I am so depressed... barelybreathing: This just sucks....
He comes to my office when he gets to town. I am polite, and so curteous, so strong.
He is sitting across my desk and asks me, "How are you, are you okay, please smile for me."
I tell him, "fine. I am fine."
He gets up, walks over to my chair and lifts me up to hold me, I resist, I don't want to let go of my body. I resist. He hugs me tight. I can smell him. He smells so good, so familiar. I cry some. He says, "you are so beautiful. God you are beautiful."
Then he kisses me on the cheek and leaves.
I get home from work and he is there waiting. My daughter is all over him, like a starved child. Whiney, talking like a baby rather than her usual self. Clingy. I am just observing. Everytime he walks past me or is next to me, he either reaches for my hand or wants to hold me. He stays to bathe her and put her down. She cries, doesn't want to sleep. Why would she? But he has to go. So he brings her to my room and lays her on my bed. She pleads with him to "stay for just a little bit". He won't. She looks at me, and buries her little head in my chest. He sneaks out. He's gone. She just clings to me. I am crushed.
The next day, I get three phone calls on my cell, I don't answer them cause I don't recognize the number. I then begin to wonder, who is it? How weird. I call the number back. A girl answers, acts dumb. Flashback. Not again. No again. I call his voice mail and leave a polite message. "if this is one of your friends calling me, can you please ask then to stop, I don't need this setback."
He calls me back. He's viscous, mean. Says, "Nobody he knows would call me, they don't care about me. If you loved me, you would hurry up and divorce me. Just file already. We grew apart. We want different things in life. He wants a wife that will move to china with him and not complain about it. We had some good years but its over. Blah, blah, blah."
"Why did you hug me then? Why must you do that?"
"I am always going to want to hold you, I love you, I am just not in love with you."
"Okay. Do you mind if I am not around when you see your daughter tonight?"
"Why? Can't you just be normal? You know what, I am just going to get the next flight out of here. I am leaving."
"You don't have to do that, you can see your daughter, I just need to distance myself, please understand."
"I am leaving. I will just come another time when you can handle it."
Later that night, he calls me to tell me "goodnight. we should be spending thanksgiving together as a family."
I am so completely depressed. I feel like a really bad joke has been played on me.....am I suppose to laugh at some point?
Pray for me all, please pray for me.
BB
Re:I am so depressed... SunnyFlower: bb:
I am sorry you are feeling this way today, as I am sure we all are.... :'(
I can only imagine how you must feel, how it must be so hard for you to be strong and put on a happy face for your daughter. I have had those days because I try so hard not to let my son see me crying.....it's so hard.
I am saying a prayer for you right now, bb. Ask God to hold you tight....He is there for you. He is always there when we feel that there is nothing else to hold onto.
Just remember, you have control of today and what kind of day you want to make it.
I wish I had the magic words to lift you up....
It will get better...it WILL get better.
Re:I am so depressed... picadilly: BB, so sorry he feels he has to play these games with your emotions & using his daughter as a pawn in this it seems. Even though he's not a husband anymore he's still a father & always will be. He should shower his daughter with the love she needs now, showing up & then bailing is not healthy for her well being nor yours. This seems like it's all a sick game to him. I'm sorry your in the dumps now, I think during the holidays it's not the best time for any of us.
Chin up & be strong for your child, looks like she'll need you allot this year.
Re:I am so depressed... ChristyM: Sorry to hear he is doing that to you BB. For awhile my s2bx wanted to still be a "family" when it suited him while trying to make a long distance relationship with someone else work. It confused me to have him come over and want to touch me, hug me, and he too would just stare at me like he was drinking me in and would say I was so beautiful. I finally told him to stop. I felt I was losing my self-respect and it confused my daughter. The only thing that really makes me feel better is to just know I am strong and will find someone else that is totally deserving of my love and won't play these stupid games. I think that bothers them the most when they realize we have moved on and aren't their emotional pawn any longer. Once they lose power they can't handle it. Keep your chin up -I know it's easier said than done.
Christy
Re:I am so depressed... leem03: BB I too know your pain. Just today my stbx tells me to give him a hug. I say no & walk away. He comes & grabs me, I hug him & he says, come on, a real hug. So I do. It Feels SOOOOOO good to be hugged!! Good to be touched by him. Then I pull away........remembering the pain & hurt I feel each and every day. It really sucks! He too says you look beautiful. Why do they do that? Does it make them feel better to still compliment us? Like they're not being total jerks?
He too tells me he will always want to be with me. Hold me, make love to me, touch me. He will always love me. He just can't face the horrible things he has done to us and our family. I mean tell me, how can you feel those things and still walk away?
My healing time hasn't come yet, but I hope one day soon it will. I hope one day soon all of us will heal and realize what great people each & every one of us truly are.
Thank goodness Thanksgiving is over. Now only Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day...........UGH!!!!!!!! Do the sappy love & family holidays ever end??????????
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