social phobias al77: I have always been a social person, but lately find that I am terrified about attending social gatherings. I am worried that people are talking about me, feeling sorry for me. I am scared of being asked about my husband by those who don't know what happened. I feel very embarassed by this whole thing. I just find I am avoiding as many public events as possible out of fear. Realistically, I know that people are generally sensitive and won't ask me about the situation, but I am afraid of what they are thinking. I find this paralyzing. At a recent work event I was asked in a buffet line when my husband and I were planning on having babies. Everyone turned to stare at me, it was horrifying!! Any similar feelings out there?
A.
Re:social phobias picadilly: Yes I feel nervous about going to christmas functions. Not everyone at work knows yet & I have a few family friend's parties that I have to attend. They don't know either as I only really ever see them during this time of year. I hate this fact... but it's like, I feel embarassed that my marriage didn't work out yet all of my family friends that I grew up with, all of thier marriages are working so far. I feel like I've failed my family, you know.
I know it's silly thinking but thats how it feels. My failed marriage has let my family down. I was the first of my brothers & sister to marry, I felt I had be an example. Now I definately don't want to be that, my brother just got married, hate to think that they would follow in my foot steps. lol. stupid thinking I know but it's crossed my mind a few times this last month.
So, no, your not alone. This is something we have to deal with for atleast a year after. But I will still go, hiding from them will not help, lying will not make it look any better & it should come from me rather then some gossip from someone else.
Hold your chin high, you did nothing wrong, no matter how you feel.
Re:social phobias inebr: Al77,
YES, I can totally relate to what you're feeling. I had such intense feelings of shame and embarrassment over what happened. My stbx also left the marriage shortly after the 1 year mark. It was devestating. I think that having such a short-lived marriage adds to the feeling of failure when it doesn't work out.
I am still working through these feelings. I still feel scared and ashamed when people find out. I also fear people talking about me and judging me and pitying me. And the reality is that some people do. But for the most part, everyone knows someone who's gone through the same and can relate in a healthy and respectful way. And for those who judge or act as though you're to be pitied, ...well it's more about who they are, not you.
The best thing I have found for my psyche is to really look at it in the sense that he left. I did what I could to prevent the breakup of the marriage, but, like they say, it takes two. You didn't ask for a divorce, this wasn't part of your plan at all. Take comfort and pride in that if you can. Things happen for a reason and even though we might not feel it now, it is for the best. That sounds cliche but it's important to believe that. We learn from these experiences, grow stronger, become better people than we could have ever imagined.
As for telling people, it's really none of their business. If you have a close, kind friend at work, maybe confide in them as to what has happened. I did it at a time where I felt strong and told them what happened from the standpoint of giving information, not asking for support. That sent the message that "this is what's happening in my life, I wanted you to know, I'm ok, but I feel I need to let you know" because I didn't want to produce any sort of drama, I wanted to come off as being in control of myself and my handling of the situation. This is just how I am and what makes me feel best. Everyone is different.
I get a lot of my support and guidance from my therapist and the fine people here at ojar, the places where I feel most comfortable venting, letting my guard down and asking for help.
I just want to say that these feelings will pass as this becomes part of the background of your life, ...slowly, but will pass. Take care of yourself and remember this is not what you wanted but what happened. It's sad but you don't have control over it. It will get better, I promise.
Re:social phobias lliw: that's funny. iwas just reading message and he said "every one story sounds the same and that it is scared". hello everyone, my name is will. i also dont have a social life. since i found out that my dosen't love anymore, and did give me a reason why. i haven't been the same. and it's scary b-cuz i'm 20 and i use to party everyday. i was never home. also i was a dj. loved to b-ball. i use to have a street bike-zx-7(by the ways she made me sale it) so i all all ways out and about. and most of the time it was w/ her. so i had lots' and lots of friends . it's been months since i gone out. and i hate it cuz i know it not me. but i feel that i might get hurt again! and problems just like the people that replyed. can any one help me!!
Re:social phobias AmyMarie1972: I know how hard it is. Good thing about me is I have a big family and an aunt with an even bigger mouth who has told everybody anyway.
Hardest thing that I had to do was go into the schools and explain it to them. I burst into tears but the lady there was so great about it all.
It is difficult, one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do in my life.
Again though time will fix it, make it so that everybody knows and then everybody has stopped talking and moved on to the next latest thing to talk about.
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