Re: Advice about going back to husband or filing for divorce sourpuss: i am all over the reconcilling idea, if it's what you both want.
but i sgree with blazin' abotu the leaving to do him a favour. my stbx used this nonsense on me. i had issues with certain aspects of our relationship, but i was happy in my marriage, he wasn't. he claimed to be cheating on me because "he couldn't make me happy". i wasn't asking him to.
it is a way of unconciously shifting the guilt you feel onto him. it's ok to leave someone because you are not happy. it's even ok to realize later that maybe the marriage was not the problem.
but all i felt for a long time was that he was blaming me for his leaving. i'll bet your ex does, too.
Re: Advice about going back to husband or filing for divorce Bubby: About shifting the guilt-- you're probably right. I wasn't happy and I knew he wasn't happy. I justified it in my head that I was trying to help him but really I hurt myself and him just as much because I avoided my own responsibility in this. And, maybe this had to do with the depression. Thinking about it more, maybe I wanted him to hurt like that--thinking that it was all his fault--because I was so hurt from his depression.
It isn't healthy or mature, probably, but after six years of going back and forth (on meds, off meds, on meds, off meds), I wanted to absolve myself the whole situation. It wasn't my depression so I wasn't taking responsibility. And, while I never had a relationship with the other man while my husband and I were together, I guess I figured that here was another *healthy* man who cares for me. Maybe this life with my husband isn't how it has to be. I was just so tired. So tired. I just wanted to believe that things could be better. And, leaving at the time helped me to believe that things could be. I think that was why I was too tired to fight then. Maybe why I am ready to fight now.
But, I'm not sure right now if fighting is the best thing... Maybe I would be healthier and my children would be healthier, if we lived separately. Has anyone lived with someone with depression and found ways to reconcile? And, maybe this is all-for-not. He says he doesn't want to reconcile but I think that is just out of fear that we will end up here again later. I'm going to give us both a little more time. I'm not sure how long I can keep going like this but I finally feel like I'm being honest with him and myself about everything. And, if it doesn't work out... well.
Re: Advice about going back to husband or filing for divorce browngreen: Hmmm. I don't know, since I'm in tghe same boat you are. Not sure if I should work on the m or make a clean break.
Somedays I wonder which choice is braver? Which is wiser? WHich suits me better?
It feels brave to move on, venture out, etc. But it also feels like taking a short cut when I know I"ll get more out of the long way eventually.
Sometimes I think it just makes sense to let it all go since it obviously isn't working. Othertimes I remember being single, I remember how rare love is, and how cool it is to have it with someone exceptional.
Here's where I am at with it all:
Think outside the box. I'm creative, and I like making do with what I have, and making the best of things.
If I have a man who is depressed, but we love each other, there's a way to make it work. There's a way to be his wife, to love him, and not be stifled. Perseverance isn't just being happy all the time, it's coming up with a way to make it through to the original goal. And sometimes that means adapting to the situation with whatever tools are in your tool box.
Lately I am really inspired by stories of actual people I know who have been divorced but have lived on the same street and dated eachother, or couples who stayed married, but lived seperately, or had seperate bedrooms, etc.
I remember when I was younger thinking seperate befrooms, ick. How awful. It's got to be a sign there are problems in the M.
Wake up call-- there are problems in every marrraige. If I see a marriage now, I know there are problems. Kudos to those who are bold enough to figure out what works for them to stay together. to make it.
At some point I think you have to buckle down and just put in the effort to make it and let happiness come. Maybe for a while, "happiness" can't be the goal.
I don't know, but I wonder.
BG
Re: Advice about going back to husband or filing for divorce hudson: Just an idea Bubby, but you may ask Michael to move this thread to the "tell your story" section and you may receive more input and advice.
Re: Advice about going back to husband or filing for divorce Bubby: My husband called me earlier and I decided to talk to my husband about fighting for our marriage. I got completely emotional, in the middle of Wal-Mart, no less--no shocker for me. He was upset but didn't know what to say. I want to try sometimes so badly I can't breathe. It hurts so bad I can't stand the pain.
But I am so scared. I am worried that I am making a huge mistake and that I will regret this later if things end up just like they were. But, I am willing to compromise. He could stay where he is living and finish school (he has a year left)--we could work on building trust and see each other on the weekends while we try to see if there is anything left. But, I will not give up my new home. At least not until I finish my PhD (another 3 years). This is home to me and my boys. I love my house--nothing has ever felt like home before like this. And, we both have to go to counseling. I am really concerned about his depression, especially when he said that he "wasn't happy and didn't know if he ever would be." I am so scared that I am going to end up right back where I was two years ago. He was angry, I was an emotional wreck. It wasn't healthy. He yelled, I cried.
And, if he doesn't want to get back together, I'm filing for divorce first thing next month. I can't keep doing this. I have to either work at this or move on. "Give up the ghost." Because this is tearing me apart.
Either way, I'm still going to start counseling in the fall. This is just tearing me apart.
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