Advice about going back to husband or filing for divorce Bubby: I'm new to this forum--finding it after another night of insomia and crying. And, I'm hoping that some members might have some good advice and perspective for me.
I left my husband of six years over a year ago (we have two children, 8 and 5)--he was always depressed and angry so I thought that if he was unhappy with me, maybe he would be happier without me. I loved him dearly but I also met another man who was everything my husband wasn't. I never cheated on my husband but I completely taken away by this new man. He was cheerful, educated, kind to me, and seemed generally happy and content with his life--much unlike my husband.
That is not to say that my husband was a terrible, horrible person. We met in high school, I got pregnant his junior year, and we were married after he graduated. We had some really good times, camping, watching "Trading Spaces" and ordering Dominoes every Saturday night. But, I worked and went to school (earning an advanced degree) while he moved from job to job and dream to dream. Nothing satisfied him and he never stayed long on one topic.
But, his depression was always there. He would go on medication and stop after a while. He would cheer up for a few weeks and then be moody and sullen for the next few weeks. When things were great they were great, and when they were awful, well...
He seemed to hate having me and the children around and resented me and my education. So, I gave up. I was so tired. I left him and devistated him. I truly hurt him. He moved from living at home with his parents to living with me. And, I hurt another human being more than I knew I was capable of. The guilt still haunts me, I think.
Shortly after I left my husband I started seeing the other man. We get along wonderfully. But, he has never been married and it took a long time for him to become comfortable with my kids. He loves me and is willing to work at this relationship. And, I do love him. He's not perfect, but he is such a wonderful, caring man.
But, I still miss my husband so much. I miss our family. I was fine with the separation for the first nine months, until my father died suddenly. Then, all I wanted was to get back together. It felt like my world came crashing down. And, I wanted to talk about reconciling several months ago but he didn't want to get back together. He has a new girlfriend and after 2 weeks they moved into together--but I don't really think he's over me and has stopped loving me. I can't see their relationship being more than just something to make him fell less lonely. I feel so confused. I have put my budding relationship with TOM on hold because I need to figure things out for myself.
My husband did start a technical school after our separation and will finish in May 06. I guess I always hoped that if he had something that was "his" he would be happy. But, talking to him on the phone last night, he says he isn't happy now and doesn't know if he "will ever or can ever be happy." How can I want to be with someone who doesn't know if he can ever really be happy?
Do I only want to go back to my husband because I miss that "sense of family" that we had? (Because I do miss "our family" terribly.) Am I just scared and want to be with someone that I'm just comfortable with? Is wanting "my family" back reason enough to get back together? Or, should I just "give up the ghost"? Afterall, it's been over a year since we separated. Or, is the fact that I haven't had the courage to file for divorce a sign that I don't want to walk away without a fight, yet? Do I just want to talk about getting back together because I know that I'm losing everything I had. That it is gone forever...
I've been sick about this for several months. I just can't seem to wrap my brain around everything. One moment, I want to get a divorce, the next I'm a basketcase. I'm not eating, I'm not sleeping. All I do is cry. Does anyone have any advice? I just can't seem to see the forest for the trees...
Re: Advice about going back to husband or filing for divorce WhiskeyGirl: Bubby.....its been a yr and you still miss him....that says something. You dont have to jump right back in, why not suggest doing some marital counselling and see where that leads, mabey "date" your husband again for a while. Just because its been a year does not mean "Times up!! Gotta make a decision right now!" Take your time, do not file for divorce unless you are absolutely sure thats what you want, take some time to explore your feelings and how you feel about your husband right now. I hope you find your answer, welcome to OJAR, you have found a great group of people here :)
Re: Advice about going back to husband or filing for divorce hudson: hey bubby,
I agree with whiskeygirl. I will add just a bit of advice. You started off by saying that, in leaving your husband you were trying to do him a favor. Cmon, please. Didn't you do it for your own happiness too? Didn't you do it because you thought it would be better for you?
I recommend one at a time. If you're going to try to reconcile with the hubby, you'll need to end the current affair your having, imo. Or, if you're going to continue the affair and divorce the hubby, I recommend a clean break. Either way, you've got to make a decision.
If I were you, I'd ditch the guy your with and return to the commitment that you made with your heart to the man you know you love. Your kids might like that idea too, a whole family again. Just my two cents.
Re: Advice about going back to husband or filing for divorce Bubby: And, you're absolutely right. I wanted to be happy, too. And, I wasn't. The lengths we go to to avoid pain... While he made mistakes, I made my own share. I was so naive--I actually thought leaving him would be easier than staying. That it would somehow end these problems. It didn't, just created new ones. How can someone so smart at school be so stupid elsewhere? But, I honestly did want him to be happy... That is all that I've ever wanted for him. It always just seemed so hard...
I have ended the relationship with the other guy so that I can figure things out. I'm just so scared about going back... I don't know if I can take this pain again if things don't work out. I'm scared he will never be happy with me...
But, I did offer to go to counseling...
Re: Advice about going back to husband or filing for divorce kittenpants: Bubby...
I agree with the other posts, but, of course, it isn't all about you. What about your husband and his girlfriend? When you talked to him before about reconciling, he said he didn't want to -- did he give any reasons? Also, will he admit he has depression? Because if his depression is a major stumbling block in your lives, it probably is in his alone as well, and he should probably get some help. Until he does this, chances are good that neither one of you will be happy.
Good Luck!
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