I need advice. saddayin the bay: My wife is in iraq currently. When she left things were not good between us due to some infedelity on her part. I didnt help much, being how I was so busy that i didnt spend time with her as her friend/husband. I just kept my face in the books. So I guess she needed to look for something more or some excitement when she would go away for a few weeks for various type of training and cheated on me. I am not justifying her actions just pointing out that I didnt help much, which I understand now.
Anyhow, i catch her and we both cried and all the hoopla swearing to make it better. I tried, but she was leaving for Iraq soon, but we were together at least. The day she left was a sad one, but the minute I left the airport, i just thought about the infedelity and lost all rational thought. She would call me almost everyday, I was short with her because I didnt think I loved her for what she did. But she constantly called emailed etc.. to try and get me to work things out. She said all the right things, so I did eventually grow to love her again (not that i was really out of love with her, but it kindled again.) All of the sudden i stop getting the phone calls and emails. I got an email from a co-worker of hers there, it was anomynous, and they told me she was seeing a guy there. (Is this a war or a brothel?) So anyhow, i email her and ask her whats going on and she sdmits to seeing someone and she doesnt think she loves me anymore. It was like a dagger in the heart. Hopw can i fullfill her needs halfway around the globe? How did this happen? I love her so much.
She is flying back to the states to our home in Colorado, i am currently in Fl. She doesnt want to see me, but I am thinking of flying out there, and meeting her off the plane. Is this a good idea? I am hoping she will remember how much she loves me when she looks at me.
Re:I need advice. saddayin the bay: I think I am in the "pathetic phase"
I saw a book you can download called :stop divorce" is it any good, is there things to say that will rekindle your wifes love for you?
I dont have the money right now, wish i did, to check it out.
I saw somewhere, that if stop being so wishy washy, telling her how much I love her etc... that it will work. if i just agree and seem happy, it will make her want me more. Is this true? What kinda things should I say to her when i see her?
Re:I need advice. PiscesGoddess: Oh man Oh man oh man..I am so sorry for your situation.. I really am.. and I hope I say the right thing here.. but.. yikes..she is repeatedly cheating on you and you think if you "magically" do the right thing that will stop? ::) I think she has given up..I mean thats just my 2 cents.. and the more you throw yourself at her.. the more it is just going to cause you rejection and pain. As for the books..I know there are alot of good ones out there..but there isnt one that has the universal answer that makes one spouse have the ability to save a marriage on their own.. It takes two.. to be willing .. Is it worth a shot? sure.. of course it is.. But just go in with your eyes wide open.. I only say this because of personal experience.. and as I said ..it is only my 2 cents.. Best of luck to you man.. :-\
Pisces
Re:I need advice. robert98: First of all you have my 100% sympathies and support. I was in very, very similar shoes six months ago. I know the hell, I know the dagger in the heart and I know the unbearable feeling of not wanting to wake up in the morning.
I'm going to go out on a limb here... :-\
My take on this is that it is time for you to start grieving. My opinion is that it is over and you are going to start the grieving process. I remember almost six months to the day having a psychologist tell me that "it is over and start grieving". I looked at him like: this is not happening I cannot accept it. But someone had to tell me. (If this posting appears out of line please do engage a professional therapist soon to get a second opinion. :P)
For me the next few days and weeks (and months unfortunately) were absolutely horrible. I remember having to go to Office Depot to buy boxes and tape and packing material and just feeling like I was in an absolute twilight zone living hell.
The one thing (and really almost the only one thing) that I was able to grab onto at rock bottom was a sense of dignity and some sense of basic honor. I decided to not email her, not call her, not call her parents, not drive 100 miles to her parents house and hold on to the dignity that after the end I acted as much like a man as possible. After all, I had previously spent many weeks "on my knees" begging for the marriage...
My fellow man -- this is a tough journey that you and I are on but you WILL survive.
Re:I need advice. saddayin the bay: Thank you.
the thing is when i think I am out of love with her, she is in love with me. When I am in love with her, she is out of love with me. We had a great marriage up until, a year ago, i mean great. I might have helped her or pushed her to do this. But this guy in iraq is like a current relationship. I cant stop it, being here. Now she is flying to the states on R&R, should I see her to see if things can change? I know she loves me somewhere, but i dont think she is willing to live with me knowing what she has done. She thinks our relationship cant survive. i have read somewhere that these things are wakeup calls in some marriages and they actually turn out better.
I just want to see her again, it is hard to talk it over with her over the phone and email. I am just thinking that if we see each other and talk face to face it will work out. But i dont know. i am constantly crying and hurtin real bad, not about the cheating, but she told me she didnt love me anymore and she cries when she does it.
Should I stop smothering her with the I love you's and we belong together stuff that just flies out of my mouth when i cry on the phone to her. or should I just act normal and nice and agree with her? It seems like once one of us decides its over the other falls back in love. Its a freakin roller coaster. I am in serious pain right now.
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