The ink isn't even dry and she pulls a 180 dave677: OK, someone tell me that isn't blind like I am what is going on. We signed the divorce thing 4 days ago. That started the 30 day waiting period, then the marriage is "officially" over. Well, she just moved out Saturday, and Sunday she is already telling me that she misses me. Today she calls to find out how I am doing, she loves me and she is sorry..... ???
She is acting like she is having major 2nd thoughts. It is reaping havoc on me, as I never wanted the divorce to start with. It was her idea. I wanted to do anything to stop it, but she had no intention of stopping it. Now, 2 days after moving out, she called me 3 times today. What is going on? Why the 180? What should I do? We have already basically did all the financial split up, paid for the divorce, etc.... now that it is nearly final, she is hot/cold.....
Is she trying to drive me to madness? My brain and heart are having a major battle right now..... :-\
Here is my original story:
http://www.ojar.com/boards/index.php?board=1;action=display;threadid=1374
Re:The ink isn't even dry and she pulls a 180 Safetykc: Dave....read my story...
My STBX did THE EXACT SAME THING...as did many of the X's of those of us here...and I am sure some of us here as well...
It is natural and a part of the seperation anxiety...
Mine pulled that a ton at first and even started the talk of reconcilliation...now after ALL she has done and who she has done...ugghh a week until the divorce...I asked her the same questin, cried out with my sould and screamed that question to her...why now..why now...when we were almost done..almost safe...almost home... :'(
Anyway...I don't have the answers...maybe it is genuine...just the feelings of second guessing things is normal...doesn't change the person however and what brought you guys to this point....If she is serious and remember...divorce doesn't stop you from re-marrying some day...suggest some SERIOUS couples counseling and individual counseling for you and her....
Hang in there and I know first hand the roller coaster you are on....
Try to look deep inside and really think is a reconcilliation what you want and if so, what would it take from both of you, how to get there while protecting yourself from further hurt in case this is jsut a psychological Push---Pulll====Push---pulll....
Good luck man....When the brain and heart fight..its tough..i hear ya and am right there beside you with the same thoughts...actually used those exact words in therapy today...that my brain knows what I have to do and why, its the heart that always brings me back to doubt....
Take care...
Safety
Re:The ink isn't even dry and she pulls a 180 picadilly: Hi Dave, I'm sorry she's putting you through so much pain. From what I've read, allot of the time, the leaver will distance themselves from the you, then the moment you resign yourself to this fate & the paper work is going through, they tend to grab back.. to claw back one more time. Like what Safety said, it's seperation anxiety. They think it's through form the start but the reality of the end soon hits them & they begin to wonder if it's the right thing. We, as the one that were left, have more time to realise it's over & we begin to adjust.
Anyway... sorry, now I'm talking out of my a$$. Never mind man, sorry. Be strong, remember that if you let her back in, she may just hurt you again a year down the road. I think you should just continue down the divorce route & if she's serious about the reconcilliation, go to a marriage counsellor. Talk things through out in the open... maybe set up "dates" to meet for drinks.
Take care of yourself.
Re:The ink isn't even dry and she pulls a 180 ChristyM: I agree with the others. My s2bx did the same thing. We had only been apart a week and he told me on a Saturday that it was for sure over and he would call an attorney on that Monday. He was at the house Sunday night crying like a baby that he wasn't sure what he was doing. Stupid me agreed to "try and work it out" but it never happened. He never really tried. I think it was his guilt talking. We did the back and forth thing for 2 months until my daughter and I finally said enough is enough. We had moved on at that point and resigned ourselves to the divorce. I still firmly believe that he might eventually realize that this isn't what he wants, but we will have already moved on. I think the finality of it starts to hit home. For us, he's become depressed knowing that I'm not really his friend any longer and that my daughter and I have been packing up getting ready to move to a really nice apartment. He will move back in here and I think it will make it even worse for him. I am steeling myself for his "waffling" at that point. Sorry to hijack your thread, just letting you know that his indecision did nothing but hold us back. Unfortunately, for some it becomes a game and as soon as you start to give in she will be right back to wanting a divorce. It will get even worse when she sees you moving on. Like Safety said, you can always stop the divorce or even get remarried. I haven't ruled that out if my s2bx gets some serious counseling and I haven't found someone better by then ;) Hope this helps!
Christy
Re:The ink isn't even dry and she pulls a 180 niceguy: Dave,
This happened to me too. I was starting to get some really strange vibes from her. She started being WAY to nice for two people getting divorced. She kept asking me to do things and I was getting very confused. She was calling me 3-4 times a day, joking with me. It was too much. We had a very long talk and because I was in a stronger place then I had been in the past I was able to ask somethings that I knew needed to be answered before I could ever consider trying anything again. Well it turns out it was all guilt and missing me for the good things that I am. Nowhere in the converstion did I detect her willingness to work on things to make them better. So for me that conversation turned out to be a good one. Painful but good.
With all that rambling I guess my only advice is I've seen this turn around so often lately it just never seems to have solid ground behind it. I hope it does in your case, but just remember you need and deserve things out of your marriage and if she isn't willing to make a real effort then just do what you want to do. Take things at your pace. If it's meant to be it will happen.
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