Re: Do you want full disclosure about your SO's sexual past? Bubba: What does it matter? Who cares if the woman has had 1 lover or a 1000. Does it change who she is? No. So what do you gain from asking the question. Absolutely nothing. Just as BBH said, I don't care about the past, as long as I am the last. There is nothing to gain, and everything to lose by asking the question.
Cheers,
Bubba
Re: Do you want full disclosure about your SO's sexual past? teacherwriterguy: Huh - how about that. And I thought I'd be the majority opinion on this one.
I can understand wanting to know - and I'm a huge "Chasing Amy" fan.
I should qualify that though. I think it's useful/important/interesting to understand your partner's history and where they are coming from. I wouldn't want to know all the X-rated details of every encounter, but I think - at some point - you can talk about who the important romantic relationships were in your partner's life. Who mattered to them? Why? Why didn't it work out? And I think it's okay for them to know those things about you.
If you can accept the answers, you learn a lot about your partner as a person.
As a side note, I do think that infidelity is a pattern. It doesn't mean that someone who cheated once WILL do it again, but if someone has accepted that once as a behavior that they can indulge in, it'd be a red flag as I got to know them.
twg
Re: Do you want full disclosure about your SO's sexual past? Bubba: [quote"> think - at some point - you can talk about who the important romantic relationships were in your partner's life. Who mattered to them? Why? Why didn't it work out? And I think it's okay for them to know those things about you.
[/quote">
I totally agree with you on this TWG. The only thing I can say is, there can be a HUGE difference between important romantic relationships and their sexual past!
Bubba
ADDITION - Let's say the woman/man you know is perfect for you, but 10 year prior when they were in university, they got into drugs, and use to participate regularly in orgies. They have long since cleaned up their act, and have totally changed since those days. Would you really want to know about that time in their life? I know I wouldn't! (Side note, no you freaks, I don't know anyone who actually did the above scenero!).
Re: Do you want full disclosure about your SO's sexual past? tyrogers: Amen.
Re: Do you want full disclosure about your SO's sexual past? teacherwriterguy: Dang - I'm trying to write this without sounding sarcastic, since I'm not being sarcastic here.
When I wrote my response, that's me and the lifestyle I've chosen. While I've had multiple partners in my life, they've all been within committed relationships. And - if I sit and think about it - the sex lives of my past partners have all been within committed relationships.
Then again - even if that weren't true of my partner - I think I'd want to know. It does make a difference to me if my partner has been with 5 people or 500 people.
Again, I think that the way someone approaches sex and sexuality is a real part of their personality, as much as their attitudes about honesty, or their attitudes about hard work, or their attitudes about anything else important in life.
If I was interested in someone with a lengthy sexual history, I guess I'd want to hear their thoughts on why they pursued it, what they thought of sex, what they thought of the idea of being monogamous.
twg
p.s. Saw your post about what if you learned your partner had done 'x' 10 years prior while I was writing this one. An answer to that:
I think I got burned by exactly that scenario.
My ex had an extremely troubled past - and I did know about it going into the relationship and the marriage. At the time, I did wonder about it, but she seemed to have 'cleaned up her act' as you said. When she met me, one of the things she said she loved was that I was 'different' from her past, that I represented what she was now, the kind of life she wanted to live.
7 years later, she left for an OM who represented the lifestyle that she'd had in the past and that apparently was a part of her that she, deep down, didn't want to get rid of.
So - maybe experience made me bitter there - I think a person's past is part of their present. It doesn't mean that people can't change, but you learn about someone by how they've chosen to lead their life.
twg
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