Re: Advice about going back to husband or filing for divorce Suddenly Single: Bubby,
It seems from your first post to the last you are learning some things about yourself and that is wonderful.
First, you need to find out if he is willing to seek professional help for his depression. Because if he is not then you know things will go back to the same as they were before. I think this would be the decision maker.
I do wonder if you miss the "idea" of the family and not exactly how it used to be......it is really hard to filter out what is what with those feelings.
Re: Advice about going back to husband or filing for divorce Bubby: Well, the OW called last night at 3:30 a.m. telling me that she is moving out. I win.
I didn't want "to win." I just wanted to talk and see whether there is something to salvage or not. Honestly, if we're still married, not divorced, don't I have the right to call and talk about finances, whether we're through or not? After all, even though it's been over a year, don't I still have the right, since we're technically still married to talk to him about our marriage? Didn't she realize that by dating a man who was still married, and only separated, that he had unfinished business? He isn't single. Neither am I. We have to things to settle. She knew this when she moved in after two weeks of dating.
I mean, I knew she always had a problem with me. She didn't like him calling to talk to the boys because he would have to talk to me. She didn't like when we talked on the phone for any length of time--about my youngest starting kindergarten and whether he should go all day or half. Whether my oldest should get a guitar for his birthday or start karate lessons. I suppose she was feeling insecure and scared. Sh!t, now I'm feeling guilty about breaking up and hurting my husband's girlfriend. Not that I blame her for feeling angry with me and him. She just wants to be happy, too. That's what we're all after...
And, now I'm racked with guilt. I wasn't trying to break things up with them. I've met her twice and I was always nice to her--smiled, said hello, chit-chat. I even had "the talk" with my oldest son telling him that it is okay to like the OW. That our hearts have an enormous capacity for love. Liking the OW doesn't mean that he loves Mommy even less. And, that he doesn't ever need to feel guilty about liking the OW. That Mommy knows how much he loves her and that there is never any reason Mommy would doubt that. Liking the OW has nothing to do with how he felt about his Mommy.
I just wanted to talk and see if this is the end or not. Now, I'm afraid that things are just snowballing out of control. I don't even know what I want and now I feel like if I decide next week, two weeks, or two months down the road that it isn't going to work, that I looked like the jealous ex-wife who couldn't stand to get a dose of her own medicine. That I am going to break his heart again. Because I really honestly never wanted to hurt him. I'm just trying to keep from hurting myself, my boys... I'm just afraid that if this is the end, I would feel forever like I never gave it my all. Never told him what I needed to. I just now feel this enormous pressure to reconcile, whether I'm ready or not.
Why does this all have to be some complicated and painful? I'm just trying to make the right decision for me and my boys. I suppose much of my writing lately has been my need to shout from the rooftops that I'm not a bad person. Just in a difficult and confusing situation.
Re: Advice about going back to husband or filing for divorce brokenhearted: I hear you on that one Bubby, it's not an easy place to be in. I'm trying hard not to be over-simplistic here but if you truly want to get back together start with small steps, go for a cup of coffee and work from there. You have probobly heard that one a million times but sometimes the simplist solution maybe the best.
Re: Advice about going back to husband or filing for divorce Bubby: Man, I'm using you guys like therapy.
But, please, someone tell me that feeling confused and conflicted is okay. I feel like I should know for certain whether I want to get back together or not. Because I don't. I just don't.
Re: Advice about going back to husband or filing for divorce brokenhearted: Trust me, confused, angry, scared, the whole gambit is normal. I consider myeslf normal and I have definatly felt them all. Is hiring a hit-man normal????? Just kidding. I also found you have to keep your sence of humour. I know if I didn't have it, I would be seriously hurting, so at least keep smiling ;D
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