being nice!!! lexi1012: okay, so my husband is planning to move out, but he is trying to be so nice about it!! I know that is better than being treated badly, but it just makes me sick for some reason. Like he feels sorry for me, like I need to be taken care of. ya, of course there is going to lots of things that are going to come up that I will have to figure out on my own. But I can't be turning to him. He has said he wants to do everything he can to make sure my daughter and I are okay. Why does this frustrate me? I'm so mixed up. If he was being mean and nasty that would be worse. But I sort of feel like he is being indifferent and there's nothing worse than that. At least if he was angry it would mean he still has feelings. He says he loves me, but lost the in love feeling. How many times have we heard that on this board??
I know it would be stupid to not accept his kindness, but part of me just wants to tell him where to go.
Re: being nice!!! inthemiddle: Been there, done that. It is frustrating, but he's probably just doing it to appease his guilt (at least my X turned into a selfish jerk soon enough...right around when I started pulling myself together ;) ). To me it always seemed like he was giving mixed signals. If he cared so much, why was he leaving in the first place? And then he tells me, 'I love you' as he's walking out the door for good. How's that for headgames. It's so screwed.
And if I read the lines 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' one more time, I think I'm gonna vomit!! Maybe OJAR should start an online store, we could sell t-shirts with this on it! Along with 'I need some space' and 'the spark's not there anymore'. Why is the dialogue always the same?? Oh well, I guess knowing that helps in a way too right? Knowing none of us are alone...
Re: being nice!!! Ilosther: I'm in the reversed role. She told me she's not in love with me, and now I'm moving out soon. But I've been the one being so caring and nice-basically just being myself. Is it making it harder on her, probably, but I'm just being who I know I am. I know the day will come when we will part ways, I'm not trying to confuse her by loving her, I'm not playing any games to trick her into staying, I've just accepted that she will no longer be there one day, and dont want to even sleep because I want to squeeze out every last drop of this marriage.
Yours may be guilty for his feelings, or he may truly still care for you as a friend. You cannot stop caring for someone overnight.
If you truly want him to stop, tell him. But if you have any feelings left for him, do what is best for your daughter, she shouldn't see anger or even sense it. They are very perceptive, mine is 2, he may not sense things yet, but if and when we fight, he can definitely sense that.
Although, I do feel he will not remember all of this.
Mine always says she's sorry for hurting me. That's a line that I have learned to just close my ears to. If you're sorry, dont do it. But that wont happen.
Stay strong and do what you feel is right for you and your daughter. Anger is quick emotion, it comes and goes. Happiness is something that you can hold on to forever. Holding onto happiness may be painful in the long run when that happiness is just a memory. But decide what you would prefer, I prefer to thank god for all the happiness she has provided me. If I never met her, I would have never experienced the happiness I had with her.
Maybe this was a post to make me feel better too, sorry. but be strong
Re: being nice!!! dgiirl: Be careful of that niceness. Dont depend on it. The night my stbxh dropped the dbomb, he said he'll stay to help me learn to live on my own. I told him if he wants to leave, then leave. He was very arrogant about the fact that I couldnt live on my own. He even told me not to f*up his credit rating because the bills were still in his name. Yet when I said no prob, i'll change the bills into my name he told me not too. He also told me not to f*up the house because i wanted to be "independent", and that if something bad happens I should call him. A few days later he told me he would keep enough money in our joint bank account for the bills, then when the bills came in, he told me to pay for it with my own money. He also told me he would stay off some online forums we both frequent, and he didnt. Basically, everything he said, he's retracted. He still offers help, but I simply ignore it. I think he's only offering help because he's either feeling guilty, or he's so arrogant that he thinks I'm incompetent. Either case, I dont need his help. I've been able to figure out how to live on my own with very little problems. And any problems I have had, I have plenty of people to go to for help. He's the last one I need to help me.
If you can stay civil with him, by all means do it. But dont depend on him anymore. It only inflats his ego and will upset you when he stops offering help.
