She constantly told me she loved me and that she will never do this again, while I just agreed and was always a little short with her when she would call. The emails she sent from Kuwait/Iraq, were always apologetic and sincere, but once again, I was always short with her. About 1 1/2 months ago i realized that I was ignoring her (I just assumed, hey, a cheater is a cheater) and that I really loved her. It was too late, she has a boyfriend now over there and told me she doesnt love me. I have been crushed for the last week or so. i wrote her emails begging for her to stay with me blah blah blah..just being pathetic. I woke up today and realized after a long stint of hoplessness, that I just want to be happy. I just want her to be happy. It is hard to work things out when your wife is in a war so far away.
She is coming home soon on R&R and she reluctantly agreed to see me to discuss seperation. At, first i begged her to see me and told her "Maybe if we just see eachother face to face, rather than on the phone and email, she will realize she does love me and stay with me" But now, i am deciding to stop being pathetic. i wont pressure her or bring up the indescretions, but rather just hang out and be friends. We can talk about the divorce, if need be, so things dont get ugly. Whatever happens, i just dont want to hate her in the end. I want to be friends, since she is a large part of my life.
P.S Is it common for people to have such an emotional rollercoaster. When i am telling her, its never gonna work (at the beginning) she was infactuated with me. When I speak up and say "I do love you and want to be with you forever" she doesnt love me. (now) what happens if she comes back and i am just cordial, but wont let my love for her show like it did? Will she then love me again? I dunno, we'll see. Is this normal behavior?
I do love her, i do not know whats best for either of us. I am containing my emotions as of lately, is that the best alternative if I dont want a divorce?
Re:Painful situation. leem03: Welcome!
First of all Congratulations on finishing school. Obviously you made big sacrifices in your life to get that accomplished. I think that is something you should be greatly proud of.
I'm sorry that you are hurting right now. You've come to a great place to share your thoughts & read others going through similar situations. I don't have any answers for you. But people definitely go on never ending roller coasters. I am still riding mine & it's been a long ride. Unfortunately only you ultimately know what is right for you. There is no magic recipe for a great marriage. If there was one, I would definitely pay big bucks to get a copy.
All I can say is hang in there & be strong. I surely am not one to give advice as my marriage is terrible. But all you can do it take it one day at a time.
Again welcome. I'm sure others here will give you great advice!!
Re:Painful situation. saddayin the bay: Thank you. I was a mess this past couple weeks. lost 12 lbs and just plain feel like crap. When i decided that I would not beg for her to come back anymore, or ignite any more drama, i actually feel better. I guess everyone goes thru the "pathetic phase". I will not lose my self-respect over this.
It's hard to figure out wether or not we will work things out. its hard when she is in iraq and I am here. When she comes back for R&R we will spend 5 days together figuring it out. But my worry is, if it does work out in those 5 days, will she just return to her ways when she gets back to Iraq, with this other dude she is with? i dunno, i'm tired of the string along game.
Is it true "Once a cheater always a cheater?" or is this just situational? Did i cause this b/c of my unattentiveness to her? i wish i could go back and change things. :-[
